We've all heard the saying, "Nice guys finish last." I've heard my male friends say things like, "Girls only date assholes, they don't like nice guys." This is stupid. We're going to talk about this. I'm addressing this directly to you men out there.
First of all, there's no such thing as a "Nice Guy". That's right. I said it. But there's also no such thing as a "Nice Girl." What do those labels even mean? I've never met someone who is nice a hundred percent of the time. People are far too complex to give them one adjective that is supposed to describe them all the time, unless it's, like, "tall", but even that can change once you get old. Sirius Black said it best when he said, "We've all go both light and dark inside of us."
Just because you are nice to people does not mean you automatically deserve their romantic affection. While it's not the most important thing, there usually has to be some sense of physical attraction, some chemistry. Common interests can also be a factor. You spend a lot of time with the person you're dating: it generally has to be based on a little bit more than someone being nice. Think about it. Do you like that girl because she is nice? There's probably more to it. Maybe she makes you laugh more than anyone, or she is super passionate about something and now you see it differently than you did before, or she's just the person you like talking to most. Her feelings are just as complex as yours. Maybe she thinks you make too many penis jokes and talk about women as if they are objects. You probably don't want to date all girls who are nice to you, and not all girls your are nice to are going to want to date you. You have preferences. We have preferences. And that's okay. There are a lot of people in the world.
I don't think anyone wants to date an "asshole". Again, no one is an asshole all of the time. Those guys you see as assholes could be really sweet, maybe even sweeter than guys who would call themselves "nice". I don't think anyone dates someone they think will treat them poorly. Love really is blind; people see what they want to see and sometimes that means we see only good where there is mostly bad. We live in a culture where women are treated primarily as objects rather than people, and a lot of times we can't see that attitude in people because we don't want to. A lot of seemingly nice guys are lying, charming, manipulative assholes in disguise. It's really hard to distinguish them. They're really great at making us feel special and loved and then tearing us down, and people on the outside of those relationships often only see the latter half. You have to think about those you would call "assholes" complexly too.
I read a quote on Tumblr recently that said something along the lines of "Don't do nice things for her, do nice things with her." I really like that and think it is applicable to this mentality. I would rather sit down and eat a meal with a guy than have him hand me a burrito and walk away. While both are nice gestures, one says, "I want to spend time with you and enjoy something with you," while the other says, "Look at this nice thing I did for you." The act of spending time with someone and connecting with them is so much more meaningful than a simple nice gesture. Don't get me wrong, it's great to be nice, but there should be no expectation of reciprocation in any way.
The bottom line is that I don't know a single girl who would turn down a guy based on the fact that he is nice. You're complex, she's complex, relationships are complex. Continue to be your kind, unique self and the right someone will likely respond to that.
Listening to: Is by Hey Ocean!
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