Going Home

I woke up in such a fantastic mood yesterday. I had fallen asleep after putting some patches on a tattered friendship and I was going home. As happy and excited as I started out, the stress of travel and not having finished my packing or laundry started to overwhelm me, and I had this feeling like my ride to the airport wasn't going to come through. I'd ordered some luggage and it hadn't come. 

Just before noon, I received a call from Delta saying that my 2:05 flight was delayed to 2:39. I was annoyed for a second, but it would give me more time to get my stuff in order. An hour later I recieved another call from Delta: my flight was further delayed and I would be missing my connection flight in Minneapolis. Stress turned to panic. My ride bailed on me. My roommate had come home early but it was due to illness and I definitely couldn't have her take me. I was going to have to drive myself to the airport and park my car there which is not an expense I was ready to pay for. I had no idea when I would be getting home because I had no idea when I'd be able to get another flight out of Minneapolis. My flight ended up being delayed another twenty minutes and I had to re-book completely, which I was able to do through the Delta app and was actually really easy.

Once I had booked my new flights from Jacksonville to Atlanta to San Francisco, things sort of fell into place. I had a time for when I would arrive in SFO. My luggage arrived in time for me to re-pack (I was using a bag that wasn't really a carry-on size). My roommate emerged from her room and said, "Tell your friend you don't need a ride anymore 'cause I can take you to the airport." I wasn't even going to tell her that I didn't have a ride because she looked awful and I didn't want to make her feel bad, but she appeared to be fine. She went out to run an errand and got a flat tire, which is never fun but if my flight had been on time I wouldn't have been able to loan her my car. Everything just seemed to work out really well. It was like God was saying, "Hey, I told you that you have to stop freaking out about everything. I've got this. My plan is better than yours." 3 hours later than expected, my flights ended up being pretty painless.

As the plane from Atlanta to San Francisco pulled away from the gate, I thought, "This is it: I'm really here, I'm really going to be home in a few hours." I thought of the stress of the first part of the day. When my flight had been delayed the second time, I had just wanted to curl up into a ball and give up, just not go. I thought of the 46 hours over three days it had taken me to drive to Jacksonville. And suddenly I was so overcome with gratitude to be sitting in that window seat on that aircraft, that I started crying. I thought of all the people I'm going to hug, the familiar sights I'll see, the books I had to leave behind that were waiting for me, and I just sat in awe of the fact that such a vessel could take me to the place I needed to be most in the world. I don't think I have ever been more grateful to be sitting anywhere in my entire life. As the plane took off and I felt the shift of weight in leaving the ground, it felt like God was physically carrying me to a place of love and rest. 

I had been watching "At World's End" when something made me want to look out the window and I'm so glad I did. Thousands of feet below me were The Rockies, covered in snow illuminated by the bright moonlight. As I built my own ice palace while singing "Let It Go" in my head and saw each lone bright light as a beacon of Gondor calling for aid, God was like, "Look! I made a thing!" The indescribable beauty I was viewing reminded me of something I needed as my heart ached for home, and that was to be reminded of why I left. There are so many beautiful, wonderful, miraculous things that I have yet to experience and explore and I want to see as much as humanly possible. If I never left Sonoma County, yes, I would see a lot of amazing things, but I would miss so many phenomenal things. 

A couple hours later I tackled my best friend to the ground where we continued to hug. It's fantastic to be home and I'm so thankful that I get to be, but when it's time to leave, which I know will be all too soon, I will remember looking out at those beautiful snow-covered mountains and remember that they are waiting for me to explore. Better still, I know that home will always be here when I'm weary or discouraged, and that God will take me where I need to go.

Reflections, Goals, and Cliches

2013 was a very interesting year for me. It started with me becoming a retail manager, which I said I'd never do, in the middle I moved to Florida, which I said I'd never do, and it ended (least significantly) with me getting a Pixie Cut, which I said I'd never do. I had some great adventures, made some great memories, but mostly I made a lot of mistakes. A lot of them were incredibly painful and I will be praying for healing and solutions for a long time, but I think this was the year I finally learned that I am a human and I get to make mistakes without beating myself up (not that I won't still do that sometimes). I'm exhausted from all the mistakes I've made, but I'm not the same person I was a year ago because mistakes are how we learn and grow. I've learned a lot about who I am, who God is, and who I want to be. Depression has gnawed at my soul and my relationships, but I have hope that this darkness will not endure, and I don't daydream about taking my own life as I once did. It has lead to many hardships and way more time on my own than humans are meant for, but I don't regret moving to Florida because I felt it was where God wanted me and I would not be the person who is sitting here now if I had not come. I found a strength in myself I didn't know I could access, survived what I had always thought I could not endure. I certainly didn't handle everything gracefully, but I do think I am a little tiny bit closer to being an actual adult and maybe even the person I want to be.

This is the time of year where a lot of people are making resolutions and a lot of other people are making fun of those resolutions and their likelihood not to come to fruition. But you know what? There is value in looking inside yourself and seeing what you need to change and taking steps in trying to make those changes. Setting goals for yourself is brave because there is a possibility you will fail which is always scary. But if you never try to be better, never try to improve yourself, you will be a stagnant shell of a human. That's certainly not to say New Year's Resolutions are the only way to do that, but the New Year offers us this sort of clean slate that is filled with hope. You haven't messed up yet this year, a whole new thing is in front of you. I've always loved the idea of new things: new seasons, new CDs (yes, I still buy those), new clothes, new kinds of tea on my shelf, new life. When something is new it is perfect; it's not always going to remain that way, you'll scratch that CD or that tea will be gone, but for awhile it was pure and perfect. The New Year gives us a chance for new adventures, new relationships, new jobs, new opportunities, new challenges, new mistakes, new ways to learn how to be human. If we look at this new thing with eyes of hope, we have more power over the scratches we leave on it. 

I mentioned that my depression has been difficult for me this year. I had been pretty good from 2010-2012, but too much time alone and away from most anything familiar proved to be more than I could handle. I had this thought a few days ago that I can't change the way I think because of this stupid beast that lives inside me. The thing is, I absolutely can change. I can't change my circumstances, but I can change my reactions and decisions and perspective. I can't change how physically overcome with sadness or anxiety I get or how out of control I feel, but I can choose to pray and find peace instead of react in destructive ways. I can't change my feelings, but I can stop letting them control my life and my actions. 

There are so many things we have no control over, but we make so many choices each day and we do have control over those. Plus, God is in control over everything, and that's pretty cool because he knows a lot more than I do. He's been pulling out chunks of me throughout 2013 and replacing them with better bits. He's pulling me to change, and now I get to use this new year He gave me as an opportunity to set goals for how to do so. I encourage you to do the same.