Broken Pieces

Have you ever broken something and tried to put it back together but you're missing some pieces and it's just never quite the same? I've talked a lot about how I've gone through a period of mourning for who I used to be and how I've been trying to build a new sense of self, but I sort of feel like I've discovered one of those pieces I thought I'd lost.

The beauty of being a broken human is that you get to pick the pieces you keep and the pieces you discard. Sometimes you lose things for a little while, but if you look hard enough, work hard enough, you'll find what you're looking for. Finding those missing parts is one of the most magical experiences I have come to know. 

I just finished a book in two days, The Strange and Beautiful Sorrows of Ava Lavender by Leslye Walton. I have such a feeling of elation that I want to put into words but I'm not sure I can. Reading has been a love of mine since childhood, though we've had a very on again off again relationship. For quite some time now, I've had a very difficult time focusing on reading. I have had a very hard time reading more than a chapter in a sitting, and even that has often been difficult. I've read a bit, and have found some enjoyment in reading, but this is the first time I have felt deep and passionate love in a long time. It feels incredible. It's like tasting your favorite food after years of being denied anything but the scent of it. I feel like pieces of my heart I forgot I had have opened up, screaming to be brought to the surface. 

Feeling big and loving books deeply is so me and I love being me.

In Pursuit of Truth

I've been working on peeling back the layers of my thought processes, distinguishing truth and logic from the lies of anxiety and depression that are so easy to believe. Trying to sift through the lies floating around in my brain has made my already low bullshit tolerance even lower. I have enough bullshit going on in my brain, I don't have the capacity to deal with other people's. The truth is your friend. Let's all pursue it.

I've known a few compulsive liars throughout my life. Every time I've dealt with a compulsive liar, I've found myself wondering, "Why would anyone lie about an insignificant thing like that?" My current state of picking through my brain is similar to the process of uncovering the deceptions of a compulsive liar, with the beautiful exception of knowing that the truth is attainable. Every lie uncovered has several more waiting to be revealed along with it. 

Today's seemingly insignificant lie that I uncovered is the lie that I do better interacting with people one on one. Social anxiety and introversion make other people seem overwhelming, so it just makes sense that I'd want to be around as few people at once as possible. I realized today that I'm actually less anxious in situations where there are two or three other people so that I am not the sole focus of another person. One on one I'm too much at the center of the other person's attention. With three people, you don't necessarily have to contribute to a conversation unless you want to. There's less pressure to keep the conversation going. Thinking on it, there are really only a handful of people I'm completely comfortable with one on one. I think the main thing I don't like about being the entire focus of another person is that I'm more open to judgement. They're likely to ask more personal questions and come to conclusions about the type of person I am or how I live my life. 

Realizing that I interact with the world in a different way than I thought is actually kind of huge. It's a lot easier to shift your focus when you know where you're shifting it from. Hopefully I can learn to stop putting so much pressure on myself in certain situations. As for that deep fear of judgement that everything in my life comes back to, well, I think I'm going to have to have that surgically removed. 

Fiction-Induced Identity Crises

With Pottermore re-introducing the Sorting Hat, many people are once again having identity crises about what house they belong in. Pottermore put me in Hufflepuff once again, but I wanted to write this for all my people unsure of where they belong.

I wrote about my first Pottermore sorting here and I'm going to try not to repeat everything I said back then.

Recently, this was going around Facebook. I really don't like the idea of being part of two houses, because the point of doing this is to see where you would be if you went to Hogwarts, which would be just one house. However, I'm addicted to personality quizzes and felt it necessary to see what this thought my secondary house would be. I got Gryffinclaw. Whoops. Hello, identity crisis.

I decided to ask other people what they saw me as. About three quarters of them said Hufflepuff, but the rest were pretty evenly split between Gryffindor and Ravenclaw. I have to wonder if that number of people said I was a Hufflepuff because they see those qualities in me or because I have self-identified as a Hufflepuff for four and a half years. 

Until the past year or so, I completely discounted Gryffindor as a place I might get sorted. I genuinely believed I wasn't brave. When asking my friends what they thought, one of them said, "You have the courage of 10 Gryffindors put together." As I pick through my distorted sense of self, I can see that I am actually a pretty courageous person. I've gotten Gryffindor in sorting results many times over the past few years. I try to imagine my 11-year-old self who would have been sorted, and honestly, that girl was pretty fearless. Not to mention, I am definitely a person with an appreciation for adventure. I can definitely see why I'd get sorted into Gryffindor.  

My clouded vision of myself has also made me think I'm not smart enough to be in Ravenclaw. Now, I think I have a pretty decent wit. Ravenclaws have an appreciation for individuality, which is something that I share. Plus, I'm a bit of a punk-ass book jockey. Again, going back to my 11-year-old self, she is easy to imagine as a Ravenclaw. She was that kid who read for pleasure more than many kids and therefore had a more extensive vocabulary than most, and boy did she want everyone to know it. She took pleasure in using words her peers didn't understand and loved to "help" the other kids by blurting out the word they were struggling with as they had to read out loud to the class. 

Knowing all this, how can I know for sure that I am a Hufflepuff? I could easily be a Gryffindor or a Ravenclaw. I think about all of my relationships and wonder if I'm really loyal. I think about how many people would laugh at the idea of me being patient. I think about the people who think I'm lazy and wasting my life. But, again, I have to look beyond my self-image and my projected image to look at my true self. I definitely value loyalty, and because of that, if someone makes me feel I have been betrayed, I am very deeply wounded, often beyond repair. I may be impatiently awaiting "Captain America: Civil War", but I am so patient with the toddlers with whom I spend most of my time. I have depression and anxiety, and that can look like laziness sometimes, but truly I have a good work ethic. Justice is certainly something I value immensely. I take it very, very personally when injustice takes place, especially when I feel people I love have been treated unjustly. When I think of what I most value, it is truth, which isn't always necessarily listed as a Hufflepuff value, but it goes hand-in-hand with justice. I am a little bit addicted to truth. Lying is the single greatest way to offend me. I seek truth in every aspect of my life. I suppose that's why I take this Hogwars crisis extra seriously. Any courage I have is rooted in loyalty and the pursuit of truth and justice. Also, Hufflepuff is the most accepting house, and I get a little fireball of rage in my chest when people are needlessly exclusive. 

We're never going to get a definitive answer as to what house we belong to. I've realized that I could be just fine as a Gryffindor or a Ravenclaw. Perhaps some people look at me and think my best qualities lie within the values of those houses, but my heart is most rooted in the values of Hufflepuff. I may not always feel like I'm good enough to be in Hufflepuff, but hey, Hufflepuff is the most accepting house, so I should probably stop worrying. 

The Distorted Lens of Insecurity

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how our insecurities affect the people around us and the way we view the world. I think most of the ugly traits we possess can be traced back to insecurity, which can lead to an awful cycle of self-loathing. 

When we hate certain things about ourselves, we tend to idealize those traits in other people. If you're uncomfortable with your weight, thin people can become an extreme source of jealousy. Because our insecurities are so deeply ingrained within us, they seep out in ways we don't always intend. When we idealize aspects of others, we tend to inadvertently make them feel guilty for possessing certain qualities which are often genetic. We can find ourselves wondering why they deserve to have what we don't. The flip side of that is that we end up believing we deserve the bad things. The truth is, no one deserves their genes, good or bad. Every single person has a problem that can be traced back to their genetics. No one is the ideal specimen. As much as you feel you cannot achieve perfection, neither can anyone else. Nothing about someone else's beauty detracts from your own beauty. 

Sometimes the opposite of that can happen: We hate certain things about ourselves so we dislike anyone else who reflects those qualities. If you're working on being a less emotionally sensitive person and you spend time with someone who is highly emotional, sometimes all you see is that one quality. People are vastly complex, and just like you are more than your flaws, they are more than their flaws. There's not equation or timeline for being the right kind of person. No one is ahead or behind you in terms of personal development. We're all on entirely different paths, though they may look similar at times. No one else's bad qualities add to your own or are in any way a reflection of you.

I could go on and on about how our insecurities hinder us from being the people we're meant to be, but these are the ways I've really noticed in my own interactions recently. I really want to strive not to do the people around me the disservice of seeing them through the distorted lens of insecurity. As much as we can strive to edify people with our words, I really think the root of the problem is our inner monologues. If we're trying to constantly watch our words around people but have an inner monologue constantly telling us that we're not good enough, that's going to get out eventually. It can seem kind of narcissistic and self-involved to work on self-love, but I would argue that learning how to spend less time hating yourself is the best way to free up your heart for better things. 

Consciously Me

Over the summer, I was at Disneyland with a group of friends whom I love, but don't know very well. They live far away so I've only gotten to spend a matter of a few days with them over the course of our relationships. I put a lot of myself on the internet, from the good to the bad, to the mundane. My internet friends definitely know a lot about who I am. Still, I am a person who can be very reserved around people I don't spend a lot of time with. It's a lot easier to be yourself and say what's on your mind when you don't have to see the judgement in people's eyes as they watch you fall apart or be a goober. 

As I got onto the Little Mermaid ride (the Little Mermaid has been my favorite Disney movie since childhood), I found myself feeling uncomfortable about wanting to sing along with the ride. I was next to a person I had only ever been around on two other occasions. Then I realized something: The things I'm self-conscious about are the things that make me "me", probably the things that friends love about me. Loudly singing Disney songs is one of my favorite activities. What was I afraid of? Looking stupid? Looking childish? Sounding bad? I don't know. The crazy thing is, a huge chunk of my internet friends have heard me drunk cry about boys. If they can love me through that, they can love me through most anything. The group of people I was with that day are some of the most encouraging, non-judgmental people out there. There was no impending judgement for me to fear.

I am kind of a girl of revelations. I have a lot of epiphanies about myself and how I interact with the world, mainly because I am constantly introspecting. I've shared a lot of them with you guys. But internalizing this kind of stuff is so difficult. As I talked about a couple of posts ago, teaching yourself to be a whole new person is incredibly difficult. I've never felt that I could trust people to see all of me and still like me. I'm trying to be very conscious of this revelation. It's physically painful in some situations, but I do think I've made some progress. I've made a new friend recently and I've really been pushing myself to show aspects of me that my brain tells me to omit on account of the fact that I'm a huge dork. Okay, brain, so what if I'm a huge dork? I like being a dork. If other people don't like dorks, they're eventually not going to like me anyway, and if they do like dorks, they're going to like me better for nerding out in front of them. Being myself is really the best option for everyone involved. Consciously, willingly being myself is insanely difficult, but it has yielded good results so far, and I'm optimistic that it will someday turn into a natural way of engaging with the people around me that will produce a very special form of freedom.

You may remember a portion of this post from a Snapchat story I posted awhile back. I was hoping to one day turn this into a vlog, but as I still don't have a way to make videos, I'm going to be turning my video ideas into blog posts. 

So This Is The New Year

Welcome to 2016, everyone!

I'm feeling pretty pumped about the new year, I'm filled with an inexplicable hope about what's to come. If you know anything about me, you know I love goals and new beginnings. I'm sure a lot of people have been bombarding you with goals, resolutions, and to-dos, but it's a wonderful thing to be intentional about how you use your skills and how you spend your life. I hope y'all set some goals for yourself, for the day, month, year, whatever. Here are mine.

Read/finish 65 books. (Be my friend on Goodreads!) 

Get out of debt.

Get paid to publish something somewhere.

Write and edit the novel in my head.

Learn how to paint and draw.

Learn graphic design. 

Travel to a new state.

Maintain a more normal sleeping schedule.

Be less crippled by indecision.

Exercise.

Learn to let go.

Be less personally insulted by assholes and bigots.

Learn when to speak up and when to stay silent.

Get better at small talk.

Find balance.

Be a better listener.

Be a better friend.

Be more vulnerable.

Be less reactionary.

Be more like Leslie Knope.

Be less like Leslie Knope.

Continue on the long path to self love and care.

Be grateful always.

Write a blog post once a week.

Create myself.

Winning

I've been consciously trying to let myself feel the joy of every little win in my life. I say "little", but let's be honest, a lot of it has not felt little. When you're like me, anxiety and strong emotional reactions mean that nothing ever feels little. Everything is in bold colors. And that's why shining the light on the little victories is so important.

Get out of bed when you don't want to? Win.

Leave the house when you want to stay home? Win.

Go to the kitchen when you want to hide in your room? Win.

Put yourself in a setting you're skeptical of? Win.

Talk about something you want to avoid? Win.

Stop beating yourself up for a mistake? Win.

Go somewhere alone that you never imagined not having backup for? Win.

Get your tea blend to turn out perfectly? Win.

Write a novel in a month after two years of failing? Epic win.

I want to talk about that last one, because that was truly a huge win for me. I have participated in NaNoWriMo since 2010. I had never written a novel until I started doing it, but I had always wanted to write a novel. Getting a novel published is probably my biggest life goal, but I need the community and motivation of NaNoWriMo to do it. I need a month where everyone is doing the same draining, insane task I am. It's genuinely one of my favorite times of the year. But I hadn't won in two years. I pushed through 2012 by somehow writing 13,000 words on the second to last day, and nearly 25,000 words on the last day. 2013 came and I was in such a deep depression that I could not get myself to write two thousand words. Last year, I had been having panic attacks and quit a job that made me feel like I would never do anything right again, and I wrote about eighteen thousand words. This year, I can't pretend I'm not struggling. I have had a lot of anxiety and some depression and I have been struggling with a deteriorating attention span for two years or so. Despite all that, I wrote a novel. I persevered and I wrote over fifty thousand words. A lot of the reason I was able to win was because I let my celebrate the little victories within my novel, rewarding myself in some way every five thousand words. It may not be as impressive as writing most of my novel in two days like the last time I won, but this feels like an even bigger victory for me as a person. I have lost anything in my life that felt like a constant. I have struggled with losing myself and trying to rebuild myself. Winning NaNoWriMo is like finding that a piece of myself I thought I had lost was still there. The determined girl I once was is still here. That girl who knew how to push past the pain is still here. The girl who knew what she wanted is still here. I'm still Chelsea. 

If you're struggling, take time to appreciate every tiny (or large!) victorious moment where you didn't give in to whatever you are struggling against. It's easier to get through the next struggle if you remember that you've won before.