Winning

I've been consciously trying to let myself feel the joy of every little win in my life. I say "little", but let's be honest, a lot of it has not felt little. When you're like me, anxiety and strong emotional reactions mean that nothing ever feels little. Everything is in bold colors. And that's why shining the light on the little victories is so important.

Get out of bed when you don't want to? Win.

Leave the house when you want to stay home? Win.

Go to the kitchen when you want to hide in your room? Win.

Put yourself in a setting you're skeptical of? Win.

Talk about something you want to avoid? Win.

Stop beating yourself up for a mistake? Win.

Go somewhere alone that you never imagined not having backup for? Win.

Get your tea blend to turn out perfectly? Win.

Write a novel in a month after two years of failing? Epic win.

I want to talk about that last one, because that was truly a huge win for me. I have participated in NaNoWriMo since 2010. I had never written a novel until I started doing it, but I had always wanted to write a novel. Getting a novel published is probably my biggest life goal, but I need the community and motivation of NaNoWriMo to do it. I need a month where everyone is doing the same draining, insane task I am. It's genuinely one of my favorite times of the year. But I hadn't won in two years. I pushed through 2012 by somehow writing 13,000 words on the second to last day, and nearly 25,000 words on the last day. 2013 came and I was in such a deep depression that I could not get myself to write two thousand words. Last year, I had been having panic attacks and quit a job that made me feel like I would never do anything right again, and I wrote about eighteen thousand words. This year, I can't pretend I'm not struggling. I have had a lot of anxiety and some depression and I have been struggling with a deteriorating attention span for two years or so. Despite all that, I wrote a novel. I persevered and I wrote over fifty thousand words. A lot of the reason I was able to win was because I let my celebrate the little victories within my novel, rewarding myself in some way every five thousand words. It may not be as impressive as writing most of my novel in two days like the last time I won, but this feels like an even bigger victory for me as a person. I have lost anything in my life that felt like a constant. I have struggled with losing myself and trying to rebuild myself. Winning NaNoWriMo is like finding that a piece of myself I thought I had lost was still there. The determined girl I once was is still here. That girl who knew how to push past the pain is still here. The girl who knew what she wanted is still here. I'm still Chelsea. 

If you're struggling, take time to appreciate every tiny (or large!) victorious moment where you didn't give in to whatever you are struggling against. It's easier to get through the next struggle if you remember that you've won before. 

The Double-Edged Sword of Imagination

I've been spending some time learning about my Ennegram type. I am a Type Four: The Individualist. There's a lot to be learned from psychological evaluations of personality type, but today I'm going to talk about imagination.

I've always seen imagination as a pathway to endless marvels. I never really considered that imagination could also be a pathway to destruction until reading about Fours. There are pieces of my imagination that I have known are problematic without even realizing that they are, in fact, connected to imagination. 

Reading about my type and our overuse of imagination, I didn't really think I had that quality. Then, I suddenly realized that empathy is simply the ability to imagine deeply. I'm sure that sounds really obvious, but I had never really thought about it that way. Empathy is such an emotional and automatic response for me, it feels like more of a reaction than a cognitive process. Seeing empathy, something that I highly value and appreciate but also know to be problematic, as a process of imagination made me start to see that maybe I do have this over-active imagination problem.

Introspection is another double-edged sword that I hadn't ever recognized as a compartment of imagination. Knowing yourself and examining yourself is a good thing, but you can get lost in your mind, ruminating on all your flaws and problems. Being hyper-aware of your shortcomings is not a fun time, yet it's a trap I find myself in all too frequently, another trap of imagination.

Yet as I read about the concept of my "Fantasy Self", the idea that I build up an idealized self in my mind, I thought, "I don't do that." Oh, Chelsea. It's so cute when you blatantly lie to yourself. Of course I do this, and I think a lot of other people probably do this without necessarily realizing that they do, so that's why we're here talking about it today. 

The idea of Fantasy Self is closely linked with perfectionism, a trait I know myself to have and of which I am trying to break myself. I have been trying to break myself of a lot of things, actually. I have been trying to rebuild myself into a whole new person, a person I have a very clear image of, my Fantasy Self. Working towards a better you is a good thing, but imagining better is only a part of the process, and if you're not careful, you can find yourself imagining without working. Re-wiring yourself is a slow and painful process. There are going to be snags. Everyone makes bad decisions, falls into the habits they're trying to leave behind them. And that's where the Fantasy Self becomes dangerous. I have this idea of who I want to be, of who I "really am" and then I torture myself when I cannot live up to that. My brain throws every instance where I was not the person I wanted to be in my face, played over and over again with no stop button. I berate myself for not having done better, not having been a better person. When you get lost in shame spirals like that, you can't see clearly. It's hard to make any progress when you can't find your footing because you're too busy obsessing over mistakes. And when you do make progress, you tell yourself that it's not enough, you're not enough yet. And if you're not enough, you're not worthy of being loved. You start to think of yourself as a project, not a complete being.

I'm trying so hard to teach myself that I'm a person, not a partially built house that's unlivable before completion. It's hard to know that so much of me needs to change, feeling like I'm learning an endless string of things that are wrong with me. But it's easier when I learn to assess the individual problems. Seeing that my imagination has led to most of my problems in life, I can start the process of learning to hone it into something that's productive and filled with beauty. 

I would love to hear ideas from my fellow wakeful dreamers on how you deal with the self-destructive aspects of your imagination. 

Perpetuating Hate

As I've scrolled through Facebook over the past couple of days, I have become extremely disheartened by the amount of hate I have seen towards an entire group of people. What I really saw was fear, but hate nonetheless. In the immortal words of Yoda, "Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering." 

It truly saddens me seeing the internet, my beautiful internet, used as a platform for hate. Apparently I process things in fiction, because I couldn't get Theoden out of my head. "What can men do against such reckless hate?" I tried to tweet out some love for people who are being affected by bigotry, knowing it wouldn't really do much, but also needing to try to tear down some of the hate with love.

It wasn't long after sending out my string of tweets before I started feeling convicted about taking offense to social media being used as a hate medium. The impact of my words on social media, particularly Twitter, have been on my mind a lot lately. For several years now, I have used Twitter as a way of processing my thoughts. As someone who had previously done all she could to hide every feeling she ever had, I thought this was a good thing. And it was good. For me. It makes me feel better, more level, than suffering in silence. It feels true. It feels like I'm being honest about who I am, showing the world all my flaws and fears and discouragements and hoping they will still like me. Things like, "I always thought I was the only one who thought that way until you tweeted it!" have gone to my head. I always imagined that sharing my thought processes was helpful to people who shared my struggles.

But the truth is, I have used social media as a platform for hate. I have used it to hate myself. I have used it as a way of saying, "Look at all this junk I have in my brain. See why I can't get anyone to love this?" I have subjected people to my deepest thoughts of self-loathing, perpetuating hate. I have processed thoughts in a way that I thought would sound hopeful, but just sound negative to those whose minds don't work the way mine does. 

Words mean a lot me. I pride myself on speaking the truth. Well, the truth is that I don't place a high enough value on how those words are perceived by other people. I am a very reactionary and passionate person, and that leads to words that don't need to be said. That's something I'm working on, but deeply struggling with. 

Negative words have a bigger impact on people than positive. For every ten positive/neutral things I say, I know my negative ones will be the ones remembered, whether I meant them in a negative way or not. 

I honestly don't know how to process emotions. That's what brings you this post and pretty much every other post I've ever written. I thought that I had learned a more productive way to process my emotions, but it turns out I didn't. I don't want my metal illness and my struggles to be the mark I leave on the world. I will not pretend to be okay when I'm not, but today I commit to stop perpetuating self-hate in my life and on my social media. I'm not sure where I'll take my processing of thoughts, but I will figure it out. I hope you and everyone in my life can be patient with me. 

Thank you to everyone who has made me feel less crazy and less alone through the years. It truly means the world to me and has gotten me through some very difficult times. I'm sorry I abused you as my friends and my audience. Thank you to everyone who has shown me love and patience. You're truly gems.

Walking Contradiction

I live somewhere between reckless optimism and hopeless pessimism.
Somewhere between dreamer and realist.
Somewhere between empathy and apathy.
Somewhere between self-indulgent and self-loathing.
Somewhere between endlessly introverted and deeply lonely.
Somewhere between spotaneous adventurer and anxious planner.
Somewhere between lover of flaws and perfectionist.
Somewhere between loving deeply and building thick walls.
Somewhere between forever determined and easily discouraged.
Somewhere between tough and hypersensitive.
Somewhere between addicted to truth and avoiding reality.
Somewhere between feeling everything and feeling nothing.
Somewhere between hurting and healing.
Somewhere between joy and fear.
Somewhere between crazy and human.
I am a walking contradiction, a stranger even to myself, looking for a path to balance.

Losing Faith

A lot of people in my life don't really get why the past year or so has been so difficult for me. There are a lot of reasons, but I wanted to address my faith, or lack thereof. I have touched on this before, but I wanted to talk about why leaving Christianity behind me has been such a heavy task.

I became a Christian when I was four years old. I am 26 now. I dedicated two decades of my life to Christ. I have been a regular member of only two churches in that time, for that whole time, and the first church merged into the second church. I went to (and led) bible studies, I went to youth group, but most importantly, I believed in God with all my heart and my life was dedicated to Jesus Christ. (No, I don't think I was capable of that when I was 4, so I'm not really sure how long that's applicable.) This is not coming to you from the perspective of a casual, occasional church-goer or something like that.

I had been struggling with faith for awhile, I suppose due to a very traumatic ordeal with a person who called himself a Christian. About a year ago, I sat in church and I just could not make it through worship. Crying (and hiding it) during worship was something I had been doing every Sunday for about a year, but this time was different: I couldn't stop crying. I felt judged, and I felt like I did not belong there. I was overcome with the need to run away. And so I did. I just left. After that, I started to feel like my prayers were not only unanswered, but unheard. I started to feel silly for ever thinking my prayers had been heard, for even saying them in the first place. I had felt abandoned before, but after I guess I just felt like there was nothing. 

And now I just feel lost. I want to name and identify my struggles for myself, for anyone who may be going through this, and for people who have no idea what this is like to go through this but have been wondering what the heck is wrong with me.

My main struggles have been:

• Identity. Christianity is an identity. You're created by God and for God. Without God, what am I? Who am I?
• Hope. Hope is such an important notion for humans, especially for those of us prone to depression. If you have a strong faith in God, all your hope is placed in God. Where do I derive hope from now?
• Church. My church was a home to me. There was a time in my life where I went to church, youth group, and bible study once every week, and all my close friends were people I knew from church. Church is my family. And now I feel like I've sort of betrayed them, and will be leaving a lot of them behind. 
• Morals. I guess I don't believe in sin anymore, there is only right and wrong. So what does that mean? How do I figure out what's right?
• Labels. In some ways, I think I will always feel like a Christian. So much of my life was dedicated to it, and still, so many people I love are dedicated to it. I guess I'm not a Christian anymore, so am I an atheist? 
• Death. I was never afraid of death before, at least not for myself. I knew that I was going to heaven under no uncertain terms. I no longer believe in heaven, so death is just an unknown void, and that is scary as hell.
• The Unknown. Generally, I don't know what I believe about much of anything anymore, like creation for example. 

I struggle with at least one of these things every single day. Everything about me, the foundation of who I am, has shifted and there have been so many other changes in my life, it feels like I'm being physically attacked by change and I can't find one constant. It feels like this is going to be quite the process. My heart goes out to anyone who has changed their belief system.

Friend Survey

Awhile ago, I realized that there is a lot I don't know about my friends, particularly my internet friends, so I put together a survey to send to everyone who gave me their address. You probably know that if you are reading this. Here are my answers.

Name: Chelsea Anne Clark

Birthdate: May 18, 1989

Occupation: babysitter

How long have you been doing this? 

As my main source of income, since February

Is this the best job you’ve had? If not, what was?

Yes. I was never happy in retail. taking care of kiddos gives me a sense of purpose and I actually feel like I'm helping people. It can be very frustrating dealing with toddlers, but mostly it's wonderful.

What is the worst job you’ve had?

Key Holder at Cotton On. My manager had been so wonderful to me as an associate, and then she totally changed on me when I was a key holder. I had to close 6 days a week most of the time, almost always by myself. I worked off the clock all the time, and still I couldn't get everything done they thought one person could do.

What’s your dream job?

To travel the world and write about my experiences in a way that says more than "Look how cool my life is!" but is meaningful for people from all walks of life. I also want to write some novels.

Describe what a typical Tuesday looks like for you:

I get up later than I probably should, and get ready. If I am lucky, I have to drink so tea and catch up on some Cereal Time. Then I head to Little Baby Buddy's house for 4-6 hours. I read him lots of books, sing some songs, take him on walks, and go into the backyard to go to the sandbox, which he usually abandons in pursuit of the rocky area of the yard where he enjoys running in circles around the table as I chase after him to make sure he doesn't step in dog poo. After that, I head home and eat dinner, watch some TV, probably some baseball, maybe some Netflix. I'm not actually sure where most of my evenings go.

Describe what a perfect day off would look like for you:

Wake up around 6, put on a striking Disneybound, and then head to Space Mountain and gallivant around Disneyland for 16 hours with awesome people.

More realistically, I'd wake up at 10, have brunch and tons of tea with great gals. Catan would be played for many hours, until we get distracted because we love talking to each other to much to be bothered to do anything else.

What are your top 5 favourite music albums?

I hate myself for this question and I can't actually choose so I'm cheating on my own question

Forget and Not Slow Down by Relient K

Talking Is Hard by Walk the Moon

Kaleidoscope Heart by Sara Bareilles

Barton Hollow by The Civil Wars

My Head Is An Animal by Of Monster and Men

Everybody by Ingrid Michaelson

Who’s the best band you’ve discovered recently?

The Hunts

Describe where you currently are, including anything you’re doing besides this:

I'm sitting on my bed, which is where I spend most of my life. It is very messy. The rest of my room is also messy. I'm very apathetic about it. I have a Netflix tab open, as well as the Adagio site. I'm drinking some cucumber water. I'm listening to my favorite albums on Spotify.

What are your top ten favourite movies?

Lord of the Rings (Rotk, Fellowship, Two Towers)

Original Star Wars trilogy (RotJ, ESB, New Hope)

Avengers (honestly, this kind of includes both plus the Cap movies)

Pride and Prejudice 2005

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

Ten Things I Hate About You

The Little Mermaid

Inside Out

Hairspray

Singin' In the Rain

What was the last movie you saw in the theatre and what did you think of it?

Inside Out, which I was seeing by myself for the second time, and to which I Disneybounded as Joy. I've been screaming my good opinion of this move since the first day it came out.

What do you think is the most overrated movie?

Love, Actually

What are some TV shows that you love?

Parks and Rec, The Office, 30 Rock, Community, Agent Carter, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Gilmore Girls, Boy Meets World, Pushing Daisies, LOST, Daredevil, Doctor Who before the last couple seasons, Call the Midwife, Merlin, I.T. Crowd, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, Parenthood, Arrested Development, Firefly, Buffy, Scrubs, Sherlock

If you could pick one show to have been on the air longer, what would it be?

Pushing Daisies

What are your favourite books?

Harry Potter series (Deathly Hallows is my fave), Paper Towns, The Fault in Our Stars, Pride and Prejudice, The Shades of London series, 13 Little Blue Envelopes, Holes, Scott Pilgrim, The Leviathan trilogy, The Hunger Games trilogy, Miss Peregrine's Peculiar Series, Anna and the French Kiss, Stardust

What’s a book that you think not enough people have read?

The Sky Is Everywhere by Jandy Nelson is such a beautiful look at grief 

Who are your top 5 fictional characters?

Here's another one I super hate myself for asking and will cheat on.

Leslie Knope
Steve Rogers

Rory Williams

Topanga Lawrence

Ned the Piemaker

Ronald Bilius Weasley

What do you spend too much money on?

Makeup and tea

What’s your favourite colour?

blue

What’s your favourite hot beverage?

tea duh

What’s your favourite cold beverage?

raspberry lemonade

What’s your favourite alcoholic beverage?

my drink is a Long Island Iced Tea, but wine is what I consume the most, and Woodchuck Fall cider is freaking amazing

What’s your favourite breakfast?

biscuits and gravy with a side of bacon and hashbrowns

What are the top places you want to go/trips you want to take?

All 50 states (so far I've been to 13)

Every Disney park

Middle Earth

All over Europe, esp The Uk, Ireland, Holland, Norway, Iceland, Italy, Greece, France, Germany

What accessory do you wear the most?

My TSWGO and Hectic Glow bracelets even take showers with me. They'll probably come off in winter, though, as I don't like wearing them with long sleeves.

Do you like sports? Which ones? What are your teams?

Baseball: The Giants

I like playing tennis but don't watch it.

Do you enjoy board games/card games? Which ones?

Settlers of Catan, Ticket to Ride, Apples to Apples, Bananagrams, The Game of Things

What’s one thing that you love about yourself?

I love that I'm always up for trying new things.

Describe a pet peeve of yours:

When people don't use their turn signal

Are you a hobbit, dwarf, elf, wizard, human, or orc?

I would like to think I'm an elf, but I'm a hobbit.

What’s your Hogwarts house?

HUFFLEPUFF

Will I get to see you at VidCon?

Since I guess this would be for next year now, no.

Thank you so much to the people who participated! (Or may yet participate.) Sorry it was so difficult at times.

Get It Together September

I've had a lot of barriers to being productive lately. I feel like I'm finally starting to leave the heavy fog of depression behind me and gaining some new perspective and breaking through the person I don't want to be, but these last five or six days have been filled with heavy anxiety (the kind that makes me feel like my body is a brick and my heart might literally beat out of my chest and it feels like I'm dying), a sinus infection, and the kind of exhaustion where my head is just fog. It's really discouraging to just barely start to feel like I can breathe a bit and then have my body and mind attack me again. I don't really know how to fix this, but I know I need to try to get through and not let my anxiety steal my life from me. It's very hard to find the balance between not letting my anxiety/depression rule me and knowing some days it will get the better of me and that's not cause to beat myself up. 

Last year, I started the tag "#GetItTogetherSeptember" which was basically me trying to make myself do the things I had continually been putting on the back burner and getting my shit together. I believe I was pretty unsuccessful. Even so, I'm doing it again this year. Hopefully a blog of my goals will help me to get them accomplished. I've said this before, but I think there's a lot of power in sharing your goals with others. 

September Goals:

• Go to the doctor
• Get all my crowdfund perks done and sent out
• Make at least three YouTube videos
• Do a Fangorn Fables blog
• Walk (or hike) for at least half an hour four times per week
• Go on at least one adventure
• Make a budget for the month and stick to it
• Do at least one social thing per week 
• Apply to at least two jobs per week
• Write in my journal every day
• Read at least one chapter of a book every day
• Finish at least five books
• Clean/organize my room
• Draw one thing every day
• Answer my friend surveys

I would love to hear some goals that you guys have this month, and it would be my favorite if you use my hashtag. Here's to a good September and being our best selves every day!