Cripplingly low self-esteem defined me for many, many years. I would say it probably started in high school, and I'm just now starting to get over it, so we're looking at a decade of just hating pretty much everything about myself.
Today I was baking something to take to my best friend's birthday party, and it didn't really turn out the way I wanted to. A year ago, I wouldn't have taken it. I would have thrown it away or made my family eat it. I was so afraid of imperfection and wrapped up in the idea that the things I do and make reflect how much I'm worth, I was unable to be a person. It was such a good feeling, taking this thing I wasn't super proud of to share with other people. I was still self-conscious about it, but it wasn't over-powering. And you know what? Ashleigh told me it tasted like the dessert we had in the Germany pavilion of EPCOT and it was such a happy moment.
It's so good to feel your growth, to recognise things in yourself that are better than they once were, to know that your fears have less power over you than they once did. I felt similarly at VidCon this year, too. It's easier to talk to other people when you're not so worried about projecting a perfect image to the world. Perfection is impossible and those around us are not nearly as critical of us as we are of ourselves, physically or otherwise. I'll always be awkward and a little uncomfortable in social settings, but my social anxiety is starting to fade. I know that I'm a valuable person with something to contribute to the world and to the people around me and that makes it so much easier to function.
In a strange way, I think being in a relationship where I was constantly fighting to be heard and valued and respected made me realise I was worth those things. Screaming to be treated like a person made me realise that I actually am a decent person. Plus, it was just me and God out there in Florida. My ex-roommate is a great person, but she was hardly ever home, and when she was, I'm not sure she knew how to deal with my introversion and depression. God showed me that I was created in love, in his image, that I am tremendously valuable to him.
Self-esteem is a tricky beast. If you don't find it, it will effect every single relationship you have, and it is very likely that eventually someone will take advantage of you, make you feel special, then tear you to pieces. I suppose my advice to those who have low self-esteem would involve reiterating that perfection is a faulty concept; you cannot achieve it. You're more than your accomplishments and talents. Your value definitely doesn't lie in your appearance. Everyone gets lost in life and you don't have to know where you're going. Stop trying to figure out how other people are seeing you at every moment and just focus on what they are contributing to your interactions instead of how you're presenting yourself; you're judging yourself more harshly than they are. Do your best to stay away from situations and people you know to trigger feelings of extreme self doubt. Sometimes it helps to have a song to listen to when you feel useless or when you hate the way you look. Talk about it with someone who won't make you feel guilty for your feelings. It's okay not to be okay. You don't just snap your fingers and magically gain self-esteem. It is a long process; rejoice in the little victories.
Listening to: All You Can Do by Watsky
Tea: Berry Tea Cocktail
Really liked the idea of self-esteem being connected to unnecessary self-criticism in a pursuit of perfectionism. You hear people often say "I'm my own worst critic" for a reason. It's really telling that even though you can get recognition and praise from other people, but unless you give it to yourself, you're pretty stuck.
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