Fiction-Induced Identity Crises

With Pottermore re-introducing the Sorting Hat, many people are once again having identity crises about what house they belong in. Pottermore put me in Hufflepuff once again, but I wanted to write this for all my people unsure of where they belong.

I wrote about my first Pottermore sorting here and I'm going to try not to repeat everything I said back then.

Recently, this was going around Facebook. I really don't like the idea of being part of two houses, because the point of doing this is to see where you would be if you went to Hogwarts, which would be just one house. However, I'm addicted to personality quizzes and felt it necessary to see what this thought my secondary house would be. I got Gryffinclaw. Whoops. Hello, identity crisis.

I decided to ask other people what they saw me as. About three quarters of them said Hufflepuff, but the rest were pretty evenly split between Gryffindor and Ravenclaw. I have to wonder if that number of people said I was a Hufflepuff because they see those qualities in me or because I have self-identified as a Hufflepuff for four and a half years. 

Until the past year or so, I completely discounted Gryffindor as a place I might get sorted. I genuinely believed I wasn't brave. When asking my friends what they thought, one of them said, "You have the courage of 10 Gryffindors put together." As I pick through my distorted sense of self, I can see that I am actually a pretty courageous person. I've gotten Gryffindor in sorting results many times over the past few years. I try to imagine my 11-year-old self who would have been sorted, and honestly, that girl was pretty fearless. Not to mention, I am definitely a person with an appreciation for adventure. I can definitely see why I'd get sorted into Gryffindor.  

My clouded vision of myself has also made me think I'm not smart enough to be in Ravenclaw. Now, I think I have a pretty decent wit. Ravenclaws have an appreciation for individuality, which is something that I share. Plus, I'm a bit of a punk-ass book jockey. Again, going back to my 11-year-old self, she is easy to imagine as a Ravenclaw. She was that kid who read for pleasure more than many kids and therefore had a more extensive vocabulary than most, and boy did she want everyone to know it. She took pleasure in using words her peers didn't understand and loved to "help" the other kids by blurting out the word they were struggling with as they had to read out loud to the class. 

Knowing all this, how can I know for sure that I am a Hufflepuff? I could easily be a Gryffindor or a Ravenclaw. I think about all of my relationships and wonder if I'm really loyal. I think about how many people would laugh at the idea of me being patient. I think about the people who think I'm lazy and wasting my life. But, again, I have to look beyond my self-image and my projected image to look at my true self. I definitely value loyalty, and because of that, if someone makes me feel I have been betrayed, I am very deeply wounded, often beyond repair. I may be impatiently awaiting "Captain America: Civil War", but I am so patient with the toddlers with whom I spend most of my time. I have depression and anxiety, and that can look like laziness sometimes, but truly I have a good work ethic. Justice is certainly something I value immensely. I take it very, very personally when injustice takes place, especially when I feel people I love have been treated unjustly. When I think of what I most value, it is truth, which isn't always necessarily listed as a Hufflepuff value, but it goes hand-in-hand with justice. I am a little bit addicted to truth. Lying is the single greatest way to offend me. I seek truth in every aspect of my life. I suppose that's why I take this Hogwars crisis extra seriously. Any courage I have is rooted in loyalty and the pursuit of truth and justice. Also, Hufflepuff is the most accepting house, and I get a little fireball of rage in my chest when people are needlessly exclusive. 

We're never going to get a definitive answer as to what house we belong to. I've realized that I could be just fine as a Gryffindor or a Ravenclaw. Perhaps some people look at me and think my best qualities lie within the values of those houses, but my heart is most rooted in the values of Hufflepuff. I may not always feel like I'm good enough to be in Hufflepuff, but hey, Hufflepuff is the most accepting house, so I should probably stop worrying. 

The Distorted Lens of Insecurity

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how our insecurities affect the people around us and the way we view the world. I think most of the ugly traits we possess can be traced back to insecurity, which can lead to an awful cycle of self-loathing. 

When we hate certain things about ourselves, we tend to idealize those traits in other people. If you're uncomfortable with your weight, thin people can become an extreme source of jealousy. Because our insecurities are so deeply ingrained within us, they seep out in ways we don't always intend. When we idealize aspects of others, we tend to inadvertently make them feel guilty for possessing certain qualities which are often genetic. We can find ourselves wondering why they deserve to have what we don't. The flip side of that is that we end up believing we deserve the bad things. The truth is, no one deserves their genes, good or bad. Every single person has a problem that can be traced back to their genetics. No one is the ideal specimen. As much as you feel you cannot achieve perfection, neither can anyone else. Nothing about someone else's beauty detracts from your own beauty. 

Sometimes the opposite of that can happen: We hate certain things about ourselves so we dislike anyone else who reflects those qualities. If you're working on being a less emotionally sensitive person and you spend time with someone who is highly emotional, sometimes all you see is that one quality. People are vastly complex, and just like you are more than your flaws, they are more than their flaws. There's not equation or timeline for being the right kind of person. No one is ahead or behind you in terms of personal development. We're all on entirely different paths, though they may look similar at times. No one else's bad qualities add to your own or are in any way a reflection of you.

I could go on and on about how our insecurities hinder us from being the people we're meant to be, but these are the ways I've really noticed in my own interactions recently. I really want to strive not to do the people around me the disservice of seeing them through the distorted lens of insecurity. As much as we can strive to edify people with our words, I really think the root of the problem is our inner monologues. If we're trying to constantly watch our words around people but have an inner monologue constantly telling us that we're not good enough, that's going to get out eventually. It can seem kind of narcissistic and self-involved to work on self-love, but I would argue that learning how to spend less time hating yourself is the best way to free up your heart for better things. 

Consciously Me

Over the summer, I was at Disneyland with a group of friends whom I love, but don't know very well. They live far away so I've only gotten to spend a matter of a few days with them over the course of our relationships. I put a lot of myself on the internet, from the good to the bad, to the mundane. My internet friends definitely know a lot about who I am. Still, I am a person who can be very reserved around people I don't spend a lot of time with. It's a lot easier to be yourself and say what's on your mind when you don't have to see the judgement in people's eyes as they watch you fall apart or be a goober. 

As I got onto the Little Mermaid ride (the Little Mermaid has been my favorite Disney movie since childhood), I found myself feeling uncomfortable about wanting to sing along with the ride. I was next to a person I had only ever been around on two other occasions. Then I realized something: The things I'm self-conscious about are the things that make me "me", probably the things that friends love about me. Loudly singing Disney songs is one of my favorite activities. What was I afraid of? Looking stupid? Looking childish? Sounding bad? I don't know. The crazy thing is, a huge chunk of my internet friends have heard me drunk cry about boys. If they can love me through that, they can love me through most anything. The group of people I was with that day are some of the most encouraging, non-judgmental people out there. There was no impending judgement for me to fear.

I am kind of a girl of revelations. I have a lot of epiphanies about myself and how I interact with the world, mainly because I am constantly introspecting. I've shared a lot of them with you guys. But internalizing this kind of stuff is so difficult. As I talked about a couple of posts ago, teaching yourself to be a whole new person is incredibly difficult. I've never felt that I could trust people to see all of me and still like me. I'm trying to be very conscious of this revelation. It's physically painful in some situations, but I do think I've made some progress. I've made a new friend recently and I've really been pushing myself to show aspects of me that my brain tells me to omit on account of the fact that I'm a huge dork. Okay, brain, so what if I'm a huge dork? I like being a dork. If other people don't like dorks, they're eventually not going to like me anyway, and if they do like dorks, they're going to like me better for nerding out in front of them. Being myself is really the best option for everyone involved. Consciously, willingly being myself is insanely difficult, but it has yielded good results so far, and I'm optimistic that it will someday turn into a natural way of engaging with the people around me that will produce a very special form of freedom.

You may remember a portion of this post from a Snapchat story I posted awhile back. I was hoping to one day turn this into a vlog, but as I still don't have a way to make videos, I'm going to be turning my video ideas into blog posts. 

So This Is The New Year

Welcome to 2016, everyone!

I'm feeling pretty pumped about the new year, I'm filled with an inexplicable hope about what's to come. If you know anything about me, you know I love goals and new beginnings. I'm sure a lot of people have been bombarding you with goals, resolutions, and to-dos, but it's a wonderful thing to be intentional about how you use your skills and how you spend your life. I hope y'all set some goals for yourself, for the day, month, year, whatever. Here are mine.

Read/finish 65 books. (Be my friend on Goodreads!) 

Get out of debt.

Get paid to publish something somewhere.

Write and edit the novel in my head.

Learn how to paint and draw.

Learn graphic design. 

Travel to a new state.

Maintain a more normal sleeping schedule.

Be less crippled by indecision.

Exercise.

Learn to let go.

Be less personally insulted by assholes and bigots.

Learn when to speak up and when to stay silent.

Get better at small talk.

Find balance.

Be a better listener.

Be a better friend.

Be more vulnerable.

Be less reactionary.

Be more like Leslie Knope.

Be less like Leslie Knope.

Continue on the long path to self love and care.

Be grateful always.

Write a blog post once a week.

Create myself.