2013 was a very interesting year for me. It started with me becoming a retail manager, which I said I'd never do, in the middle I moved to Florida, which I said I'd never do, and it ended (least significantly) with me getting a Pixie Cut, which I said I'd never do. I had some great adventures, made some great memories, but mostly I made a lot of mistakes. A lot of them were incredibly painful and I will be praying for healing and solutions for a long time, but I think this was the year I finally learned that I am a human and I get to make mistakes without beating myself up (not that I won't still do that sometimes). I'm exhausted from all the mistakes I've made, but I'm not the same person I was a year ago because mistakes are how we learn and grow. I've learned a lot about who I am, who God is, and who I want to be. Depression has gnawed at my soul and my relationships, but I have hope that this darkness will not endure, and I don't daydream about taking my own life as I once did. It has lead to many hardships and way more time on my own than humans are meant for, but I don't regret moving to Florida because I felt it was where God wanted me and I would not be the person who is sitting here now if I had not come. I found a strength in myself I didn't know I could access, survived what I had always thought I could not endure. I certainly didn't handle everything gracefully, but I do think I am a little tiny bit closer to being an actual adult and maybe even the person I want to be.
This is the time of year where a lot of people are making resolutions and a lot of other people are making fun of those resolutions and their likelihood not to come to fruition. But you know what? There is value in looking inside yourself and seeing what you need to change and taking steps in trying to make those changes. Setting goals for yourself is brave because there is a possibility you will fail which is always scary. But if you never try to be better, never try to improve yourself, you will be a stagnant shell of a human. That's certainly not to say New Year's Resolutions are the only way to do that, but the New Year offers us this sort of clean slate that is filled with hope. You haven't messed up yet this year, a whole new thing is in front of you. I've always loved the idea of new things: new seasons, new CDs (yes, I still buy those), new clothes, new kinds of tea on my shelf, new life. When something is new it is perfect; it's not always going to remain that way, you'll scratch that CD or that tea will be gone, but for awhile it was pure and perfect. The New Year gives us a chance for new adventures, new relationships, new jobs, new opportunities, new challenges, new mistakes, new ways to learn how to be human. If we look at this new thing with eyes of hope, we have more power over the scratches we leave on it.
I mentioned that my depression has been difficult for me this year. I had been pretty good from 2010-2012, but too much time alone and away from most anything familiar proved to be more than I could handle. I had this thought a few days ago that I can't change the way I think because of this stupid beast that lives inside me. The thing is, I absolutely can change. I can't change my circumstances, but I can change my reactions and decisions and perspective. I can't change how physically overcome with sadness or anxiety I get or how out of control I feel, but I can choose to pray and find peace instead of react in destructive ways. I can't change my feelings, but I can stop letting them control my life and my actions.
There are so many things we have no control over, but we make so many choices each day and we do have control over those. Plus, God is in control over everything, and that's pretty cool because he knows a lot more than I do. He's been pulling out chunks of me throughout 2013 and replacing them with better bits. He's pulling me to change, and now I get to use this new year He gave me as an opportunity to set goals for how to do so. I encourage you to do the same.
This is lovely. Keep writing!
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