Winning

I've been consciously trying to let myself feel the joy of every little win in my life. I say "little", but let's be honest, a lot of it has not felt little. When you're like me, anxiety and strong emotional reactions mean that nothing ever feels little. Everything is in bold colors. And that's why shining the light on the little victories is so important.

Get out of bed when you don't want to? Win.

Leave the house when you want to stay home? Win.

Go to the kitchen when you want to hide in your room? Win.

Put yourself in a setting you're skeptical of? Win.

Talk about something you want to avoid? Win.

Stop beating yourself up for a mistake? Win.

Go somewhere alone that you never imagined not having backup for? Win.

Get your tea blend to turn out perfectly? Win.

Write a novel in a month after two years of failing? Epic win.

I want to talk about that last one, because that was truly a huge win for me. I have participated in NaNoWriMo since 2010. I had never written a novel until I started doing it, but I had always wanted to write a novel. Getting a novel published is probably my biggest life goal, but I need the community and motivation of NaNoWriMo to do it. I need a month where everyone is doing the same draining, insane task I am. It's genuinely one of my favorite times of the year. But I hadn't won in two years. I pushed through 2012 by somehow writing 13,000 words on the second to last day, and nearly 25,000 words on the last day. 2013 came and I was in such a deep depression that I could not get myself to write two thousand words. Last year, I had been having panic attacks and quit a job that made me feel like I would never do anything right again, and I wrote about eighteen thousand words. This year, I can't pretend I'm not struggling. I have had a lot of anxiety and some depression and I have been struggling with a deteriorating attention span for two years or so. Despite all that, I wrote a novel. I persevered and I wrote over fifty thousand words. A lot of the reason I was able to win was because I let my celebrate the little victories within my novel, rewarding myself in some way every five thousand words. It may not be as impressive as writing most of my novel in two days like the last time I won, but this feels like an even bigger victory for me as a person. I have lost anything in my life that felt like a constant. I have struggled with losing myself and trying to rebuild myself. Winning NaNoWriMo is like finding that a piece of myself I thought I had lost was still there. The determined girl I once was is still here. That girl who knew how to push past the pain is still here. The girl who knew what she wanted is still here. I'm still Chelsea. 

If you're struggling, take time to appreciate every tiny (or large!) victorious moment where you didn't give in to whatever you are struggling against. It's easier to get through the next struggle if you remember that you've won before. 

The Double-Edged Sword of Imagination

I've been spending some time learning about my Ennegram type. I am a Type Four: The Individualist. There's a lot to be learned from psychological evaluations of personality type, but today I'm going to talk about imagination.

I've always seen imagination as a pathway to endless marvels. I never really considered that imagination could also be a pathway to destruction until reading about Fours. There are pieces of my imagination that I have known are problematic without even realizing that they are, in fact, connected to imagination. 

Reading about my type and our overuse of imagination, I didn't really think I had that quality. Then, I suddenly realized that empathy is simply the ability to imagine deeply. I'm sure that sounds really obvious, but I had never really thought about it that way. Empathy is such an emotional and automatic response for me, it feels like more of a reaction than a cognitive process. Seeing empathy, something that I highly value and appreciate but also know to be problematic, as a process of imagination made me start to see that maybe I do have this over-active imagination problem.

Introspection is another double-edged sword that I hadn't ever recognized as a compartment of imagination. Knowing yourself and examining yourself is a good thing, but you can get lost in your mind, ruminating on all your flaws and problems. Being hyper-aware of your shortcomings is not a fun time, yet it's a trap I find myself in all too frequently, another trap of imagination.

Yet as I read about the concept of my "Fantasy Self", the idea that I build up an idealized self in my mind, I thought, "I don't do that." Oh, Chelsea. It's so cute when you blatantly lie to yourself. Of course I do this, and I think a lot of other people probably do this without necessarily realizing that they do, so that's why we're here talking about it today. 

The idea of Fantasy Self is closely linked with perfectionism, a trait I know myself to have and of which I am trying to break myself. I have been trying to break myself of a lot of things, actually. I have been trying to rebuild myself into a whole new person, a person I have a very clear image of, my Fantasy Self. Working towards a better you is a good thing, but imagining better is only a part of the process, and if you're not careful, you can find yourself imagining without working. Re-wiring yourself is a slow and painful process. There are going to be snags. Everyone makes bad decisions, falls into the habits they're trying to leave behind them. And that's where the Fantasy Self becomes dangerous. I have this idea of who I want to be, of who I "really am" and then I torture myself when I cannot live up to that. My brain throws every instance where I was not the person I wanted to be in my face, played over and over again with no stop button. I berate myself for not having done better, not having been a better person. When you get lost in shame spirals like that, you can't see clearly. It's hard to make any progress when you can't find your footing because you're too busy obsessing over mistakes. And when you do make progress, you tell yourself that it's not enough, you're not enough yet. And if you're not enough, you're not worthy of being loved. You start to think of yourself as a project, not a complete being.

I'm trying so hard to teach myself that I'm a person, not a partially built house that's unlivable before completion. It's hard to know that so much of me needs to change, feeling like I'm learning an endless string of things that are wrong with me. But it's easier when I learn to assess the individual problems. Seeing that my imagination has led to most of my problems in life, I can start the process of learning to hone it into something that's productive and filled with beauty. 

I would love to hear ideas from my fellow wakeful dreamers on how you deal with the self-destructive aspects of your imagination. 

Perpetuating Hate

As I've scrolled through Facebook over the past couple of days, I have become extremely disheartened by the amount of hate I have seen towards an entire group of people. What I really saw was fear, but hate nonetheless. In the immortal words of Yoda, "Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." 

It truly saddens me seeing the internet, my beautiful internet, used as a platform for hate. Apparently I process things in fiction, because I couldn't get Theoden out of my head. "What can men do against such reckless hate?" I tried to tweet out some love for people who are being affected by bigotry, knowing it wouldn't really do much, but also needing to try to tear down some of the hate with love.

It wasn't long after sending out my string of tweets before I started feeling convicted about taking offense to social media being used as a hate medium. The impact of my words on social media, particularly Twitter, have been on my mind a lot lately. For several years now, I have used Twitter as a way of processing my thoughts. As someone who had previously done all she could to hide every feeling she ever had, I thought this was a good thing. And it was good. For me. It makes me feel better, more level, than suffering in silence. It feels true. It feels like I'm being honest about who I am, showing the world all my flaws and fears and discouragements and hoping they will still like me. Things like, "I always thought I was the only one who thought that way until you tweeted it!" have gone to my head. I always imagined that sharing my thought processes was helpful to people who shared my struggles.

But the truth is, I have used social media as a platform for hate. I have used it to hate myself. I have used it as a way of saying, "Look at all this junk I have in my brain. See why I can't get anyone to love this?" I have subjected people to my deepest thoughts of self-loathing, perpetuating hate. I have processed thoughts in a way that I thought would sound hopeful, but just sound negative to those whose minds don't work the way mine does. 

Words mean a lot me. I pride myself on speaking the truth. Well, the truth is that I don't place a high enough value on how those words are perceived by other people. I am a very reactionary and passionate person, and that leads to words that don't need to be said. That's something I'm working on, but deeply struggling with. 

Negative words have a bigger impact on people than positive. For every ten positive/neutral things I say, I know my negative ones will be the ones remembered, whether I meant them in a negative way or not. 

I honestly don't know how to process emotions. That's what brings you this post and pretty much every other post I've ever written. I thought that I had learned a more productive way to process my emotions, but it turns out I didn't. I don't want my metal illness and my struggles to be the mark I leave on the world. I will not pretend to be okay when I'm not, but today I commit to stop perpetuating self-hate in my life and on my social media. I'm not sure where I'll take my processing of thoughts, but I will figure it out. I hope you and everyone in my life can be patient with me. 

Thank you to everyone who has made me feel less crazy and less alone through the years. It truly means the world to me and has gotten me through some very difficult times. I'm sorry I abused you as my friends and my audience. Thank you to everyone who has shown me love and patience. You're truly gems.

Walking Contradiction

I live somewhere between reckless optimism and hopeless pessimism.
Somewhere between dreamer and realist.
Somewhere between empathy and apathy.
Somewhere between self-indulgent and self-loathing.
Somewhere between endlessly introverted and deeply lonely.
Somewhere between spotaneous adventurer and anxious planner.
Somewhere between lover of flaws and perfectionist.
Somewhere between loving deeply and building thick walls.
Somewhere between forever determined and easily discouraged.
Somewhere between tough and hypersensitive.
Somewhere between addicted to truth and avoiding reality.
Somewhere between feeling everything and feeling nothing.
Somewhere between hurting and healing.
Somewhere between joy and fear.
Somewhere between crazy and human.
I am a walking contradiction, a stranger even to myself, looking for a path to balance.

Losing Faith

A lot of people in my life don't really get why the past year or so has been so difficult for me. There are a lot of reasons, but I wanted to address my faith, or lack thereof. I have touched on this before, but I wanted to talk about why leaving Christianity behind me has been such a heavy task.

I became a Christian when I was four years old. I am 26 now. I dedicated two decades of my life to Christ. I have been a regular member of only two churches in that time, for that whole time, and the first church merged into the second church. I went to (and led) bible studies, I went to youth group, but most importantly, I believed in God with all my heart and my life was dedicated to Jesus Christ. (No, I don't think I was capable of that when I was 4, so I'm not really sure how long that's applicable.) This is not coming to you from the perspective of a casual, occasional church-goer or something like that.

I had been struggling with faith for awhile, I suppose due to a very traumatic ordeal with a person who called himself a Christian. About a year ago, I sat in church and I just could not make it through worship. Crying (and hiding it) during worship was something I had been doing every Sunday for about a year, but this time was different: I couldn't stop crying. I felt judged, and I felt like I did not belong there. I was overcome with the need to run away. And so I did. I just left. After that, I started to feel like my prayers were not only unanswered, but unheard. I started to feel silly for ever thinking my prayers had been heard, for even saying them in the first place. I had felt abandoned before, but after I guess I just felt like there was nothing. 

And now I just feel lost. I want to name and identify my struggles for myself, for anyone who may be going through this, and for people who have no idea what this is like to go through this but have been wondering what the heck is wrong with me.

My main struggles have been:

• Identity. Christianity is an identity. You're created by God and for God. Without God, what am I? Who am I?
• Hope. Hope is such an important notion for humans, especially for those of us prone to depression. If you have a strong faith in God, all your hope is placed in God. Where do I derive hope from now?
• Church. My church was a home to me. There was a time in my life where I went to church, youth group, and bible study once every week, and all my close friends were people I knew from church. Church is my family. And now I feel like I've sort of betrayed them, and will be leaving a lot of them behind. 
• Morals. I guess I don't believe in sin anymore, there is only right and wrong. So what does that mean? How do I figure out what's right?
• Labels. In some ways, I think I will always feel like a Christian. So much of my life was dedicated to it, and still, so many people I love are dedicated to it. I guess I'm not a Christian anymore, so am I an atheist? 
• Death. I was never afraid of death before, at least not for myself. I knew that I was going to heaven under no uncertain terms. I no longer believe in heaven, so death is just an unknown void, and that is scary as hell.
• The Unknown. Generally, I don't know what I believe about much of anything anymore, like creation for example. 

I struggle with at least one of these things every single day. Everything about me, the foundation of who I am, has shifted and there have been so many other changes in my life, it feels like I'm being physically attacked by change and I can't find one constant. It feels like this is going to be quite the process. My heart goes out to anyone who has changed their belief system.

Friend Survey

Awhile ago, I realized that there is a lot I don't know about my friends, particularly my internet friends, so I put together a survey to send to everyone who gave me their address. You probably know that if you are reading this. Here are my answers.

Name: Chelsea Anne Clark

Birthdate: May 18, 1989

Occupation: babysitter

How long have you been doing this? 

As my main source of income, since February

Is this the best job you’ve had? If not, what was?

Yes. I was never happy in retail. taking care of kiddos gives me a sense of purpose and I actually feel like I'm helping people. It can be very frustrating dealing with toddlers, but mostly it's wonderful.

What is the worst job you’ve had?

Key Holder at Cotton On. My manager had been so wonderful to me as an associate, and then she totally changed on me when I was a key holder. I had to close 6 days a week most of the time, almost always by myself. I worked off the clock all the time, and still I couldn't get everything done they thought one person could do.

What’s your dream job?

To travel the world and write about my experiences in a way that says more than "Look how cool my life is!" but is meaningful for people from all walks of life. I also want to write some novels.

Describe what a typical Tuesday looks like for you:

I get up later than I probably should, and get ready. If I am lucky, I have to drink so tea and catch up on some Cereal Time. Then I head to Little Baby Buddy's house for 4-6 hours. I read him lots of books, sing some songs, take him on walks, and go into the backyard to go to the sandbox, which he usually abandons in pursuit of the rocky area of the yard where he enjoys running in circles around the table as I chase after him to make sure he doesn't step in dog poo. After that, I head home and eat dinner, watch some TV, probably some baseball, maybe some Netflix. I'm not actually sure where most of my evenings go.

Describe what a perfect day off would look like for you:

Wake up around 6, put on a striking Disneybound, and then head to Space Mountain and gallivant around Disneyland for 16 hours with awesome people.

More realistically, I'd wake up at 10, have brunch and tons of tea with great gals. Catan would be played for many hours, until we get distracted because we love talking to each other to much to be bothered to do anything else.

What are your top 5 favourite music albums?

I hate myself for this question and I can't actually choose so I'm cheating on my own question

Forget and Not Slow Down by Relient K

Talking Is Hard by Walk the Moon

Kaleidoscope Heart by Sara Bareilles

Barton Hollow by The Civil Wars

My Head Is An Animal by Of Monster and Men

Everybody by Ingrid Michaelson

Who’s the best band you’ve discovered recently?

The Hunts

Describe where you currently are, including anything you’re doing besides this:

I'm sitting on my bed, which is where I spend most of my life. It is very messy. The rest of my room is also messy. I'm very apathetic about it. I have a Netflix tab open, as well as the Adagio site. I'm drinking some cucumber water. I'm listening to my favorite albums on Spotify.

What are your top ten favourite movies?

Lord of the Rings (Rotk, Fellowship, Two Towers)

Original Star Wars trilogy (RotJ, ESB, New Hope)

Avengers (honestly, this kind of includes both plus the Cap movies)

Pride and Prejudice 2005

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

Ten Things I Hate About You

The Little Mermaid

Inside Out

Hairspray

Singin' In the Rain

What was the last movie you saw in the theatre and what did you think of it?

Inside Out, which I was seeing by myself for the second time, and to which I Disneybounded as Joy. I've been screaming my good opinion of this move since the first day it came out.

What do you think is the most overrated movie?

Love, Actually

What are some TV shows that you love?

Parks and Rec, The Office, 30 Rock, Community, Agent Carter, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Gilmore Girls, Boy Meets World, Pushing Daisies, LOST, Daredevil, Doctor Who before the last couple seasons, Call the Midwife, Merlin, I.T. Crowd, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Parenthood, Arrested Development, Firefly, Buffy, Scrubs, Sherlock

If you could pick one show to have been on the air longer, what would it be?

Pushing Daisies

What are your favourite books?

Harry Potter series (Deathly Hallows is my fave), Paper Towns, The Fault in Our Stars, Pride and Prejudice, The Shades of London series, 13 Little Blue Envelopes, Holes, Scott Pilgrim, The Leviathan trilogy, The Hunger Games trilogy, Miss Peregrine's Peculiar Series, Anna and the French Kiss, Stardust

What’s a book that you think not enough people have read?

The Sky Is Everywhere by Jandy Nelson is such a beautiful look at grief 

Who are your top 5 fictional characters?

Here's another one I super hate myself for asking and will cheat on.

Leslie Knope
Steve Rogers

Rory Williams

Topanga Lawrence

Ned the Piemaker

Ronald Bilius Weasley

What do you spend too much money on?

Makeup and tea

What’s your favourite colour?

blue

What’s your favourite hot beverage?

tea duh

What’s your favourite cold beverage?

raspberry lemonade

What’s your favourite alcoholic beverage?

my drink is a Long Island Iced Tea, but wine is what I consume the most, and Woodchuck Fall cider is freaking amazing

What’s your favourite breakfast?

biscuits and gravy with a side of bacon and hashbrowns

What are the top places you want to go/trips you want to take?

All 50 states (so far I've been to 13)

Every Disney park

Middle Earth

All over Europe, esp The Uk, Ireland, Holland, Norway, Iceland, Italy, Greece, France, Germany

What accessory do you wear the most?

My TSWGO and Hectic Glow bracelets even take showers with me. They'll probably come off in winter, though, as I don't like wearing them with long sleeves.

Do you like sports? Which ones? What are your teams?

Baseball: The Giants

I like playing tennis but don't watch it.

Do you enjoy board games/card games? Which ones?

Settlers of Catan, Ticket to Ride, Apples to Apples, Bananagrams, The Game of Things

What’s one thing that you love about yourself?

I love that I'm always up for trying new things.

Describe a pet peeve of yours:

When people don't use their turn signal

Are you a hobbit, dwarf, elf, wizard, human, or orc?

I would like to think I'm an elf, but I'm a hobbit.

What’s your Hogwarts house?

HUFFLEPUFF

Will I get to see you at VidCon?

Since I guess this would be for next year now, no.

Thank you so much to the people who participated! (Or may yet participate.) Sorry it was so difficult at times.

Get It Together September

I've had a lot of barriers to being productive lately. I feel like I'm finally starting to leave the heavy fog of depression behind me and gaining some new perspective and breaking through the person I don't want to be, but these last five or six days have been filled with heavy anxiety (the kind that makes me feel like my body is a brick and my heart might literally beat out of my chest and it feels like I'm dying), a sinus infection, and the kind of exhaustion where my head is just fog. It's really discouraging to just barely start to feel like I can breathe a bit and then have my body and mind attack me again. I don't really know how to fix this, but I know I need to try to get through and not let my anxiety steal my life from me. It's very hard to find the balance between not letting my anxiety/depression rule me and knowing some days it will get the better of me and that's not cause to beat myself up. 

Last year, I started the tag "#GetItTogetherSeptember" which was basically me trying to make myself do the things I had continually been putting on the back burner and getting my shit together. I believe I was pretty unsuccessful. Even so, I'm doing it again this year. Hopefully a blog of my goals will help me to get them accomplished. I've said this before, but I think there's a lot of power in sharing your goals with others. 

September Goals:

• Go to the doctor
• Get all my crowdfund perks done and sent out
• Make at least three YouTube videos
• Do a Fangorn Fables blog
• Walk (or hike) for at least half an hour four times per week
• Go on at least one adventure
• Make a budget for the month and stick to it
• Do at least one social thing per week 
• Apply to at least two jobs per week
• Write in my journal every day
• Read at least one chapter of a book every day
• Finish at least five books
• Clean/organize my room
• Draw one thing every day
• Answer my friend surveys

I would love to hear some goals that you guys have this month, and it would be my favorite if you use my hashtag. Here's to a good September and being our best selves every day!

Loving Yourself

Scrolling through Tumblr just now, I found this text post: 

"It’s gross as fuck to tell people that no one will love them until they love themselves. Loving yourself is hard. Listen: you are loved, you are worthy of love and respect, and you can be loved even on the days when you see nothing in yourself to love."

I think there's so much truth in this idea. Loving yourself can be incredibly difficult, and everyone deserves to be loved and respected, even if they don't necessarily love themselves. It's important to know that those who truly love us, love us on even on our worst days when we're not too keen on ourselves. I think there is more to be said, though.

What I have learned over the past year or so is that the good old saying, "You can't love until you love yourself" does have a lot of truth in it. 

I have a lot of love inside of me bursting to get out, but I never allow it to be used on myself. Self-love is not something I've ever been good at. The thing about it is that it WILL seep into your relationships. I think the ways I have hurt people I love most is by not loving myself. That's a really difficult thing to deal with because it's something I should be able to prevent, and I hope one day I will be able to look deep enough (or maybe the opposite) to do that. I'm a very introspective person, though, and it's hard not to find tons of faults within myself, and right now I haven't learned to stop the introspection and negative thoughts about myself. It's difficult for me to believe that people truly care about me, so yes, in that way it is very hard to love and be loved. If I can't accept love, it's hard to say that I'm truly giving it, and it becomes a vicious cycle when I hate myself more for hurting people with my lack of self-esteem. Love is certainly made more difficult by self-loathing.

Lack of love for yourself also makes it easier for you to be taken advantage of. I put myself in a bad situation because it felt nice to be told I was pretty for a change; that I mattered and was special. I realise now that that situation started when that person became closer to me after a night where I talked about how badly I felt about myself. There are people in this world who will seek out people who don't think highly of themselves, and they will work that from every angle until there's nothing left. Because you don't love yourself, it will feel like you deserve maltreatment and it can disguise itself as love. Perhaps this can happen to anyone, but I think it's more difficult to let yourself be constantly treated like dirt if you don't feel like dirt. 

I guess what I'm saying is that life is more complicated than either of those viewpoints and they each have their place. Self-love is incredibly important. I haven't figured out how to do it, but I know that it's important that I learn it. But I also know there there are people who love me through my self-loathing, even when they don't know how. Those people are rare, but they're there. Whether a romantic love can exist through that, I couldn't tell you, but there is love that hopefully one day leads to self-love. 

Listening to: Shields by Grizzly Bear

A Year of Chelseas

"I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me."

A year ago today, I arrived back at the house where I grew up after spending eight months in Florida living with a friend. I had gone because I thought it would be an adventure, because I wanted independence and that was the opportunity that had knocked. I thought I would somehow be able to get a better job, something that wasn't in retail. I pictured myself at Disney World once a month, if not more. 

In reality, Florida did not offer me any of the things I thought I would get. The only "friend" I ever really spent time with was the most toxic influence of my life, which I wouldn't talk about with my roommate for fear she might not like him, so that created distance with her. I ended up in major credit card debt. I couldn't afford those trips to Disney, and I was too depressed to go during Christmas, which was the main thing I had been looking forward to. My desperate attempt to find a job led me to Old Navy, which was underpaid, and eventually, a really awful place to work. I didn't even spend time at the gorgeous beach because it just didn't appeal to me to go alone, except when I'd go in the middle of the night. 

So I ended up back in the place I said I'd never live again: My parents house. I've talked about all this before, I know. Just recapping so I can talk about the past year that I've been home.

I came home a different person than who left. I don't know what it was, but I was a little bit less anxious around people and wasn't that awkward. I guess I was just so grateful to be around people, especially ones who actually respected me. I felt like a failure, and that my family was tip-toeing around me, not sure how to treat the new person whom they didn't really know. But beyond that, I was kind of beyond any major depression.

I got a crappy job at Cotton On, but I didn't really mind too much, since they had promised me I would be promoted as soon as a position opened, which was to be almost immediately. Then VidCon happened. I don't really need to remind anyone what happened there. There was one particular thing I had been running from within that awful, toxic sludge which I could no longer get away from. Until VidCon, I hadn't told anyone about it. I finally accepted what had really happened on a night the previous October, and I didn't know how to deal with it. I still don't know how to deal with it, but I don't really run from it anymore. Once again, a different person emerged from this.

That crappy job turned into an unbearable one. My first promotion took two months. Then I was promised another, which I found out was basically a ploy to keep me around after my boss had poorly treated my best friend who had come to work there. For the first time, I had been really bad at my job. I was crying all the time and constantly stressed about it until I quit. A lot of people told me that we just need to get over it and do jobs we hate. That was hard to hear. Maybe they were right. But I'm a bit too idealistic to accept that I should be working at a job that makes me cry 3 times a week. I felt so worthless and any confidence I had gained previously was completely shaken. Yet again, here was a different Chelsea.

Somewhere in the middle of all this, I went from a person who was absolutely sure of her faith, to one who has no idea what anything is. Not knowing if what you've believed for over two decades is true will change anyone. 

Now, I'm doing the best job I've ever done. It certainly has is frustrations, but I feel so lucky that people pay me to hang out with their children. Whenever I get those "Nobody needs me" kinds of feelings, I can fend them off quickly, because just a couple weeks ago, I was told by the main mom I work for that I was "Making a big difference in their lives". That's not something I can say for any other job I've held, and it's really all I've ever wanted, or what I'm sure most people want. I might be another person. 

Having been at least 5 different versions of myself over the past year, things can be hard. It's hard to hear that people don't really know who I am anymore. It's hard to feel the distance it's created in my relationships. It's hard because I don't feel like I can trust anyone anymore. It's hard because little things make me feel like I'm being taken advantage of. It's hard because I know people expect me to be a certain way and that makes it easy to regress into that. It's hard to feel like everyone looks at me and only sees my lows. It's hard to feel like I'm grasping at things but have nothing to cling to. It's hard to look for jobs everyday because I need more hours. It's hard to live with people I can't be myself around and constantly try to avoid. It's hard to know I probably can't ever live on my own in this area. It's just been a really hard year. Couple of years, really.

Ultimately, however, I think I'm happier than that girl who left for Florida to seek her independence, the girl who thought a city 3000 miles away held her happiness. I have a long, long way to go to be the person I want to be, and live the kind of life I want to live, but I think I'm closer, which is something.

Listening to: "The Sunset Tree" by The Mountain Goats

Guilty Pleasures

One of my possible prompts for today was "What is your guilty pleasure?" Spoiler alert: This blog is not going to contain a guilty pleasure of mine, because I don't have any.

I really, really hate the notion of guilty pleasures and from time to time I like to talk about why it's a dumb notion. Pleasure is defined as "A feeling of happy satisfaction and enjoyment." It's 100% a positive word. Pleasures are just things that make us happy or give us some form of enjoyment.

Personally, I'm not going to let anyone make me feel guilty for something I enjoy. Call me a basic white girl as much as you want, I will enjoy whatever I want. Look, I've brought myself to talking about another notion which I abhor: that humans can be "basic". No. Every single person you meet is vastly complicated, and yeah, some might wear Uggs and leggings (I honestly don't know much about the qualifications for debasement of this kind), but that does not define their existence. 

Where do these notions come from? That we're not supposed to like things that aren't aimed to our demographic, or in the case of being "basic", apparently we're not supposed to like too many things aimed at our demographic? Or to feel like our intelligence is in question because we like a certain thing? These things are so nonsensical. Sure, there are things that are not intelligently written or that are mostly aimed at old ladies, but if you find pleasure in those things, good for you. A lot of things about the world can be not great, so if you find happiness in something, no matter how small or trivial, you shouldn't have to hide it. There should not be guilt associated with things that make us happy, unless you are somehow causing harm to others. If you're hurting other people or enjoying the pain of others, yes, stop enjoying that pleasure ASAP. 

I admit. I make fun of Twilight, Nickelback, The Big Bang Theory, and some other things, but I wouldn't think less of anyone for enjoying these things (though I do have legitimate concerns about messages contained within these things). I'm trying not to make fun of people for differences of taste, because I know I have a tendency to get quite passionate in my opinions, but I truly do think that no one should have to feel guilty for liking what they like. I'm sorry if I've ever done that to people. 

Unabashedly loving is the best thing we do as humans. We shouldn't let other people put limits on what we get to love. We are defined by how we love, not what we love.

Listening to: "When It Was Now" by Atlas Genius

Haikus

Tonight I went to an event at the California Academy of Sciences. I asked what I should write about today, and Chloe said she wants my night in a series of haikus. I don't think I've written a haiku outside of Cards Against Humanity since fifth grade, so we'll see how these how. 

Space Beer

Space beer, oh space beer,

You are the reason I'm here.

You are delicious.

Space Crafts

Table of space crafts,

You are probably quite fun,

But I fear judgement.

Planetarium

I want to look at stars.

Host, you are rad and funny.

Shut up, drunk guy

Cute Guy

Eye contact! Excitement!

You are cute but walking past.

Come back for digits. 

Aquarium

Hello, fish and eels!

You are quite cool and scary.

I feel you, Mr. Eel.

Dancing

What is this music?

I'm doing the Running Man!

DJ, play real songs.

I hope this nonsensical blog was at least a bit fun to read. It was pretty fun to write.

Anxiety

Being super tired (I fell asleep in my jeans this other night) and uninspired has led to me failing BEDA. So I guess I'm doing BSDA (Blog Some Days in April). Of course I would do that right after I talk about why it's important for me to do BEDA. I'm trying not to dwell in my failure and continue doing lots of writing. It's not easy when you feel like there's a bowling ball in your head, but on I press, for today at least. 

I had a conversation with someone who is just recently getting to know me about my anxiety today, so naturally I want to talk about anxiety. I want to preface this by saying that anxiety effects people in different ways, so this may not be the experience of others, but perhaps provide a small look into what it's like for some people, me at least. 

My anxiety levels have been pretty extreme over the last 6-8 months. I get heart palpitations about once or twice a day that last for a couple of hours. They probably last longer and I just get used to them, actually, because I just realised I'm having mild palpitations right now. The thing is, there's no particular trigger right now. It could be that I'm stressed overall about adulthood and not being where I want to be in my life or as a person. Perhaps it's because I just applied for a job. I don't know, and that's a definite frustration for me, feeling really palpably anxious without really knowing why.

The main way I would say that I'm anxious is socially, any time I am interacting with other people. Maybe that's why I feel anxious right now, because posting things on the internet means other people have access to my thoughts. Posting this really personal stuff is not easy for me, but it's easier for me to push through that here on this screen because I don't have to see other people's reactions, though that's actually what eventually stopped me from continuing YouTube. When I get like that over the internet, my anxiety is mostly just heart palpitations and thinking about the same things over and over again. When I get anxious in physical social situations, I just kind of seize up. I get really flushed and feel like my insides are sweating, and coherent thoughts don't really happen, like my mind only has room for anxiety, not actual thoughts. I end up lying about things, completely on accident, about solid facts I definitely know. Questions really get to me, and sometimes they can just be "How are you?" Definitely any questions about my family make me anxious, or anything that feels remotely personal. I say all the time that "Tell me about yourself" is the easiest way to make my mind completely blank.

So back to my conversation today. I was talking to the mom I nanny for. On Saturday, I had mentioned that school had been really hard for me because of anxiety (which I'm honestly proud of myself for even being able to say, though sometimes it's easier for me to talk in a car where I don't have to look directly in someone's eyes). Today, I mentioned that I will be going into San Francisco tomorrow (an infamously anxiety-inducing drive). She asked me who was  going to be driving and I said I was. She said she was really surprised since I had said I have some problems with anxiety. I said that the driving doesn't really bother me too much, that it's mainly social anxiety. She was really surprised to hear that, that she had thought I was really brave for coming to their house to meet them without knowing much of anything about them and she hadn't ever seen the anxiety in me at all. I was so amazed to hear that. That day was one of the most anxious days I've had thus far in 2015. I know that I often make a bad first impression on people, and the pressure of trying to sound like someone these people could trust their child with was a lot to handle, especially because I wanted that job so much in addition to really needing it. I also feel like I get blushy with her because she places a very high value on family, so she asks me about mine a lot. I also tend to get blushy with new people who ask me about anything I feel really strongly about, but don't want to let them know how much I care. To hear that someone I have definitely had those mind-blocking anxiety experiences around hadn't noticed my anxiety, is wonderful. To hear her call me brave is a miracle. I tend not to believe people when they call me brave, because other people tell me I need to stop letting anxiety control me, but it felt so good to hear from a blunt and genuine person. She then related my anxiety to her friend who gets so anxious that he has to leave crowds. Crowds actually very rarely bother me, it's that personal contact that's difficult. Everybody is different.

One of the hardest things to deal with is that I feel like I'm often short with people when my brain stops working. I know sometimes I make people uncomfortable or make them feel like I don't want to talk to them, or maybe they think I don't like them. I hate that, because that's so rarely the case. The last time I had a really bad anxious time at a gathering, I posted something on Facebook about how bad my social anxiety is because I was so uncomfortable with the way I left that situation. Hopefully the main person I had an awkward interaction with saw that, but I've had lots of awkward interactions with her, so she's probably just used to it. It's kind of hard to know that everyone just accepts me as an awkard person, but I guess that's who I am and I have to learn to be okay with that and be confident in who I am, though that's the very thing my anxiety works against.

I just thought I'd talk about this because, you know, I'm that person who likes to write about the topics no one likes to talk about, and I know that social anxiety can be really difficult for some people to comprehend, so perhaps this will help someone somewhere understand a smidgen better.

Hope you all had a lovely day!

Listening to: "Talking Is Hard" by Walk the Moon (No, I did not realise how appropriate that album title is.)

Thoughts of a Dormant Writer

I really need to be in bed but I also need to write this blog, but I have no idea what to write about, so I'm just going to talk about what I've been thinking about.

We're already at day 5 of BEDA, but I haven't really talked about why I'm here, mildly torturing myself to write every day for a month. I guess it's kind of just because writing is a thing that makes me feel...right. I feel good while I'm writing and after I write. I love the feel of the keyboard beneath my fingers, watching the words fill up the page. I love getting thoughts out of my mind and into this digital pensieve. It gives me a sense of accomplishment to put something out into the world that wasn't there before, even if it's not particularly earth-shattering. I hadn't been doing it lately, though. BEDA is really the best way to force myself into it. There's a novel running around in my head, but I know that as soon as I start writing it, I'm going to be terrible to be around. It's going to be about pretty unpleasant subject matter and I get so immersed in my writing that I just know my mind will be immersed in a toxic wasteland. So BEDA's here to force me to be disciplined to write a vast array of things with my dormant writing muscles in the meantime. I always hope this type of thing will turn me into an actually good writer who is consistent in what she does, but I think my hopes are a bit more realistic this time in that I just hope to finish.

I frequently think about never blogging again because I'm all over the place with it and have such a low response rate to it, but maybe it's okay that it's more for me than for anyone else (God knows I spend zero time trying to make it look remotely spiffy like other blogs). Blogging is kind of the most vain thing I do, apart from maybe posting a Chelfie almost every day this year. It can feel so conceited to be like, "These are my thoughts! Take precious time out of your day to listen to them! Please feed my poor ego!" That vanity can be difficult for a Hufflepuff like me.

I was thinking today about why it's important to express ourselves, particularly the bad things. A lot of it is because when we hide things, they have more power over us, but I think it's also really important to realise that a lot of the things we share with others may be things those people have wished they were able to find the words to share with us. Being a person is horrifying, but it's so much better when we know we're not alone in the way we think. I've said these things several times before, but I just feel really strongly that there's something to be said about vocalising pain rather than finding shame in it as we're so often taught to do. Obviously we shouldn't be constantly whining, but attempting to articulate the shadows of our minds can be a beautifully freeing experience.


Hope you all had a happy Easter if you celebrate such things!



Listening to: "Kintsugi" by Death Cab for Cutie

10 Facts About Me

I guess I'm writing ten "interesting" facts about me. It's really hard to think of things I haven't already said somewhere on this blog (and I'm nit promising some of these haven't been said on here, Twitter, or Tumblr), and it's hard to think of things that are unique to me, cause I'm me.

1. I hate talking about myself in person, which may be weird for someone who writes so many personal things on the internet. The number one way to make my mind go completely blank is to say, "Tell me about yourself." I'll probably blush and say I'm not very interesting.

2. People know me as the Disneyland-obsessed girl, but other than when I was 4 and only retained vague memories of it, my first trip to the Happiest Place on Earth was at age 19. At the time, I was frustrated with a friend for having been too many times to remember, but now I'm not 100% sure I can give you an accurate number of the times I've been. I'm not even sure how many annual passes I've had...I think 4.

3. I talk to myself in a British accent during extended periods of alone time.

4. It's been a year and I still haven't gotten my room in order after moving back home. It's overwhelming.

5. I honestly have no idea if I'm a really lazy person or if depression or another issue causes my lack of energy.

6. I've never been on a date, let alone been in a serious relationship. Apparently this causes people to think I'm gay but I'm not dating girls, so that's illogical. I've also been asked if this is due to religion, but that doesn't really make sense either. Religious people can date. We're not freaks. The reason is super simple: I've never wanted to date someone who wanted to date me.

7. I frequently imagine that if I wish hard enough, I can actually go back in time. I often wake up with an immediate need to check the date, even though my location would be different if I went back. So I guess I'm higher on the insanity scale than I'd like to be.

8. I think sushi is an elaborate scheme, that everyone just pretends it's the most amazing thing but actually hates it.

9. My biggest fear is that I will never learn to be a successful, independent adult.

10. When I was a child, I jimmyed my way out of my car seat on the 405.

Parks and Rec Characters

I was asked to write about what enjoy about each Parks and Rec character, which ties into my request about writing about a book/movie/tv show that has changed me, cause Parks definitely changed me.

Leslie- I love that she is positive through everything. She has dumb people in her town yelling at her over the most ridiculous things, and yet she just hears it as "people caring loudly at her." She's such a hard worker and so compassionate and everything I hope to be someday.

Ann- I love Ann for her relationship with Leslie, cause platonic love, yo, and because of her relationship with Chris. I love that they used her as a way to say that love for yourself is what makes romantic relationships work, and that things can go really poorly if you get lost in other people.

Ben- I love Ben because he's everything I want in a man, except a little more pretentious. He shares a lot of my interests and is a dreamboat.  A lot of shows have such ridiculous ways of showing "nerd" stereotypes, but Parks made Ben the most glorious nerd who actually feels like he could be a real person who makes bad accounting puns.

Tom- I love him because he goes for his dreams even after failing other times. He's just so enthusiastic about chasing the things he wants, even if they're ridiculous to other people.

Ron- When looked at briefly, Ron seems like a hillbilly macho man. But Parks doesn't let people be one-dimensional like that. Ron can be caring, musical, and magical. He's a great friend to Leslie, a mentor to April and Tom, and becomes a great husband and father.

April- She's another great example of people who could appear one-dimensional to a casual acquaintance. She doesn't really like a lot of things and people, but she'll do absolutely anything for those she does.

Andy- He starts out as this really quite douchey guy but becomes this sort of cuddly teddy bear who makes you laugh every time he's on screen.

Donna- She is a beast. She's such a strong female, and so different from anyone I can think of who is on television. She's willful and independent, but she has a big heart.

Jerry- Jerry takes literally anything you dish out at him. Even the amazing and positive Leslie Knope is mean to Jerry, but he NEVER cares. He just continues on with his life, and goes home to his wonderful wife and daughters. He's actually kind of amazing.

Chris- Is obviously the epitome of what it is to be a positive person. He encourages everyone around him, even when they don't necessarily want it. 

I'm sure I have a million other things to say but that is it for now.

Listening to: Talking Is Hard by Walk the Moon

VidCon 2015

I didn't talk about this yesterday, but I'm doing BEDA (Blog EveryDay in April). I failed at Blogaust last year pretty hardcore, and I'm already feeling discouraged and junk, but writing is important to me and yet I never make myself do it. I thought about doing some sort of writing challenge, but most of them aren't that interesting. I have, however, pinned a few, so I'm going to use them when I need ideas and pick from the lists for the corresponding day. When I tried to go to Pinterest to see my board, I typed "VidCon" into my URL bar, so it was pretty clear that "Something you look forward to in the next 12 months" was what I needed to be writing about.

A lot of you probably know that I did a crowdfund to try to get to VidCon due to my financial situation. That's actually mostly what I want to talk about today, as I sort of intended to in the past but didn't. 

2014 was a year of terrible jobs for me. They both started out as pretty okay environments and then became awful and toxic really quickly. They were also both quite underpaid. I was making $8.50-$10.80 per hour in positions where the amount of hours I was given were very inconsistent, and never full time. This was during a time where I tried to live on my own and then moved across the country. I've also spent 9 months since August 2013 being unemployed. A lot of this is my fault for not being persistent in finding jobs/better jobs, and for letting my anxiety and depression get the better of me, but nonetheless, it's led to a pretty terrible financial situation. 

About a month ago, my friends all started planning for VidCon. At the time, I had a once a week babysitting gig, and that was my only source of income. That coupled with my debt made it impossible for me to imagine myself going to VidCon. My best friend, Ashleigh, told me she wanted to help me out, but thinking about paying for any of it was just overwhelming. Another friend also offered to help, but there was no way I was going to let them pay for so much and I was still stressing out. Ashleigh sent me a text saying that she didn't want to pressure me if I didn't want to go, but lots of people wanted to help me. I responded by saying that two people was not a lot and that I couldn't pay for any of it. 

I like to make jokes about crowdfunding. It's kind of a strange thing our culture has come up with and it feels a little wrong to use it for personal things like vacations. VidCon is more than a vacation for me. Despite a couple of bad experiences in the past, it's something I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. It's a few days of being surrounded by a bunch of nerds who I can be myself around, and I get to see (although usually all too briefly) my friends who I normally only get to see on Twitter and Instagram. VidCon was the best part of my 2014, which you might be shocked to know if you read my blog back in July. So, when the thought of crowdfunding came into my head, I decided to go for it and suffer any embarrassment it might cause me. I figured a few people might give me $5-$10 and at least I would be a little closer to my goal. I certainly never imagined to make my goal, which was originally just for my registration. In the end, I made MORE than my goal, which means gas and some food are also paid for. I'm honestly still in shock.

Asking for help can be a profound experience. Being proven wrong can be a magical gift. I had the pleasure of experiencing both. I upped my goal a little bit when Ashleigh donated, because the point was not to make her pay for my registration and hotel, then I upped it again when I decided it would probably be possible to get enough for my hotel and my registration. I made my $400 goal in a day. I cannot tell you what an amazing experience that was for me (but I will start by saying that I am currently crying upon recalling it). People were so much more generous that I would have ever dared to dream. One of the most unexpected and touching things for me was to receive contributions from people who couldn't make it to VidCon themselves but wanted to, and people who don't really care about VidCon. 

I've obviously already individually thanked everyone who is making it possible for me to go to VidCon, but I wanted this blog to be sort of an extended thank you so that you truly know how much it means that you've done this. I'm failing to articulate myself. Words are hard and my brain is mush. Anyway, thank you for proving me wrong. Thank you for teaching me that asking for help is okay and can lead to an unexpected outpouring of love. Thank you for showing me that you want me to be happy and just have a time to be myself with my friends. Thank you for parting with your hard-earned money. Thank you for making it so VidCon will not be another chunk of my debt. Thank you for being that little voice in the back of my head when I want to spend money I don't have. Every single one of you have been a support to me in a lot of way apart from this and I just thank you so much for that constant friendship.

All that is to say, I'm more excited than ever to go to VidCon. It's going to be the best time among some of the best people in existence. 

Fulfillment in Adulthood

Just before I left the house where I nanny, the mom said, "It's hard to be an adult sometimes." I responded, "I sure haven't figured it out." She told me that it was okay, that I am young, and sometimes we just never figure it out. She went on to tell me that she and her husband (who are in their mid forties) have never found fulfillment in their jobs, that they find fulfillment in their family.

Without a doubt, this was meant as an encouragement, but I found myself fighting tears my whole drive home. For me, I need to find a career because I want to escape my family, specifically the situation in which I live with them. It's hard for me to say things like that in public places, I have a better family than a lot of people, but they have taught me a lot of lessons I need to unlearn and have not always been entirely supportive. As with all families, my relationship with them is complicated, and it's certainly not a way I would ever say I find fulfillment and I don't see that changing any time soon.

It could be that she meant something more along the lines of a family I would start someday. Well, for me, that's no more encouraging. I don't plan to have kids, and as I've been more or less single for 26 years, I don't really see myself getting married. I very much doubt there will be a period of my life where family is fulfilling.

So I started thinking about what fulfills me in my life. It used to be that I found this in my religion, but over the past year or so, I've become unsure of that. That has definitely been difficult, not really believing the thing that I clung to when I had nothing else was real. And now I'm approaching the point where I've lived back at home for a year. I'm certainly a different person than the girl who came home, who was a far cry from the one who left, but my financial troubles are nowhere near as close to being fixed as I had hoped, and I have nothing that I'm striving towards. I don't really have that thing that I'm good at, and my anxiety has been so powerful. I live in a house where my best friend is uncomfortable after 30 seconds and I'm nowhere near being able to leave it and I can't find the pieces I need to put together to get me going on a path to independence. I love kids and nannying has been such a welcome change and so much more fulfilling than selling shirts made in Asian factories, but it's not something I can make work physically or financially for the long run.

The only thing I can think of that brings me any fulfillment in my life is my friends. And frankly, that scares me. The thing about getting older is that everyone gets busier, and you find yourself losing touch with people and slowly having just a few friends. I'd say I have about half a dozen friends who I actually see in real like, and at least half of those have plans to move away at some point. Heck, I might have plans to move at some point, because I live in a ridiculously expensive area.

I'm really physically and emotionally tired and crying and I already took my contacts out, so I hope this is at least somewhat cohesive. My question for you is: Where do you find fulfillment?

Listening to: "If You Leave" by Daughter