Why I Moved

I'd imagine that anyone reading my blog would know this, but just in case you don't: I recently moved across the country. Back in August I packed up everything I could into my Toyota Corolla and drove for 3 solid days from Petaluma, CA to Jacksonville, FL. Just me, the open road, good tunes, and my co-pilot, Daryl, the red panda. (I was on the road for 17 hours on the last day, an hour of which was just sitting in my car while an accident was being cleaned up.)

So the question that leaves in everyone's mind is, "Why?" It's a reasonable question, but it's not a cut-and-dry answer like everyone wants it to be. The number one assumption people make is that I moved here for school. I suppose that's a decent hypothesis, but at this point in my life, I don't plan on going to school again. School is just not for me, but I suppose I can't expect people to necessarily know that. The other assumption I've gotten almost as much is that I gave up the entire life that I knew to be with some boy. This infuriates me beyond measure. I am 24 and have been in exactly one relationship, if you can call it that. I was "dating" a boy (okay, he happens to live in Florida, I'll give them that) for 2 months. I literally did not see him in that period of time. Not exactly much of a relationship. I'm not sure if people thought I was moving for that specific boy, or just a boy in general, but the fact that anyone thought I would move 3000 miles away just to get a boyfriend upsets me greatly. I know I don't have a lot of prospects, but I'm not exactly the type of person who thinks life revolves around finding a husband. (I could probably write an entire post just about that. And I might.) Sure, I'm a kind of a hopeless romantic in some ways; I will never be over Jim and Pam or Lizzie and Darcy, but moving across the country for a guy without being in a fairly committed relationship is just not something I, personally, would do. I don't know, maybe to some people that would be more of a reason than my actual reasons. I did, however, move to where my best friend lives and he just happens to be of the male variety.

The idea of moving to Florida actually started out as something completely different than what was actually executed. I had this friend who broke up with her boyfriend who lived with her. She didn't have a lot of friends in the area, she was obviously upset over losing her boyfriend, and she needed a roommate. At the time, she was one of my best friends, even though I have only spent time with her in real life twice. One day, she texted me and asked, probably never in a million years expecting me to agree (and possibly jokingly), if I would move in with her. I decided that I would move in with her, but I wanted to wait 'til after VidCon so that I could definitely still go and so I could have some time to save up. We were both very excited and spent a lot of time discussing what it would be like to live together and occasionally warning each other about habits that we have that the other might find annoying when living together. After finally getting up the nerve to tell my boss, and right before I was going to tell my parents, she told me that she was having second thoughts. She never really even followed up on those second thoughts, I was just to assume that she no longer wanted to live with me.

Honestly, that set me off into a really low time. My depression hit harder than it had in years (more on that in a later post). I took it very personally that she didn't want to live with me. There had to be something wrong with me. I just was completely at a loss as to what to do. Yes, I was doing this largely as a favour to my friend. I love my friends and I will do anything in my power not to have to see them sad. That wasn't my only reason to move to Florida, though. I had lived in the same town, in the same house since I was 2. Petaluma is a pretty small town, one of those places you can't go anywhere without running into someone you know and usually don't want to talk to. As someone with social anxiety, having a conversation with someone I've known for years but doesn't remember who I am, is a complete nightmare. Or with someone I went to high school with but never talked to so we're both standing there trying not to acknowledge that we know each other. Or with anyone who expects me to make small talk. Moving to a place where I wouldn't have to encounter these things had a great appeal to me. I am also a very independent person, so living with my parents was increasingly difficult. Having to justify everything I do, everywhere I go at 24 is just not my jam. You would think that when I informed my mother at the age of 2 that I would be picking out my own clothes from then on, she would realise I do not do well with people trying to control me. That is, unfortunately, not the case. I had never imagined still living with my parents into my mid-twenties. I will always be a little kid and watch Disney movies to my heart's desire, but I was really overdue on becoming an independent adult. That's not to insult anyone who lives with his/her parents, that's just my experience. I needed to find out who I was outside of the context of my town and my home.

I don't remember how long I was freaking out about my plans being suddenly derailed. I considered moving to random towns in Florida, out of Florida. I didn't have much money to do something on my own, and anywhere in or around Petaluma would have been too expensive. Meanwhile, any situation where my plans to move were brought up, especially work, was torture. I was having a lot of panic attacks. The nice thing about being a manager was that I could disappear to the back without really being questioned. I just couldn't face telling anyone that I wasn't moving to Tallahassee. The thought of not having a plan alone was an unbearable amount of anxiety, but the thought of having to explain that to someone...well, it was just really not good. I told my best friends and pretty much no one else. I know they're my best friends because I'm sure I was a jerk to them when they tried to advise me. Possibly having to stay in my parents house and tell my job that I wasn't leaving and hoping they would let me still work there was more than I could handle hearing from anyone. They told me I didn't HAVE to go anywhere, but my brain didn't know how to deal with that. I cannot stand not doing the things I say I'll do. (Like the fact that I didn't start doing daily blogs when I said I would. I'm completely ashamed of myself.) So many people said I wouldn't go. So thanks for that challenge. If someone thinks I can't do something, I will work that much harder to do it. 

I eventually remembered that when I had seen my friend Tiffany in May, she told me she was moving to Florida and hadn't believed when I said I was also moving to Florida. Tiffany had lived in Santa Barbara. I've visited her there several times and loved it so much that I almost moved in with her a couple of years ago. She was doing an internship type thing as her rent, though, and the director filled up the apartment. I decided I needed to tell Tiffany that I would no longer be moving to her state. I think somewhere in the back of my mind I had this little hope that maybe she needed a roommate. Sure enough, she responded to my Facebook the next day and said she had been praying to find a roommate. It had sort of perfectly matched up with my own prayers. The timing worked out with the plans I already had. One of my best friends was also in Jacksonville where she would be teaching. I prayed on it a bit and was completely certain that God was telling me to go to Jacksonville. 

What I tell people when they ask why I moved is that Tiffany asked me to move in with her and so I did. That's partially true, but now you know there is a lot more to it than that. I am always up for a new adventure. We all tend to grow complacent, remaining in places, jobs, relationships, where we aren't happy. I knew my life needed a change and here I was given this opportunity to change mine very drastically. Sometimes you just have to jump in and make changes and let God do the rest.