I don't even know why I am still doing BEDA. I have nothing to say. I'm just too stubborn to allow myself to fail completely, even though I have basically failed to have any content in these blogs.
You know what sucks? Growing apart from people. This always happens to me. No one seems to want to stick around for very long. I mean, I have friends that I've been friends with for a long time, but distance, or no free time, or my crippling depression that made me a completely different person got in the way.
This is something I think about a lot. What is wrong with me that I am awful at maintaining friendships? I completely understand why people wouldn't want to be around Chelsea from two years ago. She was awful and depressed every second and wasn't really in control of herself. I'm not that girl anymore, though. I'm not the girl who has to convince herself everyday that there's something worth getting up for.
I say that, but at the same time, I'm completely terrified that I am that girl, still. I've been lonely a lot lately and that scares me really badly. I can't fall back into who I used to be. I wasn't even myself then.
I remember someone once telling me that whenever she thought of me, she thought of a smile. That's the Chelsea I want to be again. But the world broke her. She was glued back together again, but the pieces never quite fit the same.
Listening to : Coldplay: X & Y
This is something I think about a lot. What is wrong with me that I am awful at maintaining friendships? I completely understand why people wouldn't want to be around Chelsea from two years ago. She was awful and depressed every second and wasn't really in control of herself. I'm not that girl anymore, though. I'm not the girl who has to convince herself everyday that there's something worth getting up for.
I say that, but at the same time, I'm completely terrified that I am that girl, still. I've been lonely a lot lately and that scares me really badly. I can't fall back into who I used to be. I wasn't even myself then.
I remember someone once telling me that whenever she thought of me, she thought of a smile. That's the Chelsea I want to be again. But the world broke her. She was glued back together again, but the pieces never quite fit the same.
Listening to : Coldplay: X & Y
I'm sorry you feel that way, Chelsea :/ I know we don't know each other super well, but for what it's worth, I think you're definitely awesome and worth keeping around, and when a friendship gets weaker, it's usually a problem on both sides, and you shouldn't be so hard on yourself.
ReplyDeleteChin up, Miss Clark! :D
- Jordan
Hey it seems as if you've stopped talking to me. I didn't want that to happen.
ReplyDeleteCatching up on your blog. I've definitely been in that spot of loneliness...and even knew that it was, for the most part, self-inflicted. And it comes around again and again. Our friends and our lives are always changing on their own schedules. It sucks to not be able to control this. I just want to remind you that God cares and He wants you to ask for His direction and support (and to ask others to pray with you). It is so amazing to me when I notice God's answer to prayer. I can remember two specific times of loneliness (nearly 10 years apart) where God's response was quick and beautiful. Once he brought new friendships into my life and once he changed my attitude. What's great is HE ALWAYS listens and ALWAYS knows best! We don't have to fix it.
ReplyDeleteBTW, I'm glad we got to share dinner tonight!
Thanks for the encouragement, Liz! I, too, am glad we got to share dinner.
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