Boys Don't Like Girls with Short Hair

I've donated my hair three times in my life, meaning I've had 8+ inches of hair removed from my head on 3 separate occasions. Each time I've done this, I've been told that boys don't like girls with short hair, or that they like girls with long hair. I think every female has been fed this lie at least once in her life. I recently chopped off my hair again (though I couldn't donate it due to bleach and things) and have been inspired to talk about this vicious statement that most of us have been hearing for years. 

Here are three reasons we shouldn't tell girls that boys won't like them if they cut their hair short:

1. It is not a true statement. Any time you make a generalisation that half the population doesn't like a certain thing, there is an astronomical chance that you are wrong. Do all girls look for the same things in guys? Heck no. And not all guys like the same things on girls. People are complex and diverse and we cannot degrade them by assuming we know their preferences before we even talk to them. Yes, there will be men who prefer women to have long, blonde hair, but there are also men who not only like short hair, but who PREFER it. Crazy? No, it's actually not. People have always had different tastes, this isn't news. I don't know when we decided it was okay to instill this idea that all of any group of people do or do not like a certain thing, but I'm fairly certain it has never been true. ANY statement that starts with "Boys don't like..." is something you should disregard. (And men, you bet you can disregard those "Girls don't like..." statements.)

2. We are placing far too much value on exterior beauty. When you tell a girl not to cut her hair short, you are teaching her to find her sense of self in her appearance and it is arguably one of the most harmful lessons to give. If a girl is conventionally less attractive with short hair, WHO CARES? We have to be less shallow than that. Most girls are told things like this for the first time around puberty. Puberty is confusing and gross and terrible and we are making it so much harder than it needs to be when we continually enforce standards of what is beautiful and feminine on girls. Telling girls they need to be beautiful on the outside and that they need to do certain things to maintain that beauty will later lead to vanity issues or, more likely, self-esteem issues. We should be spending our time with young women with the intent to help them develop a strong sense of who they are as people, guiding them in ways that are edifying and productive, not concerning ourselves with things that will have no bearing on who they are as human beings. We are so much more than purely ornamental.

3. We are teaching girls that their life should revolve around pleasing men. Telling girls to make every little decision based on what they think will be pleasing to the opposite sex is not only pointless due to my first point, but it is so incredibly degrading to who we are as people. Ladies, your number one goal in life has to be more than finding and pleasing a husband. And you know what? If a man doesn't like you based on the length of your hair, he is not worth your time. We have to stop telling girls that their purpose lies in another person. Your parents and grandparents will more than likely put pressure on you to get married, but there is no person on this earth who can make you whole. If you spend your whole life single, that is okay. Many people live beautiful, fulfilling lives without ever getting married. There is so much love to be found among family and friends. Romance may improve your life, but it does not make or break it. Rather than teaching girls dependence on other people, we should be teaching them skills they will need as they grow into adulthood so that they can flourish on their own.

The solution here is really simple: stop making these generalisations about boys OR girls. They are so harmful and counterproductive. You are so much more than what you appear, so much more than the shallow judgments of those who surround you. THAT is the sentiment we should be spreading like wildfire.

Why I Moved

I'd imagine that anyone reading my blog would know this, but just in case you don't: I recently moved across the country. Back in August I packed up everything I could into my Toyota Corolla and drove for 3 solid days from Petaluma, CA to Jacksonville, FL. Just me, the open road, good tunes, and my co-pilot, Daryl, the red panda. (I was on the road for 17 hours on the last day, an hour of which was just sitting in my car while an accident was being cleaned up.)

So the question that leaves in everyone's mind is, "Why?" It's a reasonable question, but it's not a cut-and-dry answer like everyone wants it to be. The number one assumption people make is that I moved here for school. I suppose that's a decent hypothesis, but at this point in my life, I don't plan on going to school again. School is just not for me, but I suppose I can't expect people to necessarily know that. The other assumption I've gotten almost as much is that I gave up the entire life that I knew to be with some boy. This infuriates me beyond measure. I am 24 and have been in exactly one relationship, if you can call it that. I was "dating" a boy (okay, he happens to live in Florida, I'll give them that) for 2 months. I literally did not see him in that period of time. Not exactly much of a relationship. I'm not sure if people thought I was moving for that specific boy, or just a boy in general, but the fact that anyone thought I would move 3000 miles away just to get a boyfriend upsets me greatly. I know I don't have a lot of prospects, but I'm not exactly the type of person who thinks life revolves around finding a husband. (I could probably write an entire post just about that. And I might.) Sure, I'm a kind of a hopeless romantic in some ways; I will never be over Jim and Pam or Lizzie and Darcy, but moving across the country for a guy without being in a fairly committed relationship is just not something I, personally, would do. I don't know, maybe to some people that would be more of a reason than my actual reasons. I did, however, move to where my best friend lives and he just happens to be of the male variety.

The idea of moving to Florida actually started out as something completely different than what was actually executed. I had this friend who broke up with her boyfriend who lived with her. She didn't have a lot of friends in the area, she was obviously upset over losing her boyfriend, and she needed a roommate. At the time, she was one of my best friends, even though I have only spent time with her in real life twice. One day, she texted me and asked, probably never in a million years expecting me to agree (and possibly jokingly), if I would move in with her. I decided that I would move in with her, but I wanted to wait 'til after VidCon so that I could definitely still go and so I could have some time to save up. We were both very excited and spent a lot of time discussing what it would be like to live together and occasionally warning each other about habits that we have that the other might find annoying when living together. After finally getting up the nerve to tell my boss, and right before I was going to tell my parents, she told me that she was having second thoughts. She never really even followed up on those second thoughts, I was just to assume that she no longer wanted to live with me.

Honestly, that set me off into a really low time. My depression hit harder than it had in years (more on that in a later post). I took it very personally that she didn't want to live with me. There had to be something wrong with me. I just was completely at a loss as to what to do. Yes, I was doing this largely as a favour to my friend. I love my friends and I will do anything in my power not to have to see them sad. That wasn't my only reason to move to Florida, though. I had lived in the same town, in the same house since I was 2. Petaluma is a pretty small town, one of those places you can't go anywhere without running into someone you know and usually don't want to talk to. As someone with social anxiety, having a conversation with someone I've known for years but doesn't remember who I am, is a complete nightmare. Or with someone I went to high school with but never talked to so we're both standing there trying not to acknowledge that we know each other. Or with anyone who expects me to make small talk. Moving to a place where I wouldn't have to encounter these things had a great appeal to me. I am also a very independent person, so living with my parents was increasingly difficult. Having to justify everything I do, everywhere I go at 24 is just not my jam. You would think that when I informed my mother at the age of 2 that I would be picking out my own clothes from then on, she would realise I do not do well with people trying to control me. That is, unfortunately, not the case. I had never imagined still living with my parents into my mid-twenties. I will always be a little kid and watch Disney movies to my heart's desire, but I was really overdue on becoming an independent adult. That's not to insult anyone who lives with his/her parents, that's just my experience. I needed to find out who I was outside of the context of my town and my home.

I don't remember how long I was freaking out about my plans being suddenly derailed. I considered moving to random towns in Florida, out of Florida. I didn't have much money to do something on my own, and anywhere in or around Petaluma would have been too expensive. Meanwhile, any situation where my plans to move were brought up, especially work, was torture. I was having a lot of panic attacks. The nice thing about being a manager was that I could disappear to the back without really being questioned. I just couldn't face telling anyone that I wasn't moving to Tallahassee. The thought of not having a plan alone was an unbearable amount of anxiety, but the thought of having to explain that to someone...well, it was just really not good. I told my best friends and pretty much no one else. I know they're my best friends because I'm sure I was a jerk to them when they tried to advise me. Possibly having to stay in my parents house and tell my job that I wasn't leaving and hoping they would let me still work there was more than I could handle hearing from anyone. They told me I didn't HAVE to go anywhere, but my brain didn't know how to deal with that. I cannot stand not doing the things I say I'll do. (Like the fact that I didn't start doing daily blogs when I said I would. I'm completely ashamed of myself.) So many people said I wouldn't go. So thanks for that challenge. If someone thinks I can't do something, I will work that much harder to do it. 

I eventually remembered that when I had seen my friend Tiffany in May, she told me she was moving to Florida and hadn't believed when I said I was also moving to Florida. Tiffany had lived in Santa Barbara. I've visited her there several times and loved it so much that I almost moved in with her a couple of years ago. She was doing an internship type thing as her rent, though, and the director filled up the apartment. I decided I needed to tell Tiffany that I would no longer be moving to her state. I think somewhere in the back of my mind I had this little hope that maybe she needed a roommate. Sure enough, she responded to my Facebook the next day and said she had been praying to find a roommate. It had sort of perfectly matched up with my own prayers. The timing worked out with the plans I already had. One of my best friends was also in Jacksonville where she would be teaching. I prayed on it a bit and was completely certain that God was telling me to go to Jacksonville. 

What I tell people when they ask why I moved is that Tiffany asked me to move in with her and so I did. That's partially true, but now you know there is a lot more to it than that. I am always up for a new adventure. We all tend to grow complacent, remaining in places, jobs, relationships, where we aren't happy. I knew my life needed a change and here I was given this opportunity to change mine very drastically. Sometimes you just have to jump in and make changes and let God do the rest. 

Why I NaNoWriMo

It's mid-October which means it's time to start thinking about NaNoWriMo! If you happen to be reading this and don't know what NaNoWriMo is, it National Novel Writing Month during which thousands of people from around the world write a 50,000+ word novel in November. This will be my fourth year participating. And winning. (Shut up, I'm going to win.)

To some people, the thought of writing 1667 words a day for 30 days sounds like a slow, painful torture. Heck, it sort of is. But it's torture with a satisfying outcome. There are lots of reasons to do NaNoWriMo, but here are some of my reasons for doing it as a person who spends little to no other time writing:

1. Discipline. I have none. I've been having thoughts of maybe writing a novel for longer than I can remember. At twelve, I was working on a gripping novel about a girl who lost her parents to a September 11th plane crash. It was actually mostly about how she didn't fit in anywhere and was full of angsty angst. I know, shocking that I would write something angsty. I think I wrote three or four chapters of that and abandoned it. I think I was also trying to write a fictionalized version of my grandpa's near death at the same time. Everything that I had ever worked on before November 2010 went unfinished due to lack of discipline. NaNoWriMo sort of forces discipline into you. When you have such a short time to write so much, you have to plow through those days when you don't want to write. If you don't, you will A) Lose or B) Find yourself with a big pot of tea and mounds of snacks as you write into the wee hours of the morning to burn out 25k in day. I don't accept defeat and found myself choosing B last year. I definitely didn't have discipline throughout the month, but I sure as crap did on that last day (my mom kept asking me to watch TV with her). And now I will never do that again.

2. Community. The people who decide to write a novel in a month are cool people and there are lots of them. Struggling through something like this really brings people together in cool ways. I've made several friends through people finding my NaNoWriMo video and tweets and tumbls about it, and I've gotten closer to friends I already had by doing it. No one really understands the pleasure and pain of November except other novelists. Last year I sent out postcards of encouragement to all my friends who were participating. I'm going to pretend that helped. I have also put together playlists and had writing parties via the internet. Friends are cool. 

3. Challenge. I love me a good challenge. Ride every ride in Disneyland in one day? Done. Drive from the Bay Area to Oregon in one day? Sure. Watch every extended version of Lord of the Rings in one sitting? Extra done. The moment something becomes slightly crazy, I want to do it just to say I have done it. Writing a novel in a month is a little crazy, but when you're done you have this thing that you've made. It may be terrible and no one else may ever read it, but it's there and it's done and that's beautiful. 

The reason this blog is currently coming at you is because I haven't done any writing recently and I need to re-learn to articulate myself in more than 140 characters. This has also just been a time of a lot of self-reflection and discovery in my life. Due to those and that whole challenge thing, I'm going to be writing a post everyday from now until November. We'll see how this goes!

I made a video about NaNoWriMo a couple of years ago in which I give tips and advice for those participating. I un-privated it just for you.

On Life Being What You Make It

I'm alive! I have all the body parts with which to put together sentences on this thing called a blog! Shocking, I know.

Today I received a tweet from my friend, Hannah, saying she is jealous of my life (as well as the life of my friend and padawan Ashleigh, but this is my blog so we're mostly going to talk about me). This is all I have been thinking about for the past couple of hours and I really just wanted to talk about this. Obviously, since I am here writing a blog for the first time in over a year.

I am a 24-year-old girl who lives with her parents and works a crappy retail job with no particular talents to speak of. I'm not sure anyone has ever told me (at least not seriously) that they are jealous of my life. There are many days where I am unhappy and don't particularly like my own life, but when my life is great it is because I have made it that way. We all know that cliche "Life is what you make it" and I am here to tell you how true that is. 

There are always going to be circumstances in your life that are less than ideal. To a lot of people, I'm probably just a loser who has no life. There are some days when I work all day and just come home and watch shows from over a decade ago on Netflix and I am one of the people who think I have no life. The reason my life is actually sort of awesome is that I go on a lot of adventures. I'm guessing these adventures are what Hannah envies about my life. You know what's cool about adventures? Pretty much anyone can go on them. Yes, some of them are expensive, but there are a lot of things you can do for free. I just got back from a really awesome hike and all it cost me was gas, which is the biggest cost in basically all my adventures. 

Life is about priorities. If you are unhappy with your life, think about what you are prioritizing. Are you broke because you buy a venti soy chai with a shot of caramel everyday? Stop going to Starbucks everyday. Do you spend too much money on shirts because you check Teefury at exactly midnight east coast time every night and you can't help but buy that new Doctor Who shirt? Stop checking TeeFury. If you buy lunch everyday while you're at work or school, you're doing it wrong. Bring it with you every once in awhile. Think about where your money is going. Make a list of everything you spend money on for a week and see what you can cut out. I struggle with a lot of these things, but my point is that there are probably ways you can save money for doing things that will make you enjoy your life more.

If money isn't what's holding you back from having the kind of life you want, ask yourself what is. Today I was tired and just didn't want to get out of bed to go hiking but I forced myself to do so and I'm so glad that I did. If there is something you really want to do, don't let 4 hours of sleep hold you back. It's ok to be the anti-social kid who stays at home on Friday nights reading science fiction, but don't let a natural inclination to be alone keep you from having fun. Not that reading isn't great fun, but you need to go outside sometimes. Plus, you can always have adventures on your own if you feel so inclined. That book will be there later when you're trying to wind down from all the fun you've had.

A huge reason why I enjoy my life is my friends. I wouldn't have done a lot of the things I've done over the past 3 years or so if I didn't have Ashleigh by my side. There are a lot of other really great people in my life, too, the kind who agree to go on a trip to the beach at the last minute when we had something entirely different planned. By no means do I have a lot of friends, but the ones I do have are wonderful, caring people who share a lot of my interests. I know this is not always something you can control in your own life, but make sure you get rid of any toxic relationships in your life. You may find beautiful new friendships if you cut people out of your life who are constantly hurting you. 

I am a lover of lists and goals. I find that if I list specific goals for myself, I do a lot more than I would have otherwise. Make a bucket list of things you want to do for the summer. Make it way longer than is conceivable to complete, but do whatever you can to check off as much as possible. It's quite satisfying to see on paper (or a screen) what you have done with your time.

Be spontaneous. Go on that last minute trip to some place you've never hear of with your friend. Be flexible. We all have busy lives and people's plans change. Be willing to go with the flow and do something different if things don't go the way you originally intended. I had plans to go out with a group of people, half of which cancelled at the last minute. I almost didn't go out that night because I hadn't hung out with those people before, but I made myself get over my anxiety and had a really great time. I have hung out with those guys many times since then. That forcing yourself to do things really works.

Remember that you have power over your life, it's not just a thing that is happening to you. Don't wallow in your circumstances; make a conscious decision to do the things that make you happy and fulfilled. Life's what you make it, so let's make it rock.


Listening to: "Waiting for the Dawn" by The Mowglis