Lately I've been feeling this overwhelming need for change. It's intense and consuming and kind of indescribable, but I'm going to attempt to describe it anyway.
The other day, I was wearing a shirt I bought in 2008 or 2009 and I suddenly felt trapped in it. It was like wearing the shirt that I used to wear a lot, including several times where lots of pictures of me were taken, was eating at my soul, threatening me with the person I used to be. It was like this article of clothing was wrapping me in old habits and old friendships and old feelings. I've never really experienced anything quite like that. I came home and I got rid of some clothes I had been previously too attached to to get rid of. The nostalgia of the clothing that had once made me wish to keep it, was now the thing that I was repulsed by.
I've always loved new things. Maybe this stems from living in a materialistic, consumerist society, but I don't consider myself a material girl. I supposed I like material possessions more than I should, but I've never been one to need fancy things. I've just always liked the idea of something clean and untouched and full of possibilities. I talked about this on here when the New Year came. Every time I have something new, I want to try it out right away. I got new eyeshadow yesterday and was putting it on before bed because I wanted to test it. New thingss have this potential to make us feel new feelings. I don't know if that makes any sense.
This feeling I've had lately is a little different than my usual love of new things, though. I keep getting the compulsion to shave my head, dye my hair, get a tattoo, pierce things, throw out most of the clothes I own, just do anything to LOOK different so that I FEEL different. I know it's crazy, I do, but I can't escape these feelings. I've had a lot of identity crises, but never have they been so physical. It's making me feel quite shallow, to be honest. I sometimes catch myself thinking that maybe if I were prettier I would be happier, which is frustrating because I've spent much of my life hating the way I look and I was finally feeling okay about it.
I don't really have a point here, I just wanted to talk about these feelings. Maybe you've experienced something similar and would like to share it with me.
Listening to: Chutes Too Narrow by The Shins
I totally know what you mean. The thing that seems to drive me to disordered eating again and again is dissatisfaction with something about myself. I don't like how little money I put into savings, I'm too loud, I'm too quiet, I can be selfish, I'm way blunter than I ever realized, I don't write as often as I should, so I try to change the one thing about myself that I know I can: my weight (or how I eat or whatever...).
ReplyDeleteI don't think it's unusual to feel this way: to think that changing some outward bit will somehow inspire lasting change in our lives. But, overall, it's not the answer. Changing things can be fun and is sometimes necessary...but, changing in and of itself is not the answer to lasting happiness.
It helps me to remember that, even though I don't like bits about myself, that I have been purchased by Christ and therefore God accepts me. He made me on purpose. That doesn't mean that I should never ever change; but it is helpful to remember that the Bible says that every member of the Body of Christ is NECESSARY in their particular role...even without change, you and I are here for a reason.
Changing your outside can be fine...but it can also be detrimental...your outside shouldn't be your source of hope or even a factor in how you view yourself as a person. Even if you don't think you're pretty, what does that really mean? You're empathetic and have a heart for Jesus and you tell people you love them even when you don't have to. You were made on purpose. You, like everyone, are sinful, and yet Christ died for you. Not because of something you did or how you looked...but because he loves you.
That's important. The outside appearance won't change that.
I feel like the comment I tried to post this morning was way more cohesive...I may have gone off on a tangent...this has sort of been on my mind lately just in finally dealing with all of my ED stuff head-on...so I may have word vomited a tad.