I've been consciously trying to let myself feel the joy of every little win in my life. I say "little", but let's be honest, a lot of it has not felt little. When you're like me, anxiety and strong emotional reactions mean that nothing ever feels little. Everything is in bold colors. And that's why shining the light on the little victories is so important.
Get out of bed when you don't want to? Win.
Leave the house when you want to stay home? Win.
Go to the kitchen when you want to hide in your room? Win.
Put yourself in a setting you're skeptical of? Win.
Talk about something you want to avoid? Win.
Stop beating yourself up for a mistake? Win.
Go somewhere alone that you never imagined not having backup for? Win.
Get your tea blend to turn out perfectly? Win.
Write a novel in a month after two years of failing? Epic win.
I want to talk about that last one, because that was truly a huge win for me. I have participated in NaNoWriMo since 2010. I had never written a novel until I started doing it, but I had always wanted to write a novel. Getting a novel published is probably my biggest life goal, but I need the community and motivation of NaNoWriMo to do it. I need a month where everyone is doing the same draining, insane task I am. It's genuinely one of my favorite times of the year. But I hadn't won in two years. I pushed through 2012 by somehow writing 13,000 words on the second to last day, and nearly 25,000 words on the last day. 2013 came and I was in such a deep depression that I could not get myself to write two thousand words. Last year, I had been having panic attacks and quit a job that made me feel like I would never do anything right again, and I wrote about eighteen thousand words. This year, I can't pretend I'm not struggling. I have had a lot of anxiety and some depression and I have been struggling with a deteriorating attention span for two years or so. Despite all that, I wrote a novel. I persevered and I wrote over fifty thousand words. A lot of the reason I was able to win was because I let my celebrate the little victories within my novel, rewarding myself in some way every five thousand words. It may not be as impressive as writing most of my novel in two days like the last time I won, but this feels like an even bigger victory for me as a person. I have lost anything in my life that felt like a constant. I have struggled with losing myself and trying to rebuild myself. Winning NaNoWriMo is like finding that a piece of myself I thought I had lost was still there. The determined girl I once was is still here. That girl who knew how to push past the pain is still here. The girl who knew what she wanted is still here. I'm still Chelsea.
If you're struggling, take time to appreciate every tiny (or large!) victorious moment where you didn't give in to whatever you are struggling against. It's easier to get through the next struggle if you remember that you've won before.
