Nutrition Is Important or Something

I've always had problems with being tired too much, which is partially because I have a crazy sleep schedule and sometimes caused by stress and things, but it's been really bad lately. After about ten hours of sleep last night and finally forcing myself out of bed after noon and still being exhausted, I realised I may have a nutrient deficiency. 

At the suggestion of several people, I downloaded My Fitness Pal, which is an app you can get for Android or iPhone. It tells you what your goals should be for certain nutrients (though I wish it was a little more extensive in the vitamins it includes) and you can customise everything if their goals for your height and weight seem off. It has a huge log of foods for you to search to create your log, and you can scan any barcode to enter its nutrition information. I've actually had a lot of fun scanning things and creating my logs. After logging today's and yesterday's foods, it's pretty easy to see that I'm not getting enough potassium. I know I can judge solely off a couple of days, but I ate more foods with potassium than usual today and I still only got about a third of what I should. But it's a really cool app because I can see what I need to eat more (or less) of throughout the day as I log things. It's definitely something I would recommend to those who feel they may not be getting enough essential nutrients. 

However, I can see this being a really, really dangerous app for anyone who struggles with weight and body image. I added like 500 calories to what the app suggested for me because it is so low. If you have any sort of guilt associated with food or you restrict yourself from eating, please do not use an app like this. I'm not sure this is even healthy if your goal is to lose weight. After completing yesterday's food log, the app told me I would gain 9 pounds in 5 weeks if I ate like that every day. This doesn't account for genetics and activity and so many possible variable. Plus, unless you're weighing and measuring every single thing you eat, there's a whole lot of estimation involved. Please don't take this app too seriously; use it to get healthy.

Listening to: All You Can Do by Watsky

Questions from Jordan

The following questions are from Jordan:

Favorite kind of cheese?

Well I just ate some brie. I do love brie a whole lot. But I love all cheese a lot, except Swiss, pepper jack, and bleu. Pesto jack is pretty amazing. Boursin is pretty amazing. Cheddar grilled between two pieces of sourdough with a little bit of garlic powder is near perfection. I just want to eat all the cheese. Thanks, Jor Jor.

Who is your favorite Scott Pilgrim character and why?

I think maybe Kim. I love how snarky and blunt she is, but she's also the most grounded person in the series. I also adore Wallace.

What people/books/other have most influenced your basic ideology?

This is really difficult because I feel like a lot of that just sort of forms subconsciously. The most obvious answers are my parents, people from church, and the Bible. Every person who comes through our lives influences us in a lot of way, many which we don't always realise. Harry Potter has been part of my life for so long and I was thinking it hasn't affected my ideals too much, but it totally has. I have very passionate feelings about people not spoiling their children, and I think a lot of that may have come from Dudley. I think Harry also taught me a lot about how love is important in its many forms, not merely the romantic form the world is so obsessed with. Hank and John Green certainly changed a lot of my views about myself and John particularly taught me the importance of imagining people complexly through Paper Towns and his other woks and videos. I feel like to answer this well I would need a few days but I suppose these are the most influential if they're what I can think of. 

Listening to: Les Miserables soundtrack

Facing Our Fears

Similar and related to my feelings about depression, I'm of the opinion that our fears have more power over us when we can't talk about them. How are we ever supposed to tackle our fears if we can't even acknowledge them? My friend Katherine brought this up in a video she made yesterday, and so I'm inspired to name my fears. Publicly. All of them. Or at least all the ones I can think of. Trivial. Dumb. Pathetic. Crazy. Legitimate. 

I'm afraid of/that:

• Spiders
• Stagnation. I don't want to be working retail and living in my parents house for the rest of my life.
• Regression. That notion that people can't really change and stick to that change scares me. Who I used to be scares me.
• Not being able to see the world. There's such a big list of places that I want to go, things I want to see, foods I want to devour, drinks I want to taste, but I'm already 25 and have only left the country to go to Mexico. 
• Being consumed by depression and darkness.
• Being consumed by sin.
• No one likes me as much as I like them.
• No one will ever love me as much as I love them.
• Never being able to have a healthy relationship. After what I went through with Jeff, I'm not sure I'll ever want to let anyone in.
• I might still trust too easily
• Guys will think it's weird that the only boyfriend I've had was not really a relationship because we never actually saw each other while we were "dating" so I've never actually been on a date where someone was actually willing to admit it was a date
• If anyone does give me a chance, they will bail once they see my flaws, physical and otherwise
• I may have no useful talents.
• Having children.
• Not having children.
• Labor.
• Breast feeding.
• Dragging people down.
• Never getting out of debt.
• Sleep paralysis.
• To let people see my failures.
• Not learning from my failures.
• I might be actually crazy.
• Not having enough time with the people I love.
• Working on a novel and showing it to the world only to find that it's terrible.
• The wrong people finding my Twitter/blog.
• To share my dark thoughts with my family and pretty much those I would see as adults rather than peers.
• To let people see how weird I am.
• I'm not as brave as some people think.
• I'm not as strong as some people think.
• All my teeth will fall out in my sleep.
• Sleep paralysis.
• I might be as shallow as this world in which I live.
• I'm an irritable jerk who should not be around people, particularly those who live in my house.
• Not being able to read all the books I would like to read.
• I will never get any money for the Beanie Babies sitting in a large bag in my room.
• Rats
• Potato bugs
• Cockroaches
• Sharks or anything else that could attack me while I'm swimming in the ocean like jelly fish
• I'm not smart enough.
• I'm not pretty enough.
• I'm not good enough.
• I'm not a useful human.
• I might not be coping as well as I tell myself.
• Nothing I do makes any difference.
• No one cares what I have to say.
• That sexism, racism, and other prejudices will never die.

And now I will face them head on. Except the spiders. Will you face yours?

Listening to: Over

Tea: Tazo Organic Apple Red (Thanks to Chelsea)

Self-Esteem

Cripplingly low self-esteem defined me for many, many years. I would say it probably started in high school, and I'm just now starting to get over it, so we're looking at a decade of just hating pretty much everything about myself.

Today I was baking something to take to my best friend's birthday party, and it didn't really turn out the way I wanted to. A year ago, I wouldn't have taken it. I would have thrown it away or made my family eat it. I was so afraid of imperfection and wrapped up in the idea that the things I do and make reflect how much I'm worth, I was unable to be a person. It was such a good feeling, taking this thing I wasn't super proud of to share with other people. I was still self-conscious about it, but it wasn't over-powering. And you know what? Ashleigh told me it tasted like the dessert we had in the Germany pavilion of EPCOT and it was such a happy moment. 

It's so good to feel your growth, to recognise things in yourself that are better than they once were, to know that your fears have less power over you than they once did. I felt similarly at VidCon this year, too. It's easier to talk to other people when you're not so worried about projecting a perfect image to the world. Perfection is impossible and those around us are not nearly as critical of us as we are of ourselves, physically or otherwise. I'll always be awkward and a little uncomfortable in social settings, but my social anxiety is starting to fade. I know that I'm a valuable person with something to contribute to the world and to the people around me and that makes it so much easier to function. 

In a strange way, I think being in a relationship where I was constantly fighting to be heard and valued and respected made me realise I was worth those things. Screaming to be treated like a person made me realise that I actually am a decent person. Plus, it was just me and God out there in Florida. My ex-roommate is a great person, but she was hardly ever home, and when she was, I'm not sure she knew how to deal with my introversion and depression. God showed me that I was created in love, in his image, that I am tremendously valuable to him. 

Self-esteem is a tricky beast. If you don't find it, it will effect every single relationship you have, and it is very likely that eventually someone will take advantage of you, make you feel special, then tear you to pieces. I suppose my advice to those who have low self-esteem would involve reiterating that perfection is a faulty concept; you cannot achieve it. You're more than your accomplishments and talents. Your value definitely doesn't lie in your appearance. Everyone gets lost in life and you don't have to know where you're going. Stop trying to figure out how other people are seeing you at every moment and just focus on what they are contributing to your interactions instead of how you're presenting yourself; you're judging yourself more harshly than they are. Do your best to stay away from situations and people you know to trigger feelings of extreme self doubt. Sometimes it helps to have a song to listen to when you feel useless or when you hate the way you look. Talk about it with someone who won't make you feel guilty for your feelings. It's okay not to be okay. You don't just snap your fingers and magically gain self-esteem. It is a long process; rejoice in the little victories.

Listening to: All You Can Do by Watsky

Tea: Berry Tea Cocktail

Laughter and Sadness

I thought that the news about Robin Williams was a joke. I wish it had been a joke. I was with friends when I heard, and now, hours later, I'm only just now starting to process this. I'm going to attempt to make my discombobulated thoughts somewhat cohesive. 

I think we have a tendency to look at people we know to be particularly funny as happy all the time and forget that they can be much deeper and also can be carrying heavy burdens. Laughter can be medicine for those who give it as well, I think. To be immensely sad but make someone else feel a little piece of joy that turns to laughter, well that's a beautiful thing. Few things in life are greater than watching others smile. To be able to give that is such a gift for the giver, and laughter truly is contagious. Some of the funniest people I know are also some of the most thoughtful and kind. I pretty recently had a meaningful conversation with a friend of mine whom I generally consider a jokester (I have spent very little actual time with him), and was kind of surprised by our conversation. It's so easy to forget how complex people are. No one is one dimensional. And Robin showed us that. He had some pretty fantastic, genuine, and multi-faceted roles. This is a time to remember that it is important to think about everyone you come across as a deeply intricate human.  

I cannot speak to what it feels like to be bipolar, though one of my good friends was recently diagnosed with Bipolar II so I've been learning a little bit more about it. I do, however, know what it is to deal with depression. In case anyone is new around here and wants to hear my story (or at least what I've told of it so far), I'll leave that here. A huge, huge number of people suffer from depression and it's devastating, but I'm very much of the mindset that it needs to be talked about, that stories need to be shared. I want so desperately to believe it can be beaten in myself and in everyone else, but the truth is, sometimes the chemicals that lie to your brain about who you are and why you're here or why you shouldn't be are just too strong. This is mental illness. People who take their own lives are often called selfish, and that simply is not the case. You wouldn't call someone who dies of a physical illness selfish, and it should not be applied to mental illness either. My mom often says, "It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem." I suppose there are some people who commit suicide due to mere problems with their lives, but it's so much more than that for people who have clinical depression, which is not a temporary problem. You can feel better, but you're never really better. I can't pretend to completely understand, as I've been close to taking my life, but have never actually attempted it. I think we can all try to have empathy, though, and work on erasing our stigmas about mental illness. 

If you ever, ever, ever need someone to talk to, I'm here. If you don't know me or you barely know me, that is okay. I can't guarantee I will respond perfectly, but I can empathize and listen. If you don't have any other way of contacting me, my email is chelseariffic@gmail.com

Robin Williams, thank you for all you've done through the many talents you were given, including a big heart.

Listening to: Aladdin soundtrack

Fun Is Cheap

Katie wants me to write about things you can do when you don't have a lot of money. So here's a list of ways to have a good time that are free or cheap:

• Go on a hike
• Go to a beach, lake, river, creek, or whatever you can reasonably get to. If you can't get to one, move out of Arizona (but bring me some Chino Bandito first). Or I guess you can go to a pool but that's less pretty and my point was nature.
• Have a fight with pool noodles on land
• Play Four Square
• Play Settlers of Catan and drink as many pots of tea as you can. I guess you can change that to any board game, but don't change the "tea" into "wine" unless you change Catan to Cards Against Humanity or The Game of Things.
• Have a potluck. Have people bring dishes from around the world. Do not try to recreate EPCOT. That is not cheap. Limit yourself to one dish because that is fairly cheap.
• Have a wine tasting night where everyone brings one bottle of wine they already have in their house. If you don't have wine, go to CVS and get Grape & Vine for $2.50.
• Have a Disney movie day. Watch as many Disney movies as you can get through. Have everyone bring one small snack so it doesn't cost anyone a lot to sustain you as you sit there for hours. Fine, you can change that to just a regular movie day, but singing and dancing fish are the most fun.
• Go tour something where you get free samples, IE Lagunitas Brewery or The Cheese Factory if you're in Petaluma. I guess you don't really tour The Cheese Factory, you just awkwardly eat cheese as the employees judge you for not purchasing anything.
• Clean out your books, DVDs, and/or clothes, and get together with friends to swap them
• Use Trip Adviser to find things to see in your own town that you may not have known existed
• Have a themed photoshoot
• Research the museums in your area. A lot of them are free on a certain day of every month.
• Move to Stars Hollow so you can constantly attend town events. Or pretend you live in Stars Hollow and have your own knitathon, danceathon, historical reenactments, etc
• Make a blanket fort
• If you have Goldstar in your area, check out the $10 and under section. They have tickets to comedy shows and live theatre and sports and activities of all sorts. They even sometimes have comp tickets. 
• Play frisbee golf
• Gather any craft supplies you may have in your house. Gather your friends who have also gathered craft supplies. Go to town.
• Reenact your favourite parts of Lord of the Rings
• Have a scavenger hunt
• Spend all your time on the internet and don't ever leave your house or talk to anyone and maybe write blogs every day for awhile

Listening to: Contra by Vampire Weekend

Tea: Teavanna's Peach Tranquility

Steve Rogers: Hufflepuff

I just watched Captain America and it reminded me of an article I came across the other day on Facebook about Harry Potter where Cap was used as their example of a Hufflepuff. As a Hufflepuff and a lover of Captain America, I was elated by this example. So often we're represented as the left-overs, the ones who aren't brave or witty or ambitious, but Cap is such a great example of what a Hufflepuff is. 

Steve Rogers doesn't want to kill people, but he desperately wants to go to war because he "doesn't like bullies." He wants justice for those who are oppressed. He doesn't want to fight for glory or fame or for any reasons that have to do with himself: he wants to defeat inhumanity. He knows what it's like to be bullied and to be treated like less than a complex, extraordinary human, and he doesn't want to sit back and watch that happen to others. 

I know bravery is seen as an inherently Gryffindor quality, but I would argue that Hufflepuffs are just as brave, but like Jo said, they're less showy about it. Steven Rogers threw himself on what he thought was a live grenade in order to save other people. He didn't do it because he wanted to be a hero, he did it because he didn't have a thought for himself and wanted to protect the people around him. It was a completely selfless act that very few people would perform, and I don't think anyone could argue about how much courage that would take. Hufflepuffs aren't always brave for themselves, but they can be hugely brave for other people.

My friend said to me that I love fiercely and that is my superpower. I would have to say that is what Hufflepuff is about. I think we're all fierce lovers of humanity. And that love is brave. I asked people on Twitter to describe me awhile ago because I was thinking about a future blog post about houses and such, and the only person who described me said I was loyal, brave, and honest. While I have been sorted into Gryffindor before, but now I think those are completely Hufflepuff adjectives, including the bravery as I have been discussing. Where bravery in Gryffindors is often routed in ego, for Hufflepuffs, bravery is doing what you know to be right even when you fully expect to fail. Honesty is routed in that sense of justice Hufflepuffs have, and I would also argue that it takes a lot of courage to be honest, to not pander to what others would want to hear but to speak the truth in love because it is right.

Loyalty is probably the trait that Hufflepuffs are best known for. It comes from that fierce love. We like to do the things we say we're going to do and stick by people through everything. We're excellent friends and allies because of this. But this can also be our downfall. We have a tendency to take lies and injustice very personally when they have little to do with us, and it's really hard to have a strong sense of loyalty and also be able to cut toxic people out of our lives. And so I would take this time to let Hufflepuffs know that not everyone deserves your loyalty, no matter how freely you may wish to give it. Sometimes there are people we need to let go because they're not good for us, or we're not good for them. And that's okay. People come in and out of our lives. All we can do is try to do right by them while they're with us. But also be mindful that every "betrayal" is not necessarily an attack on you. People make mistakes. Figuring out who is worth your loyalty and who isn't is something you have to consciously work at.

Hella Callifornia

I had the most Californian day with Ashley. We walked along a river in the redwoods at Henry Cowell State Park, then we ate burritos, then we went to the beach and played in some tide pools. Can you have a more Californian day than that? It it even possible? Not without smoking weed, which we don't do, so no.

We later met up with Evan in one of the most yuppie places I've ever seen, Aptos, CA. We headed over to a restaurant in Capitola, where Ashleigh ordered mashed potatoes and bacon and we became our waiter's worst nightmare. I'm pretty sure I asked him to marry me. We then drove around for like two hours and got pretty lost. Ashley peed on the side of the road. Much fun was had. It was an interesting day. Not that interesting in blog form.

It's late. This is a pathetic excuse for a blog but I have to be at work in less than 8 hours.



Listening to: Lights Out by Ingrid Michaelson

I Am Lord of the Rings

I'm trying to get through this post so I can watch Harry Potter and write my next post, so we're just going to talk about something a little silly. What an inciting way to start!

So I was scrolling through Facebook and came across a "What Classic Novel Describes Your Life?" quiz. I took it and I like my result, so I thought I'd share:

An underdog in every sense of the word, Tolkien's LORD OF THE RINGS does a masterful job of playing out your struggles. Though you may not be the most intimidating of individuals, you are not weak - far from it. People are constantly trying to put you down in life, and you always manage to prove them wrong; Sometimes even finding yourself on top. Life has taken you some very strange places, and you've developed a taste for the fantastic in the process. You're determined, driven, and have a penchant for the surreal!

This is actually kind of an accurate description of me. I don't necessarily consider myself an underdog, but I am a Hufflepuff, so there's that. I'm don't think I'm intimidating (though there are a few people at different points in my life who would have disagreed) and I'm not as weak as I appear. I've had my share of people trying to put my down, and proving them wrong is my favourite. Oooh I have a story about that. Hopefully I haven't told it on here before. I'm starting to forget what I have and have not blogged about.

When I was a freshman in high school, I decided I wanted to try out for the tennis team. There weren't really formal tryouts, it was kind of just practicing with the team. One day, I showed up and the coach stopped me and told me he had thought about it and didn't think I was ready to be on the team. He told me some story about how Michael Jordan was cut from some team a long time ago, and so I should practice more and come back next year. So I cried for quite some time, but I was determined to get better. I was the only person he cut. He didn't need to cut me; he didn't have the max number of people. He could have just not even used me. But he did keep a girl who was late every day and didn't always show up. I expect it's because he knew her father. The next year I made the team. I kicked ass in doubles. Everyone was promised to play in two matches so they could get their varsity letters. The girl whose father he knew played her two matches. I played in ten of the twelve with a winning record. At the end of the year, I received the "Most Improved" award (there were only three awards, it wasn't a thing where everyone was recognized) and a glorious speech from my douche coach about how far I'd come, and I could tell he knew he'd done the wrong thing the previous year. Don't tempt me to prove you wrong, kids.

Let's continue with high school tennis stories. Spring of sophomore year, we had a tennis unit in PE. Up until that point, my friend group and I had basically done terribly at every sport and activity. I'm not athletic. I'm just tennis. So this unit rolls around and it's finally something that I like and know how to do. Well, the jocks were unprepared for this. We had a class challenge. It got down to the finals, the game before the championship, and I was facing this football player. I think he played basketball, too. He pretty much thought he was going to eat me alive. It was quite the opposite. He got super frustrated that he wasn't scoring on me at all. After I won the final point of the set, he threw his racket on the ground in rage. Beaten by a girl. That's embarrassing. Dude joined the tennis team the next year. He still brought up his defeat two years later when we sat next to each other in English.

So those stories illustrate most of that Lord of the Rings description. Life has definitely taken me some strange places, like the fact that I moved across the country twice in one year. I'd say I have a taste for the fantastic and surreal; I'm a major dreamer. I'm not sure about driven, but I'm insanely determined, hence me writing a blog about a Buzzfeed quiz so I have something to talk about in order to blog every day this month. 

Listening to: Room on Fire by The Strokes

Tea: Bigelow Green tea with Lemon

Compulsion for Change

Lately I've been feeling this overwhelming need for change. It's intense and consuming and kind of indescribable, but I'm going to attempt to describe it anyway.

The other day, I was wearing a shirt I bought in 2008 or 2009 and I suddenly felt trapped in it. It was like wearing the shirt that I used to wear a lot, including several times where lots of pictures of me were taken, was eating at my soul, threatening me with the person I used to be. It was like this article of clothing was wrapping me in old habits and old friendships and old feelings. I've never really experienced anything quite like that. I came home and I got rid of some clothes I had been previously too attached to to get rid of. The nostalgia of the clothing that had once made me wish to keep it, was now the thing that I was repulsed by.

I've always loved new things. Maybe this stems from living in a materialistic, consumerist society, but I don't consider myself a material girl. I supposed I like material possessions more than I should, but I've never been one to need fancy things. I've just always liked the idea of something clean and untouched and full of possibilities. I talked about this on here when the New Year came. Every time I have something new, I want to try it out right away. I got new eyeshadow yesterday and was putting it on before bed because I wanted to test it. New thingss have this potential to make us feel new feelings. I don't know if that makes any sense.

This feeling I've had lately is a little different than my usual love of new things, though. I keep getting the compulsion to shave my head, dye my hair, get a tattoo, pierce things, throw out most of  the clothes I own, just do anything to LOOK different so that I FEEL different. I know it's crazy, I do, but I can't escape these feelings. I've had a lot of identity crises, but never have they been so physical. It's making me feel quite shallow, to be honest. I sometimes catch myself thinking that maybe if I were prettier I would be happier, which is frustrating because I've spent much of my life hating the way I look and I was finally feeling okay about it. 

I don't really have a point here, I just wanted to talk about these feelings. Maybe you've experienced something similar and would like to share it with me.

Listening to: Chutes Too Narrow by The Shins

Question Tuesday

From Moose: What is the best cupcake?

For anyone who may not know, my best friend works at a cupcakery called Sift. They make amazing cupcakes. They're all pretty fantastic. My favourite is probably the custom one I invented at about 2 AM when she came to Jacksonville. I lovingly named it Razzcheese. It is a raspberry cupcake with raspberry jam filling, cream cheese frosting, a dollop of chocolate ganache on top, and (on a good day) sparkles. I actually just finished eating one and I would not be surprised if I can now breathe sparkles and happiness.

From Will: Why are you are Giants fan when your dad is an A's fan?

I didn't really watch much professional baseball until I was in sixth or seventh grade. My sister had gotten really into it and suddenly Giants games were on all the time in the house. I don't think even my dad kept up with baseball on the daily at that point because I can't even remember A's games being on much before that time period. This was also 2001ish when Barry Bonds was in the process of doing exciting things with home run records. The three children in the family are all Giants fans, but my dad grew up in the east bay so he is an A's (and stupidly also a Yankees) fan, and my mom grew up in southern California as a Dodgers fan, so she became an A's fan for rivalry reasons but still wanting to support a more local team (though she weirdly gets more into Giants games than my dad). There will be much unrest in my household if a Bay Bridge series happens.

From Jordan: Who is your favorite Lord of the Rings character and why?

This is a really hard question, though I guess when it comes down to it, it would have to be Sam. Sam is such a loyal, caring, unfaltering friend. Tolkien himself considers Sam to be the hero of the story, and I wholeheartedly agree that Frodo could not have made it without his Sam. He is probably the most relateable character for me besides maybe Eowyn, and is the person I would most want to have in my life. His relationship with Frodo is probably my very favourite fictional example of how great friend love is (though Lord of the Rings in general shows a lot of really fantastic friendships which is one of the reasons I love it so stinking much). That being said, I have an undying love for Legolas. Those smooth moves, man. And his dynamic with Gimli is just beautiful. I also love Aragorn, Eowyn, Faramir, Merry, Pippin, and Gandalf. Okay, there are a lot of great characters in LotR. Not Denethor. I don't like Denethor.

From Hannah: How did you get into the fandoms you are currently into (Doctor Who, Harry Potter, etc)? Any special stories?

I don't really have any particularly good stories. I started watching Doctor Who because Charlie talked about it and had a timelord band and I was curious about the thing that he loved so much that it inspired him to make music. And actually, some of my friends started watching it at the same time as I did. Harry Potter was kind of slow for me. I wasn't super interested when my mom handed me the first book. I read it and enjoyed it and then read the second and then forgot about it for awhile until I think Goblet of Fire (the book) came out. I don't think I was like SUPER into it until around the time Goblet of Fire came out in theatres. So many of my friends enjoyed the books and movies, and the bookss were such an escape from me. I didn't really read for fun in high school except for Harry Potter. It sort of saved me from a lot of depression through the years. And then around 2010 I finally discovered wizard rock through watching the 5 Awesome Girls and other YouTubers and that was when I really discovered the fandom itself and gained an even deeper appreciation for it. Lord of the Rings is somewhat special, I guess. I didn't really like fantasy outside of, like, Harry Potter and Narnia, and I always considered them sort of guy films. I hate that I ever thought that. One day in December 2003, I was out shopping with my sister when I was accused of stealing. I came home in tears, so upset that I had been called a thief. I told my dad what happened and he called the lady who accused me and had a very intense chat with her. That is the only time in my life I remember my dad getting protective of me. He had been watching Fellowship of the Ring. He wasn't very far in, just past explaining the history of the Ring of Power, but in his true fashion, he took ten minutes explaining it to me instead of going back to the beginning. That was the first time I watched it and I was completely surprised and unwilling to admit how much I loved it. I re-watched them again in the spring when I got my wisdom teeth out and that was the first time I really craved watching the movies. Is it weird to crave movies? I mostly crave those. And Tarzan when the soundtrack comes on. I didn't think I had anything to say about this and then this suddenly become super long. Whoops.

From Katherine: Please tell me your dream job!

I think my absolutely made up dream job that can never happen is to just travel the world and get sponsored and paid to write about it. Traveling and writing are my favourite things to do, so if I could find a career where I could combine those, I would be so, so happy. So I guess writer in general is a dream job. A thing I actually do hope to do someday is open a book shop and tea store which would turn into a bar at night. I want to do this with my friends and they actually like the idea so hopefully one day we will have the means to start our own business. If nothing else, I could self-publish some novels and distribute them in my own book store. It's just hard since independent bookstores aren't exactly a booming industry these days.

From Duncan: What is your favourite stuffed animal?

I feel like this question shouldn't be as easy for a 25-year-old to answer as it is for me, and there is definitely backstory. After Borders closed, a group of nerdfighters opened a bookstore called Inklings in Santa Cruz. I actually met the Hannah and Moose of previous questions at that bookstore. I took Ashleigh there for her birthday in 2012. They closed in the spring of last year. I went with some of my friends, including Ashleigh, a few days before they closed. Ashleigh and I both bought Squishable red pandas. We knew I'd be moving, so we decided to hug them when we were apart and missed each other. Mine's name is Daryl and hers is Bilius. Hers has the much better and more significant name since Ronald Bilus Weasley is the best redhead ever and Harry Potter has so much to do with our friendship. But, you know, Daryl Dixon kicks ass.

Thank you to everyone who asked questions! <3

Listening to: Vessel by Twenty One Pilots

The Fallacy of the "Nice Guy"

We've all heard the saying, "Nice guys finish last." I've heard my male friends say things like, "Girls only date assholes, they don't like nice guys." This is stupid. We're going to talk about this. I'm addressing this directly to you men out there.

First of all, there's no such thing as a "Nice Guy". That's right. I said it. But there's also no such thing as a "Nice Girl." What do those labels even mean? I've never met someone who is nice a hundred percent of the time. People are far too complex to give them one adjective that is supposed to describe them all the time, unless it's, like, "tall", but even that can change once you get old. Sirius Black said it best when he said, "We've all go both light and dark inside of us."

Just because you are nice to people does not mean you automatically deserve their romantic affection. While it's not the most important thing, there usually has to be some sense of physical attraction, some chemistry. Common interests can also be a factor. You spend a lot of time with the person you're dating: it generally has to be based on a little bit more than someone being nice. Think about it. Do you like that girl because she is nice? There's probably more to it. Maybe she makes you laugh more than anyone, or she is super passionate about something and now you see it differently than you did before, or she's just the person you like talking to most. Her feelings are just as complex as yours. Maybe she thinks you make too many penis jokes and talk about women as if they are objects. You probably don't want to date all girls who are nice to you, and not all girls your are nice to are going to want to date you. You have preferences. We have preferences. And that's okay. There are a lot of people in the world.

I don't think anyone wants to date an "asshole". Again, no one is an asshole all of the time. Those guys you see as assholes could be really sweet, maybe even sweeter than guys who would call themselves "nice". I don't think anyone dates someone they think will treat them poorly. Love really is blind; people see what they want to see and sometimes that means we see only good where there is mostly bad. We live in a culture where women are treated primarily as objects rather than people, and a lot of times we can't see that attitude in people because we don't want to. A lot of seemingly nice guys are lying, charming, manipulative assholes in disguise. It's really hard to distinguish them. They're really great at making us feel special and loved and then tearing us down, and people on the outside of those relationships often only see the latter half. You have to think about those you would call "assholes" complexly too. 

I read a quote on Tumblr recently that said something along the lines of "Don't do nice things for her, do nice things with her." I really like that and think it is applicable to this mentality. I would rather sit down and eat a meal with a guy than have him hand me a burrito and walk away. While both are nice gestures, one says, "I want to spend time with you and enjoy something with you," while the other says, "Look at this nice thing I did for you." The act of spending time with someone and connecting with them is so much more meaningful than a simple nice gesture. Don't get me wrong, it's great to be nice, but there should be no expectation of reciprocation in any way. 

The bottom line is that I don't know a single girl who would turn down a guy based on the fact that he is nice. You're complex, she's complex, relationships are complex. Continue to be your kind, unique self and  the right someone will likely respond to that.

Listening to: Is by Hey Ocean!

These Are a Few of My Favourite Things

Last night I stayed out 'til 3:30 AM playing board games and card games. I had to get up early for church and then I went to work. I unintentionally napped for a couple of hours and it is now 11:30 PM and I'm trying to wake up from Nap Grog. Nap Grog is terrible. This is why I don't nap. So now, once again, I find myself with little time, and little mental capacity. It's going to be a long month. 

Here's a list of some of my favourite things in the world brought to you by Nap Grog:

• Settlers of Catan
• Apples to Apples
• The Game of Things (which I just played for the first time last night)
• The Lord of the Rings movie trilogy
• 10 Things I Hate About You
• Pride and Prejudice (In many different forms)
• Bacon
• Steak
• Cupcakes
• In-N-Out
• Raspberries and raspberry flavoured things
• Anything with pumpkin 
• autumn
• Disneyland
• EPCOT
• Chili Cone Queso
• Disneyland corn dogs
• Carthay Circle Restaurant
• The Walt Disney Family Museum
• Nutella Milkshakes
• Doctor Who
• Parks and Recreation
• The Office
• Gilmore Girls
• Firefly
• Everwood
• Boy Meets World
• tea
• redwoods
• the smell of rain on asphalt
• the feeling of freshly shaved legs
• good hair days
• maxi dresses
• blue
• the ocean
• dolphins
• sea otters
• Summer Red wine
• sangrias
• margaritas
• Long Island Iced Teas
• blondies from Applebees
• cheesecake
• swirl soft serve
• Dole Whip floats
• nostalgia
• Harry Potter
• live music
• The Civil Wars
• Of Monsters & Men
• Vampire Weekend
• Relient K
• The Postal Service
• Mumford & Sons
• Watsky
• Sara Bareilles 
• Ingrid Michaelson
• getting mail
• comments on my blog posts
• The Avengers
• Seeing movies at midnight (or whenever they premier) 
• Captain America
• The Little Mermaid
• Aladdin
• The Lion King
• Beauty and the Beast
• Tangled
• Frozen
• Mulan
• Hercules
• (500) Days of Summer
• Hairspray
• Moulin Rouge
• live theatre
• my blue plastic mason jar tumblr
• Sephora Ariel eyeshadow palette
• peanut butter brownies
• mint chocolate chip ice cream
• pesto burgers
• the internet
• smart phones
• Elf
• Christmas
• ice skating
• hiking
• singing at the top of my lungs
• AT&T Park watching The Giants
• The Wedding Singer
• Holes
• Sleepless in Seattle
• combat boots
• avocado/guacamole
• Chipotle
• basically all Mexican food
• candied pecans
• tigers 
• all other wild cats
• giraffes
• red pandas
• elephants
• polar bears

Listening to: Fortune by Black Prairie

Follow for Follow

It's day two of Blaugust and I'm already unsure of how I'm going to complete this thing every day. Mostly, I have no life, but for some reason everyone decided to be born in August. Friends, you're not allowed to have babies in August. I forbid it. 

I just got off work and I looked at my phone, and I had an Instagram notification. I clicked it, and it was a person I don't know, mentioning multiple people in a comment on a picture from 12 weeks ago that said, "follow4follow?! Or like4like". Really? Is this 2009 YouTube? When did this become a thing on Instagram? Why is this a thing? Why would I follow you? It wasn't even my picture. The person didn't even reply with anything relevant to the comment I made, let alone follow me. I'm used to this from other websites, but this is the first time I've seen this on Instagram. I think. Sometimes I forget things. And while it is the shallowest of social medias, this is a phenomenon that really gets to me.

I remember my friend Kym making a video on the whole follow back thing a few years ago. She parodied "Holla Back Girl" and sang "I ain't no follow back girl!" This mantra has stuck with me. Begging for followers like this is not my jam and I can't help but find it a bit pathetic. Sometimes I ask people on one social network to follow me on another, but the thing is, those people already follow me in one place, are likely my friends, and maybe possibly interested in my life in some capacity. Plus, I don't ever directly ask individuals. Bribing random strangers is dumb and actually offends me a little. I have some sort of connection to everyone I follow online. Those people are all friends, friends of friends, people I have common interests with, or I'm interested in the things they make or do. If someone engages in conversation with me on Twitter or something, I will follow them back almost all of the time, because that's the point. Communication with people. They are people. They are not numbers. And I'm not a number either; I won't just be another person in your list of hundreds or thousands of people who look at your face online. It's like a part of this generation defines how much they're worth by how many people like their selfies. That actually means nothing at all, especially on a site like Instagram where liking is so passive. We've been given this awesome thing called the internet that allows us to communicate with people from all over. Yeah, it's fun to share silly photos of our faces or what we ate for dinner, but in the end, it's a complete waste of time to be on the internet and never make personal connections with anyone. 

Listening to: Strange Desire by Bleachers

Blaugust and Florida

Welcome to Blaugust! I'll be blogging every day this month. I'm going to try not to overwhelm everyone (and myself) by talking about depression and manipulation for an entire month. Posts like my last two will occur, but I'm trying to think of lighter subjects, too. I'm re-reading Harry Potter right now (and you totally should do that with us if you're not because it's the best), so there will definitely be a post about Snape and probably some other Hogwartsy type things. Also, Happy Doctor Who Month! There will definitely be some of that talk around here. And while I write for myself, I obviously write hoping that people will read and respond in some way. If you're taking the time to read my words on the internet, I would love to talk to you about things you want to hear about, silly or serious or anywhere in between, so your suggestions for topics are encouraged and very much appreciated. I did BEDA back in 2012, but basically only completed it by writing a lot of really crappy posts just for the sake of posts. I'm going to try my very hardest not to do that this time. However, I did Question Tuesdays in 2012 and that was a nice break from having to come up with topics and makes me feel like John Green, so I'm going to be doing that again this year. I'll be asking for questions on Twitter, but you can also leave them in comments of any of my posts for the month since Blogger doesn't have a great system to reply to comments anyway. That does require people to humour me, but hopefully some of you wonderful people will do that. Should I tell you what I'm listening to again this year? Is that remotely interesting? I think I'll at least post it on this one because music is great.

I've been back in California for almost four months now, and a question I've frequently been asked is, "Did you like Florida?" Obviously, I didn't think Florida was that great if I lived there for only eight months before moving back home. I'm just going to list the things I liked about living in Jacksonville:

• Lightning. I know that sounds weird, but it's beautiful and not very abundant in California, and a couple of my favourite memories involve watching lightning.
• I lived two and a half hours away from Disney World, so that was pretty beautiful.
• The people are really complimentary. I just feel like more strangers went out of their way to compliment me than they do around here; like, pretty much every day I left my house I would get some sort of compliment, usually about my hair.
• Beaches. Obviously. The water is so stinking cold here. I only went to the beach a few times in Jacksonville and I regret it so much because that water is so, so nice. Except that the first time I went to the beach in Jacksonville I was trying to boogie board and there weren't really waves to catch, and then suddenly someone was warning me about a shark. But that white sand!
• There's a restaurant called Taco Lu that has all sorts of tacos, including one with steak and brie. There are few things I love more than steak and brie. I unfortunately discovered this gem too late.
• Another restaurant I discovered way too late was 4 Rivers Barbeque. Southern Barbeque, man. I really did not get enough of that.
• I lived five minutes from an arboretum. That was a really cool place. We have way better hiking places around here, but it was a really peaceful, accessible place.
• It is a lot more affordable than Sonoma County, and pretty much anywhere else in California that isn't a desert.
• Total Wine is a big and beautiful place that we do no have within two hours of me
• Just in general there are a lot more places to shop and eat things (even if they don't know that Mexican food in restaurants should not include store-bought tortillas), which meant I was right across the street from a Target, and Michael's and World Market were like five minutes away. Do you know how great it is to live five minutes from World Market? DO YOU??
• Speaking of conveniences, Walmart never closes on the east coast or the south or wherever, I don't even know. But the Walmart five minutes away from me was open 24 hours and that was just the greatest. 
• TACO BELL HAS CHILI CHEESE BURRITOS THERE! WE HAVEN'T HAD THOSE SINCE THE 90'S AROUND HERE!
• It was only a couple of hours from Savannah and about five hours from Atlanta. Georgia is an adorable road trip destination.

I'm sure there were other good things about Jacksonville, but that's pretty much all I found that I liked in the eight months I lived there while being broke. That was probably the least interesting way to try to entice you to come read my blog every day this month but it's already past eleven. I hope you come back anyway.

Listening to: Lights Out by Ingrid Michaelson

Ignoring All the Red Flags

This is really difficult to write. For one thing, I've had to convince myself that I owe nothing to the person who did these things to me. My natural inclination is to protect him from anyone, myself included, from saying negative things about him, but I think the truth needs to be exposed. Reading about other people's situations helped me receive a little bit of clarity about my own and if I can help one person from being hurt by him or anyone else, writing this will have been worth it. It's going to be really difficult to be this personal with the internet and I'm not sure I'll ever be ready/willing to share all of it with the majority of people, but I will do my best to share most of it. 

The very first feeling I remember pushing down was probably about two years ago. Something he said just didn't seem plausible and it made me think about a few other things he'd said. It seemed like the type of things a compulsive liar would say, things from which he had nothing to gain from lying about, but I decided I was probably overthinking things and that I should just give him the benefit of the doubt. I wish I would have trusted my instincts right then. 

He made me really conscious of the fact that I was almost always the one to initiate contact. I remember bringing it up once and him saying, "I don't hear from you enough!" like it was my responsibility to maintain the friendship. And maybe that was just an introversion thing or something, but from the perspective I have now, it sure feels like a way of him gaining all the power in the relationship. Everything was always on his terms, right down to the end. Along those lines, he would frequently end conversations in the middle of them. Not because he became busy, but because he didn't want to talk about it anymore. Or maybe he just didn't want to talk to me anymore because he was busy talking to dozens of other girls. I ignored all this, because he frequently told me I was his best friend and he loved me more than anyone else in the world.

VidCon 2013 came, and that was when things started getting weird. He payed a lot of attention to me in a way that seemed like he wanted more than friendship, but soon shifted his attention to my friend. He ended that week by kissing her while I was right there. He knew I had feelings for him (and had told me he'd had feelings for me) but asked me after VidCon if my feelings were more normal and friendly. I said they were stronger if anything. He had spent an awful lot of time holding my hand and cuddling with me and telling me sweet things. All my friends (including the one he kissed) had pointed out how obvious his affections were for me. He basically said, "Whatever, I like this other girl." Then he made out with me two weeks later and spent an entire day with me just cuddling and kissing until he took me out to dinner.

For the next couple of months, he treated me like his girlfriend, all while heavily flirting with this other girl and making sure I knew I was definitely not his girlfriend. He paid for basically everything we did together, we kissed A LOT, he held my hand whenever we were walking around, he put his hand on my thigh when as we drove places. He told me he loved me all the time, especially while kissing me. I remember a time when we were making out and he tried to touch me somewhere that made me uncomfortable, so I squirmed the other way, to which he said, "It's cute when you squirm." RED FLAG, CHELSEA! People get to decide when and where they are touched. Period. He would tell me that we should stop kissing so that we could have a healthy friendship and sometimes he would stick to that for a week or two, sometimes he would initiate kissing me ten minutes later. I was constantly breaking down in tears and talking to my best friend about this ridiculously confusing situation, but I made sure to edit out any details that would make her hate him. I realise now that if you have to censor the things you say about someone for fear of making them look bad, you should probably not spend time with that person. But I ignored everything, including the fact that his feelings were with another girl, because I convinced myself that he was just confused about what he wanted and that he would eventually realise what we had was way too good not to want.

One of the first times we went out drinking, I questioned if he was okay to drive. He yelled at me and brought up his family history and basically made me out to be a terrible person for suggesting that maybe three or four drinks was too many to have before operating a motor vehicle. He told me he loved me too much to ever put me in danger like that. He made me too afraid to ever question him again and there were definitely several other times he drove us when he shouldn't have. Stupid stupid. 

He was incredibly inconsiderate. He knew how I felt about him, but he constantly flirted with other girls in front of me, and not even the girl he was supposedly interested in. He constantly talked about girls and their bodies in front of me and it was really uncomfortable and objectifying.

Everything that ever happened was my fault. I would find myself bringing up a way he had hurt me and he would turn it around on me and make it my fault and I would feel crazy for ever bringing it up. My feelings were completely invalid to him. For example, he constantly flaked on me. He said we were going to hang out but wouldn't show up, wouldn't even take the time to text me and then basically told me I was high maintenance when I brought it up. It is common courtesy to text someone if you're blowing them off. It is not too much to ask for. I told him so many times that this hurt me and yet he did it right up to the last time he would have seen me before I moved across the country. He didn't even say goodbye to me before I moved 3000 miles away.

There were times when I told him I needed to see him because I was really lonely and all he said was, "You don't need me, you just need Jesus." Thanks, I have Jesus. That doesn't mean you get to be a crappy friend. Once, I told him I wish I could shut down my mind and he said, "Your mind is a gift." That is not what a suicidal person should have to hear. That just makes us feel all the more crazy. 

Around Christmas, he was being a flake and ignoring the fact that I was desperately lonely and having a really hard time being away from my family. I feel like if my best friend was away from his/her family and had no one around but me during Christmas, I would make every effort to see that person. But he was going back and forth between flaking on plans and just not contacting me at all and I couldn't handle it. I told him that I needed to be away from him until he could be a better friend to me and that I needed him to pray about it until he felt he could be there. About a month later, he told me he had prayed about it and felt he could be there. I was flying home the next day. He didn't help me at all when my ride to the airport bailed, but I decided his excuse was legitimate (is "I'm about to go shopping with my grandma" legitimate?) and continued with fixing our friendship.

The night I came home, he came over at like 2 or 3 AM. I asked if he had been drinking, he said only a little, just enough to make him super cuddly. He made sure I didn't tweet that he was coming over (I'm not sure why I would have tweeted that) so that someone I had supposedly hurt wouldn't know we were hanging out. It wasn't long before he started kissing me (which we hadn't done in a couple of months) and telling me how much he missed me and told me I was never allowed to go away again without taking him. He seemed kind of weird at one point, so I asked if we should stop, but he said no. I must have caught his weird vibe, because I ended up throwing up the next morning. But I brushed it off and thought that finally things were changing between us because he wouldn't have told me he was ready to be in my life again only to treat me the same way he had been.

A couple of days later, I was having a hard time being away from home and was texting him about some bad thoughts I was having. He stopped responding after awhile (which as I mentioned earlier was a thing he frequently did so it wasn't crazy of me to assume the conversation was over) and when I saw he was busy posting Instagrams of silly conversations with the girl he'd kissed at VidCon, I was pretty upset that that was more important than responding to me. Of course, this was my fault and he started yelling at me and said something about how he couldn't handle his best friend (me) not getting along with his girlfriend. Cool, now I was the other women. He had made out with me while dating this other girl. He back-peddled and said, "You're taking that word too seriously, we're just as ambiguous as ever." I asked if he had told her and of course he hadn't and so I had the lovely pleasure of doing it. She certainly thought she was his girlfriend and that there was nothing ambiguous about it. And you know what? It was my fault for not knowing they were dating because I "ran away to California" because that's totally a thing you can't say over text. And then when it all went down and she was upset, I was the one who had "destroyed her" because I told her the truth. And he was all excuses, like, "I was drunk!" which he had told me he wasn't, and it didn't seem like he was, and claiming, "I just missed you!" like making out with me while having a girlfriend is a totally appropriate response to that. He sweet talked his way out of it and promised her he wouldn't hang out with me because I was the source of their trust issues.

About a week after all that, he was texting me for several hours, and told me that he wanted to be a good boyfriend but that he wanted to make out with me. He said he didn't know why God had done this to him: made him love two women. He told me he was with her because she was farther away and I was easier to hurt. He made it sound like he loved me more, but was scared, which had proven what I had been thinking the whole time. But the next morning, he just texted me: "Sorry for being a brat" and when I asked him what he wanted just replied, "Friends plz".

I'm not sure how much time passed after that before he told me that I had been right about his girlfriend situation and that he had broken up with her. It didn't take long before he was back at my house making out with me in the middle of the night. Things had to have changed this time, right? He'd told me he loved me and wasn't attached to anyone. But after that, he went back to being flaky. I asked him if he'd meant it when he said he'd loved me and he said, "I'm sure I did, but what was the context?" Once again, I felt completely crazy. I had a panic attack and had to quit my job. 

With the help of stories of manipulation from people like Kristina Horner, I realised how manipulative our relationship had been. I thought if I just mapped out all the manipulative things he had done, he would be able to see what he'd been doing and would be able to change his behaviour. So I wrote it out for him and he just kept asking me what I wanted to do about the Playlist Live situation, if I still wanted to room with him. I was so anxious talking to him that I was throwing up. He told me so much of what I said was, "So far off" but it was entirely things that had happened and how those things made me feel. I can't be off about facts and my own feelings. He told me I was demonizing him because of something I read on the internet. I knew he'd missed my point entirely, that he was continuing to invalidate my feelings, but it took me hours before I could tell him that I needed to be away from him for awhile. I was so weak. I missed him after a week and made the mistake of telling him so. I knew I was being manipulated but he told me he had changed. Well, he hadn't because he went right into telling me about some girl and then blew me off all the time.

Something that gave me pause about him just a few weeks ago was the way he was discussing religion with someone on Twitter. I brought up the concept of empathy and he said, "Sometimes empathy feels like bullshit." Empathy is a really important concept. Those who don't understand it have very serious problems. I should have realised then that he is a sociopath. That conversation turned into him asking me to come to VidCon because he wanted to spend several days being sweet to me and being best friends. Then he asked, "What if we get drunk and do things at VidCon?" He paid for my portion of the hotel room and I'm starting to think that his intentions were less than honourable. He has a girlfriend. In an interesting turn of events, he ended up making out with our other roommate. That was when it really clicked with me that this is a pattern of behaviour far beyond any confusion over his feelings about me, that he actually doesn't care about anyone. Women are just objects to him. He couldn't even take responsibility for his actions. He told me, "It's not true!" at one point and I'm not even sure what that means when I was there and it was definitely at like PG-13 level and he certainly could have stopped it. 

Writing this, it feels so obvious that I should have gotten away from him a long time ago. I thought that he just needed my love and forgiveness and he could change. I didn't think I could change him exactly. He has so many issues (although I'm no longer sure how many of those were just lies) and I thought if I prayed enough and was good enough to him that he could see his value and learn to be good to people. So many people tried to help me in the right direction, but I was so blinded by love that I couldn't believe anything bad about him. I was determined that every bad thing had a good explanation, one which he never gave me. I feel so duped and naive, but loving friends have pointed out that he is a master of manipulation. I was watching a John Green video yesterday where he talks about bullying and how it wasn't personal: it was about the bully's issues. Nothing that was done to me was about my lack of value, and I'm going to do my very best to internalise that, and to talk about this for anyone else who may have similar situations. You, dear reader, have tremendous value. Don't let anyone make you feel differently. Your thoughts and feelings are valid. You deserve to be treated well. Trust your instincts.

Don't Fear the Word

I've been trying/intending to write this blog for so long that after I wrote my post about turning 25, I searched for a line I thought I'd written. It was nowhere to be found. It's a difficult subject to tackle, but that's exactly why I feel it's necessary to write a a little bit about my journey with depression. I often think of Dumbledore when I think of this subject; "Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself." We're afraid to bring up depression or any dark feelings we may have, but forcing them down inside us only gives them more power. So, it is my hope that I can bring some of my darkest thoughts into the light. Part of me has been afraid that this will cause more darkness, but I think that's just the fear talking. I know so many people who have struggled through this and have felt completely isolated because of it. This is for you. You're not alone. (Back away now if you're sensitive to people graphically talking about suicidal thoughts.)

I'm going to start by saying that I've never been diagnosed with depression or anxiety disorder. It's not difficult to figure out that if you frequently want to die you have depressive issues. It's not difficult to figure out that when you're getting stress headaches at the age of ten, you have anxiety issues. I'm no sort of expert, I'm simply sharing my experiences with you. A lot of these experiences have surely been referenced at other times throughout this blog, sorry if you are subjected to them multiple times.

I've always been sort of a misfit. I would hop friend group to friend group. I was always sort of the third wheel hanging out with a couple of best friends. I suppose lots of people liked me, but everyone seemed to have their own groups established that they would only sort of let me be apart of. Looking back, my friends in junior high and high school would invite me places and I would make up excuses, unable to find a way to express my introversion and need to spend time by myself. Heck, I didn't really understand it. I was a bit of a class clown and back then I was outgoing, so I didn't really understand that I was introverted. I assumed I was an extrovert because I was Chatterbox (my actual camp name) and loved to run off at the mouth. I think that's why teenagers are so anxiety: they're constantly battling not only everyone else's misconceptions, but their own misconceptions of themselves. I'm not sure that entirely goes away in your twenties, but you start to get a bit of a grasp on who you are and how you relate to others. In high school, I sort of remember thinking I wanted to be sad. It was like teenagers were supposed to be sad so I wanted to do that. And I did. I wrote sad poetry and imagined leaving town and my parent's house. I remember questioning why God would let the boy who sat next to me in my English class junior year die in a car accident. I remember wanting to be someone else. I don't ever remember it  getting more serious than fairly typical teenage angst.

Almost as soon as I left high school, I started having problems. Everyone was asking me what I wanted to do and beyond, "I'm going to the JC," I had nothing to tell them. I wanted to learn some Italian so I could go to Italy, but I dropped my classes the first semester I enrolled before I set foot in them. I didn't feel motivated to be in school when I didn't know what I wanted to do with myself. Once I did go to school a year later, my anxiety was pretty awful. It was a struggle to be in class and to talk to other students, but more than anything it was a struggle to be called on. I specifically remember my English class and literally praying for strength to raise my hand and say something before she could call on me out of the blue. Even when I volunteered I would turn bright red. So much anxiety.

In 2009, things got really bad. I still had no idea what I wanted to do and I just imagined being stuck at Michael's and at home for the rest of my life. I constantly, actively wanted to die. I imagined slicing my body like meat with a sword. I imagined driving of a cliff. I imagined jumping off a cliff into the ocean. I imagined swallowing lots and lots of pills. I dropped all my classes that fall after sitting in a Spanish class and being unable to focus on anything because I was too busy imagining my body hanging from the rafters. I lived from big event to big adventure. I would tell myself that after my next Disneyland trip would be when I'd get to go. I drove myself on a trip for the first time that October and I'm not sure how I got home because I fully intended not to. I did make it home, though, obviously. I frequently prayed that Jesus would just end my life and let me be with him. I felt useless. Getting out of bed was the most tedious task. What possible reason was there for me to be on the earth? My view of myself and the people around me became so incredibly warped. I assumed none of my friends wanted me around, that they just let me be around out of some strange sense of obligation or convenience, because what could they possibly see in me? I was nobody. In thinking that, I became difficult to be around. I couldn't think of anything but my own uselessness so I was actually a really terrible friend. I'm so grateful to the friends who did stick around through all that. I drove to the beach a lot, never knowing if I would make it home, but the time I came closest to jumping, a family suddenly appeared next to me. I know Jesus was right there with me that whole time. It's hard to know that while knowing all the pain in my heart, but I know I wouldn't be here without him. Really, I was praying more than I ever had in my life and just breaking down in complete worship. It still hurt all the time, but when I thought I would break, He was always there next to me.

In February of 2010, my friend showed me a Charlie McDonnell video: Song About Love. I adored it, and proceed to watch all of his videos. I had no idea what video blogs were until that time. I started watching other vloggers through him, and came across Hank and John Green. In a way, it sort of saved my life. These men and the community they created taught me that it was okay to be myself. I'd spent so much time feeling like a misfit, I never really embraced the things that made me unique. I realised I had been sort of guarded to who I was and never fully allowed myself to enjoy certain things. That summer I led a bible study as well so I was spending a lot more time in the word, and also going out and having adventures with the girls in the group. I think it was sometime in the fall that I woke up and realised, "Whoa, I haven't thought about killing myself in a really long time. I think it's been a couple months." Nothing about my circumstances had changed very much if at all, I was simply embracing myself more, and immersing myself in the word. My darkest time was over.

I intended to talk about this up to about present day, but I think this blog is plenty long. I will say this: keep going. When you think you can't, keep going. Life may not necessarily get better but YOU can get better. And don't be afraid to talk about depression. Don't fear the word. 

Notes and Changes

Last night as I was making a list of 25 Things to do at 25, I remembered I'd written Facebook notes with summer goals for a couple of years. I checked them out to get some ideas for my list (although I had already written several of them down; I'm apparently terrible at completing goals) and then I started reading some of my old notes. Someone told me years ago that I was good at doing Myspace surveys. I may have carried those over to Facebook as Myspace started to become less and less used. Reading through those surveys and things that are up to six years old was a very interesting way to look at how I've changed. 

My first note is from December 2008, I was 19 and it was that August that I had gone to Disneyland for the first time as an adult. That February, I bought my first annual pass. It shows. I bring up Disneyland at every possible moment. The first note starts with me saying, "If I could be anywhere right now, it would be Disneyland" and that's pretty much the same as it would be now except I might throw in EPCOT as a back up plan. It's funny because I hadn't realised Disney had become my second home after my very first visit.

I was so sassy and sarcastic! Good thing I've gotten over that. I use every opportunity to turn answers into comedy, or a pop culture reference. What alarmed me is that those references used to come from Twilight. Luckily, one of them was a really great reference to Jim and Pam in The Office. I don't think I will ever not be the girl to make references to The Office at every possible turn. 

I laughed because in comments Chloe told me to let something go. Five years and I'm just now learning to let things go. And by that I mean I've made slight progress but still have a terrible time letting things go. 

I still sing loudly in my car. I still adore getting letters in the mail. I'm still horrified of spiders and mistake black fuzz for said insects. I still have a tendency to think I'm not really good at anything. I still love cheesy movies (though I've learned how to spell "cheesy".) I still buy things just because they're blue. I still love me a good thunderstorm. I still hate mushrooms. Dr. Pepper is still icky.

I mentioned a couple of times that I would never get a tattoo but now I plan on getting at least one. I hated beer back then. I would love to go back in time and tell 19-year-old Chelsea that she would one day drink an entire boot of beer. Speaking of time travel, I said I'd only want to time travel with Hiro Nakamura. I'm wearing a shirt with a TARDIS on it so that's definitely no longer a thing. I hated children for a time. I forgot that I did not always have baby fever. 

One thing that is super obvious to me is how depressed I was when I wrote a lot of these. I was clearly so unhappy with my life. I got through life only by looking forward to my next big adventure, just hoping the days would pass. I'm clearly counting down to something (usually Disneyland) in almost every note. It kind of transported me back to that time when I was that girl, a strange sense of empathy for my past self. I'm gonna keep this light and not talk about that until I make myself write the blog about depression that's been swimming around my brain for months. I will say that I do think I am a little bit more optimistic, a little bit more trusting of God, and don't question whether or not my friends actually want me around anymore. My greatest fear is no longer not being loved. I know how deeply I am loved by my Father and that is more than enough for me. I was hopeless then; now my heart is full of hope.

Thoughts of a 25-Year-Old

My mind is like The Civil War: a destructive war in which one side is clearly wrong. Fighting on the side of the Confederates is the voice that tells me I'm useless. It tells me that I'm just a girl who has accomplished nothing, will live with her parents forever, has no discernible talents, someone who is unlovable. It tells me that my life is crap and won't get better and I certainly won't be able to live my dreams. Standing on the side of the North is The Truth. It's the knowledge that I am the child of a God who has my future planned and has created me on purpose for a purpose. 

Yesterday, my 25th birthday, was Gettysburg. To me, the day represented all my failures; a monument of dreams unfulfilled, a milestone to mark achievement-less existence. The South was winning, willing me to sleep the day away. The thing about Gettysburg? There were a lot of casualties, but it turned out to be sort of a turning point, and (spoiler alert!) The North wins. Jesus wins. I have victory in and through Him.

As much as I wanted to ignore my birthday, my friends did not. On Saturday I got to go on a hike in the beautiful redwoods with two of my amazing friends, one of whom had lovely picnic surprises for me. A friend brought me bacon at church yesterday. Other friends took me out to dinner and then (sort of) played Catan with me. One gave me a box full of things from The Office which was so me right down to the argyle paper she wrapped it in. The other made me the most gorgeous cupcakes I've ever seen, covered in things that are special to us. My thoughtful, wonderful friends showed me that I matter to them, that they love me. 

I also received a letter. Ashleigh likes to make me cry, so she told me that she's proud of me and that we're going to make all of our dreams come true, but what I can't get out of my mind is, "I can't wait for this next chapter in your life. You're going to be great." 24 was absolutely the most difficult year of my life so far. But Ashleigh's right, now is a new chapter. I've talked about how much I love the promise of the New Year and have been sort of ignoring the fact that a birthday is kind of the same thing, except more personally. Yeah, it's arbitrary, but that crap year of my life is behind me. But it also grew me. I'm certainly not the person I was when I had my last birthday. I know that growth is what Ashleigh is referring to when she says, "You're going to be great." It's honestly one of the most meaningful things that has ever been said to me. So many people would have said, "It's going to be great." That means nothing. You know nothing about the future. But if just one person has faith in the person I've become, I know I can do it. I know she will support me and cheer me on as I learn to be a person.

Anyway, this isn't meant to be another love post about Ashleigh. It's a post about growing and learning and life. I've had several conversations with my fellow 20-somethings about how we don't feel like we are where we're "supposed to be" at this point in our lives. I advised them to stop comparing their lives to others. Of course, I am a hypocrite. It's so easy to scroll through our News Feed and see updates from people getting degrees, starting families, getting fancy jobs, doing things we feel like we should have done by this point in our lives. We see those people and get depressed that they have it all together and we don't. PSA: No one has it all together. Everyone sees something when they look into the Mirror of Erised. When we compare our lives to others, particularly on social media, we forget that we don't see everything. People choose what they put on Facebook. Most people aren't going to put their biggest mistakes on Facebook. It's so easy to forget to imagine people complexly. 

Life isn't a formula. You're not "supposed" to do anything. There are no timelines, no maps, no guidelines. You don't need to go to college, get married, have babies, have a solid career EVER if you choose not to, let alone do those things by a certain age. You are not defined by your achievements. There's no measuring tape that says you're less of a person because you don't have that degree or that house or that anything.  There's no progress report to tell you if you're doing life the way you should be. You're not a pile of mistakes. You're not half a person without romance. You're not worthless just because you haven't done the things some other person who is completely different than you has done. One day, you may just be given an opportunity that you wouldn't have been able to take if you had done things in the order that someone once made you feel was necessary.

With this being said, I'm going into my 25th year of the precious life I've been given with my Savior by my side, my friends on the other, regret behind me. I'm vowing to myself to do some of those things I can't believe I haven't yet done in a quarter of a century. I'm vowing to see the endless blessings in my life. I'm vowing to do my best not to compare myself to others. I'm vowing to see myself as something other than a compilation of my mistakes. I'm vowing to make better choices. I'm vowing to put my life, my future, my perspective, in the hands of the Almighty. It was always His anyway.

The Perks of Home

Today's post is going to be the opposite of yesterday's post. Being practically alone away from everything you know makes you appreciate the things you once took for granted. I'm gonna make lists because lists are fun and this is my blog and I do what I want.

Perks of living with my parents:

• I was just watching TV the other day and my mom brought me an ice cream bar (oh, my brother just brought me some cake)
• I get free meals. Like, all the time! Whenever I'm home! Food! That's free!
• I can get free physical therapy (from my dad) any time I need it which is fantastic because today I overworked my hip flexor
• I no longer have to spend my own money on things like toilet paper, paper towels, soap, detergent, toothbrushes, and other stupid crap I need but don't want to pay for
• The internet is free!
• Electricity is free!
• DVR is a phenomenal beauty
• I don't have to be in an apartment complex where I can here my neighbors constantly
• Sometimes it's cool to not go days at a time without seeing another human face that Netflix isn't showing me

Perks of living in Petaluma:

• My best friend is close and works in my town and I can pretend to cheer her up on bad days
• My best friend works at a cupcakery
• I have like actual real friends to drink tea and watch movies with
• I live in one of the most beautiful places on the planet
• I can go hiking in redwoods and other glorious places
• I'm near pesto burgers
• There are dozens of glorious taquerias within driving distance
• Hello, In N Out
• The weather here is actually pretty great
• I live within driving distance of San Francisco where endless dreams can come true
• I get to hang out with the babies at church
• I get to go to a church where people talk to me
• We have Trader Joe's!
• I can go to an amazing book store where a lot of authors like to come
• Someone brought a baby goat to church last week. Where else is that going to happen?

Despite my silly mood, the best thing about being here is that I'm surrounded by love and support.

Why It's Hard to Be Home

I wasn't ready to leave Jacksonville. It was a decision I made out of desperation and loneliness. Yeah, I was dead broke, but I didn't even try to find a better job. I knew I needed to, but I gave up on myself. I decided I wasn't worth it, that I would just give up and go back to the house I swore I'd never live in again. That would be preferable to more failure. 

It's not easy being (almost) 25 and living with your parents. I had this lady come up to me a few weeks ago and ask me how it was being back home, my mom standing right next to us. I said something non-committal, and she said something along the lines of, "Kids are meant to move out when they're 18. It's not easy to come back." WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY TO THAT WITH MY MOTHER STANDING RIGHT THERE? Was that supposed to be helpful? Because it most definitely was not. It wasn't easy being here the first time around, hence the 3000 mile move, and it sure as crap is not easy being here all over again.

I'm a very independent person, I always knew I needed to be on my own. Now, having experienced that, it is so incredibly difficult to have that stripped away. I have to go back to telling someone whenever I leave the house, being expected to call if I'm going to miss dinner. I have to justify every move that I make, which is especially difficult amid all the anxiety attacks I've been having. I can't really have people over, which is unfortunate now that I'm back in a place where I have more friends. In Florida, I was learning how to be an adult. Now, I have to learn how to be somebody's kid again. I have to re-learn what it is like to have people in the house with me most of the time. I can feel my family tip-toeing around me as I tip-toe around them and pretend to be okay.

It's not just being back in this house, but this town that's hard. Every conversation I have with a person who is not super close with me (mainly "adults")  is so difficult. I have to smile through all the "I told you so's" and all the pity I receive for being an unemployed 25-year-old living with her parents with nothing but retail in her sad little future. I have never liked small talk, but now it is completely unbearable.

The real reason it's so hard to be here is that I tried to do something to make my life better. I failed. Now, my life is more difficult than it was before I left because now I have all this debt and am so far from ever being able to live anywhere besides this house. And home? Home isn't home anymore. 

Friend Love

Exactly a month ago, my best friend, Ashleigh, flew from Oakland to Jacksonville in order to drive from Jacksonville, FL to Petaluma/Rohnert Park, CA with me. After several difficult, lonely months, and a difficult week of (not) packing and lots of panicking, having my best friend fly across the country was exactly what I needed. I'm still so grateful for it that I'm crying as I write this. That someone loves me enough to buy a plane ticket in order to sit in a car for 7-10 hours a day with me for a week is sort of more than I can fathom. I'm tremendously thankful for her love and support always.

Ashleigh and I have a very strange relationship. She's one of very few people I can spend days at a time with and not get sick of her. (That might sound awful, but I'm terribly introverted, which means I rely on a lot of alone time to recharge.) When we are together, I can say exactly what I'm thinking all the time. I'm like J.D. from Scrubs, but out loud. I'm myself around all my friends, otherwise I don't consider them friends, but I think we all sort of censor ourselves around most people. Having a filter is good (not that I have much of one ever), but I think it's important to have people in our lives with whom we can share our unfiltered thoughts. She's always willing to go on adventures with me, even if she knows nothing about them. In fact, when she got to Florida, she had apparently missed my text with our itinerary: she had no idea what we were doing or where we were going besides, like, Disneyland. She didn't seem to mind. Furthermore, at midnight, we decided to wake up at 5 AM to repeat one of our first adventures together and drive 2 1/2 hours each way to EPCOT the day before hitting the road to drive through the entire south part of the United States. We don't agree all the time (I mean, seriously, who doesn't like bacon?) but we don't fight with each other. Like, we've never had a single serious argument in our 5 years of knowing each other (except she did used to think I hated her lololol). 

Due to our somewhat unconventional relationship and the fact that we openly say sappy things to each other, (okay, I say most of the sappy, nostalgic things), people often refer to us as a couple. This doesn't really bother me, it's mostly in good fun and I make jokes about it almost every day, but it does point to a problem with the world we live in: Friendships are undervalued. Can't two people love on each other and be there for each other as simply two people who connect on a platonic level?

Movies, songs, novels, the media, our family, our friends, seemingly every force around us perpetuates this idea that we are not "whole" without someone to love romantically. Yes, romantic love is great, but it is not THE thing that will make your life fantastic. Friend love is something that should be sought after and celebrated, not degraded by this idea that romantic love is far superior. Friends are there to support you and laugh with you. They point out when you need a haircut. They tell you whether or not you should buy that dress you've had your eye on. Friends make tea for you and tell you when you're being an idiot. Friends wait hours in line with you to see movies at midnight or get that exclusive beer that's only available for two weeks. Friends text you when you're crying and remind you that you are someone worthwhile, that you are a Child of God. They are those wonderful people who enhance your life in unexpected ways, and frankly the ways they put up with us sometimes is nothing short of miraculous.

You don't need to fall in love to have your life touched by people in amazing ways. If you open yourself up to other people, they will fill you with great joy. There's this great line in Regina Spektor's "Firewood" that says, "Love what you have and you'll have more love." We're a culture that is always wanting more and more and it's gluttonous. You may be lonely sometimes, but I'm guessing, no matter who you are, there is SOMEONE who loves you. Love that. Love them. Let that be enough.

To all my other friends: I love you guys. I appreciate your support. You are wonderful people and I'm lucky to have you in my life.