About a month ago, someone asked me a question that changed my life: "What do you do with all your free time?" That probably doesn't sound life-changing, but the answer woke me up. Nothing. I had been doing very little in my free time since moving to Florida. I never used to get bored but I was now bored all the time. Some days I would just sleep, be awake for 2 or 3 hours the whole day, because I was so depressed and lonely that I couldn't get out of bed. Some days I would just sit and get lost in my thoughts for hours. A lot of days I watched Lord of the Rings. My life here had been a blur.
So I decided to change this. I wasted months of my life (there are some good memories in there, but I certainly wasted A LOT of my time) and I made a conscious decision to change that. You probably already know this because of the other blog I started. If you know me personally or have read this blog before, you probably also know that I am a pretty independent person. Just want to make sure you have the proper context.
I was scared to do things by myself. No, scared isn't the right word. I tackle lots of things by myself. Maybe unmotivated is a better word. I was unmotivated to go out into the world and try to have fun by myself because I didn't think it was worth doing things if I didn't have someone to share them with. My best friend, Ashleigh, spoiled me rotten. She accompanied me on every silly shenanigan I suggested and we had the best time. I was so blinded by my loneliness and missing her and my other friends and California itself that I didn't think I could have fun alone in Florida.
We're taught at a pretty young age that it's important to be independent thinkers and we are a such a me-centered culture that you would think we would be taught the value of spending time by ourselves. Not just sitting inside and passively watching Netflix (sorry, husband, I'll always love you and the shows you provide me with), but to go out into the world and explore it. People look at you funny, with pity, if you go places alone. "You're at Disney World? Alone? Excuse me?" There are stigmas to being seen doing activities by yourself. Am I the only one who sees the contradiction in our culture here? It's like we're being told to be ourselves as long as we're not by ourselves.
Well, I'm here in Florida where I know hardly anyone which means if I want to go out and do something, I can't count on going with someone. The flip side of that is that I don't have to worry about seeing people I know and facing their judgmental glaces for being seen alone at the movie theatre. I can still feel them from strangers, though. Especially when you're crying in the first five minutes of Frozen on a weekday afternoon. But you know what? I've learned to have a good time on my own. It's completely different from getting together with a close friend and laughing until you can't breathe, but it's a sort of skill I think we all need to acquire and it can be incredibly liberating. It actually really scares me that I, an introverted and independent person, am just now learning to do this as I round the corner to the next quarter-century of my life. Which is why I am writing this, and why I'm hoping that people read it. I have felt so much better in these weeks where I am actively doing something. Yes, I still get cripplingly lonely at times, but those times are fewer and farther between. Soaking up some sunshine or doing something with your hands and just giving yourself a chance to enjoy life with nothing other than the person you are is wonderful. Solitude and loneliness don't have to be synonymous. The former can actually be really wonderful.
In church last week my pastor talked about hopeless situations. You know what I realised? I don't feel hopeless. I feel incredibly hopeful. See, getting lost in my head a little bit less has left more room for God to come in there. He's in everything I do, everything I see. In these past few weeks he's been so much more tangible. I'm finding myself looking upward instead of inward. Maybe you're reading this and thinking, "But I don't believe in God." To that I would say that I am simply sharing my experience, not trying to dictate yours. I feel like I can promise you, though, that when you find a way to get out of your head a little and just go DO something, you will feel better.
My challenge to you, wonderful person who has read my entire post, is to do something by yourself this week. Something you would normally only do with someone else. (Trip Advisor and trails.com are my two favourite tools to find new places to go.)
