Notes and Changes

Last night as I was making a list of 25 Things to do at 25, I remembered I'd written Facebook notes with summer goals for a couple of years. I checked them out to get some ideas for my list (although I had already written several of them down; I'm apparently terrible at completing goals) and then I started reading some of my old notes. Someone told me years ago that I was good at doing Myspace surveys. I may have carried those over to Facebook as Myspace started to become less and less used. Reading through those surveys and things that are up to six years old was a very interesting way to look at how I've changed. 

My first note is from December 2008, I was 19 and it was that August that I had gone to Disneyland for the first time as an adult. That February, I bought my first annual pass. It shows. I bring up Disneyland at every possible moment. The first note starts with me saying, "If I could be anywhere right now, it would be Disneyland" and that's pretty much the same as it would be now except I might throw in EPCOT as a back up plan. It's funny because I hadn't realised Disney had become my second home after my very first visit.

I was so sassy and sarcastic! Good thing I've gotten over that. I use every opportunity to turn answers into comedy, or a pop culture reference. What alarmed me is that those references used to come from Twilight. Luckily, one of them was a really great reference to Jim and Pam in The Office. I don't think I will ever not be the girl to make references to The Office at every possible turn. 

I laughed because in comments Chloe told me to let something go. Five years and I'm just now learning to let things go. And by that I mean I've made slight progress but still have a terrible time letting things go. 

I still sing loudly in my car. I still adore getting letters in the mail. I'm still horrified of spiders and mistake black fuzz for said insects. I still have a tendency to think I'm not really good at anything. I still love cheesy movies (though I've learned how to spell "cheesy".) I still buy things just because they're blue. I still love me a good thunderstorm. I still hate mushrooms. Dr. Pepper is still icky.

I mentioned a couple of times that I would never get a tattoo but now I plan on getting at least one. I hated beer back then. I would love to go back in time and tell 19-year-old Chelsea that she would one day drink an entire boot of beer. Speaking of time travel, I said I'd only want to time travel with Hiro Nakamura. I'm wearing a shirt with a TARDIS on it so that's definitely no longer a thing. I hated children for a time. I forgot that I did not always have baby fever. 

One thing that is super obvious to me is how depressed I was when I wrote a lot of these. I was clearly so unhappy with my life. I got through life only by looking forward to my next big adventure, just hoping the days would pass. I'm clearly counting down to something (usually Disneyland) in almost every note. It kind of transported me back to that time when I was that girl, a strange sense of empathy for my past self. I'm gonna keep this light and not talk about that until I make myself write the blog about depression that's been swimming around my brain for months. I will say that I do think I am a little bit more optimistic, a little bit more trusting of God, and don't question whether or not my friends actually want me around anymore. My greatest fear is no longer not being loved. I know how deeply I am loved by my Father and that is more than enough for me. I was hopeless then; now my heart is full of hope.