Anxiety

Being super tired (I fell asleep in my jeans this other night) and uninspired has led to me failing BEDA. So I guess I'm doing BSDA (Blog Some Days in April). Of course I would do that right after I talk about why it's important for me to do BEDA. I'm trying not to dwell in my failure and continue doing lots of writing. It's not easy when you feel like there's a bowling ball in your head, but on I press, for today at least. 

I had a conversation with someone who is just recently getting to know me about my anxiety today, so naturally I want to talk about anxiety. I want to preface this by saying that anxiety effects people in different ways, so this may not be the experience of others, but perhaps provide a small look into what it's like for some people, me at least. 

My anxiety levels have been pretty extreme over the last 6-8 months. I get heart palpitations about once or twice a day that last for a couple of hours. They probably last longer and I just get used to them, actually, because I just realised I'm having mild palpitations right now. The thing is, there's no particular trigger right now. It could be that I'm stressed overall about adulthood and not being where I want to be in my life or as a person. Perhaps it's because I just applied for a job. I don't know, and that's a definite frustration for me, feeling really palpably anxious without really knowing why.

The main way I would say that I'm anxious is socially, any time I am interacting with other people. Maybe that's why I feel anxious right now, because posting things on the internet means other people have access to my thoughts. Posting this really personal stuff is not easy for me, but it's easier for me to push through that here on this screen because I don't have to see other people's reactions, though that's actually what eventually stopped me from continuing YouTube. When I get like that over the internet, my anxiety is mostly just heart palpitations and thinking about the same things over and over again. When I get anxious in physical social situations, I just kind of seize up. I get really flushed and feel like my insides are sweating, and coherent thoughts don't really happen, like my mind only has room for anxiety, not actual thoughts. I end up lying about things, completely on accident, about solid facts I definitely know. Questions really get to me, and sometimes they can just be "How are you?" Definitely any questions about my family make me anxious, or anything that feels remotely personal. I say all the time that "Tell me about yourself" is the easiest way to make my mind completely blank.

So back to my conversation today. I was talking to the mom I nanny for. On Saturday, I had mentioned that school had been really hard for me because of anxiety (which I'm honestly proud of myself for even being able to say, though sometimes it's easier for me to talk in a car where I don't have to look directly in someone's eyes). Today, I mentioned that I will be going into San Francisco tomorrow (an infamously anxiety-inducing drive). She asked me who was  going to be driving and I said I was. She said she was really surprised since I had said I have some problems with anxiety. I said that the driving doesn't really bother me too much, that it's mainly social anxiety. She was really surprised to hear that, that she had thought I was really brave for coming to their house to meet them without knowing much of anything about them and she hadn't ever seen the anxiety in me at all. I was so amazed to hear that. That day was one of the most anxious days I've had thus far in 2015. I know that I often make a bad first impression on people, and the pressure of trying to sound like someone these people could trust their child with was a lot to handle, especially because I wanted that job so much in addition to really needing it. I also feel like I get blushy with her because she places a very high value on family, so she asks me about mine a lot. I also tend to get blushy with new people who ask me about anything I feel really strongly about, but don't want to let them know how much I care. To hear that someone I have definitely had those mind-blocking anxiety experiences around hadn't noticed my anxiety, is wonderful. To hear her call me brave is a miracle. I tend not to believe people when they call me brave, because other people tell me I need to stop letting anxiety control me, but it felt so good to hear from a blunt and genuine person. She then related my anxiety to her friend who gets so anxious that he has to leave crowds. Crowds actually very rarely bother me, it's that personal contact that's difficult. Everybody is different.

One of the hardest things to deal with is that I feel like I'm often short with people when my brain stops working. I know sometimes I make people uncomfortable or make them feel like I don't want to talk to them, or maybe they think I don't like them. I hate that, because that's so rarely the case. The last time I had a really bad anxious time at a gathering, I posted something on Facebook about how bad my social anxiety is because I was so uncomfortable with the way I left that situation. Hopefully the main person I had an awkward interaction with saw that, but I've had lots of awkward interactions with her, so she's probably just used to it. It's kind of hard to know that everyone just accepts me as an awkard person, but I guess that's who I am and I have to learn to be okay with that and be confident in who I am, though that's the very thing my anxiety works against.

I just thought I'd talk about this because, you know, I'm that person who likes to write about the topics no one likes to talk about, and I know that social anxiety can be really difficult for some people to comprehend, so perhaps this will help someone somewhere understand a smidgen better.

Hope you all had a lovely day!

Listening to: "Talking Is Hard" by Walk the Moon (No, I did not realise how appropriate that album title is.)

Thoughts of a Dormant Writer

I really need to be in bed but I also need to write this blog, but I have no idea what to write about, so I'm just going to talk about what I've been thinking about.

We're already at day 5 of BEDA, but I haven't really talked about why I'm here, mildly torturing myself to write every day for a month. I guess it's kind of just because writing is a thing that makes me feel...right. I feel good while I'm writing and after I write. I love the feel of the keyboard beneath my fingers, watching the words fill up the page. I love getting thoughts out of my mind and into this digital pensieve. It gives me a sense of accomplishment to put something out into the world that wasn't there before, even if it's not particularly earth-shattering. I hadn't been doing it lately, though. BEDA is really the best way to force myself into it. There's a novel running around in my head, but I know that as soon as I start writing it, I'm going to be terrible to be around. It's going to be about pretty unpleasant subject matter and I get so immersed in my writing that I just know my mind will be immersed in a toxic wasteland. So BEDA's here to force me to be disciplined to write a vast array of things with my dormant writing muscles in the meantime. I always hope this type of thing will turn me into an actually good writer who is consistent in what she does, but I think my hopes are a bit more realistic this time in that I just hope to finish.

I frequently think about never blogging again because I'm all over the place with it and have such a low response rate to it, but maybe it's okay that it's more for me than for anyone else (God knows I spend zero time trying to make it look remotely spiffy like other blogs). Blogging is kind of the most vain thing I do, apart from maybe posting a Chelfie almost every day this year. It can feel so conceited to be like, "These are my thoughts! Take precious time out of your day to listen to them! Please feed my poor ego!" That vanity can be difficult for a Hufflepuff like me.

I was thinking today about why it's important to express ourselves, particularly the bad things. A lot of it is because when we hide things, they have more power over us, but I think it's also really important to realise that a lot of the things we share with others may be things those people have wished they were able to find the words to share with us. Being a person is horrifying, but it's so much better when we know we're not alone in the way we think. I've said these things several times before, but I just feel really strongly that there's something to be said about vocalising pain rather than finding shame in it as we're so often taught to do. Obviously we shouldn't be constantly whining, but attempting to articulate the shadows of our minds can be a beautifully freeing experience.


Hope you all had a happy Easter if you celebrate such things!



Listening to: "Kintsugi" by Death Cab for Cutie

10 Facts About Me

I guess I'm writing ten "interesting" facts about me. It's really hard to think of things I haven't already said somewhere on this blog (and I'm nit promising some of these haven't been said on here, Twitter, or Tumblr), and it's hard to think of things that are unique to me, cause I'm me.

1. I hate talking about myself in person, which may be weird for someone who writes so many personal things on the internet. The number one way to make my mind go completely blank is to say, "Tell me about yourself." I'll probably blush and say I'm not very interesting.

2. People know me as the Disneyland-obsessed girl, but other than when I was 4 and only retained vague memories of it, my first trip to the Happiest Place on Earth was at age 19. At the time, I was frustrated with a friend for having been too many times to remember, but now I'm not 100% sure I can give you an accurate number of the times I've been. I'm not even sure how many annual passes I've had...I think 4.

3. I talk to myself in a British accent during extended periods of alone time.

4. It's been a year and I still haven't gotten my room in order after moving back home. It's overwhelming.

5. I honestly have no idea if I'm a really lazy person or if depression or another issue causes my lack of energy.

6. I've never been on a date, let alone been in a serious relationship. Apparently this causes people to think I'm gay but I'm not dating girls, so that's illogical. I've also been asked if this is due to religion, but that doesn't really make sense either. Religious people can date. We're not freaks. The reason is super simple: I've never wanted to date someone who wanted to date me.

7. I frequently imagine that if I wish hard enough, I can actually go back in time. I often wake up with an immediate need to check the date, even though my location would be different if I went back. So I guess I'm higher on the insanity scale than I'd like to be.

8. I think sushi is an elaborate scheme, that everyone just pretends it's the most amazing thing but actually hates it.

9. My biggest fear is that I will never learn to be a successful, independent adult.

10. When I was a child, I jimmyed my way out of my car seat on the 405.

Parks and Rec Characters

I was asked to write about what enjoy about each Parks and Rec character, which ties into my request about writing about a book/movie/tv show that has changed me, cause Parks definitely changed me.

Leslie- I love that she is positive through everything. She has dumb people in her town yelling at her over the most ridiculous things, and yet she just hears it as "people caring loudly at her." She's such a hard worker and so compassionate and everything I hope to be someday.

Ann- I love Ann for her relationship with Leslie, cause platonic love, yo, and because of her relationship with Chris. I love that they used her as a way to say that love for yourself is what makes romantic relationships work, and that things can go really poorly if you get lost in other people.

Ben- I love Ben because he's everything I want in a man, except a little more pretentious. He shares a lot of my interests and is a dreamboat.  A lot of shows have such ridiculous ways of showing "nerd" stereotypes, but Parks made Ben the most glorious nerd who actually feels like he could be a real person who makes bad accounting puns.

Tom- I love him because he goes for his dreams even after failing other times. He's just so enthusiastic about chasing the things he wants, even if they're ridiculous to other people.

Ron- When looked at briefly, Ron seems like a hillbilly macho man. But Parks doesn't let people be one-dimensional like that. Ron can be caring, musical, and magical. He's a great friend to Leslie, a mentor to April and Tom, and becomes a great husband and father.

April- She's another great example of people who could appear one-dimensional to a casual acquaintance. She doesn't really like a lot of things and people, but she'll do absolutely anything for those she does.

Andy- He starts out as this really quite douchey guy but becomes this sort of cuddly teddy bear who makes you laugh every time he's on screen.

Donna- She is a beast. She's such a strong female, and so different from anyone I can think of who is on television. She's willful and independent, but she has a big heart.

Jerry- Jerry takes literally anything you dish out at him. Even the amazing and positive Leslie Knope is mean to Jerry, but he NEVER cares. He just continues on with his life, and goes home to his wonderful wife and daughters. He's actually kind of amazing.

Chris- Is obviously the epitome of what it is to be a positive person. He encourages everyone around him, even when they don't necessarily want it. 

I'm sure I have a million other things to say but that is it for now.

Listening to: Talking Is Hard by Walk the Moon

VidCon 2015

I didn't talk about this yesterday, but I'm doing BEDA (Blog EveryDay in April). I failed at Blogaust last year pretty hardcore, and I'm already feeling discouraged and junk, but writing is important to me and yet I never make myself do it. I thought about doing some sort of writing challenge, but most of them aren't that interesting. I have, however, pinned a few, so I'm going to use them when I need ideas and pick from the lists for the corresponding day. When I tried to go to Pinterest to see my board, I typed "VidCon" into my URL bar, so it was pretty clear that "Something you look forward to in the next 12 months" was what I needed to be writing about.

A lot of you probably know that I did a crowdfund to try to get to VidCon due to my financial situation. That's actually mostly what I want to talk about today, as I sort of intended to in the past but didn't. 

2014 was a year of terrible jobs for me. They both started out as pretty okay environments and then became awful and toxic really quickly. They were also both quite underpaid. I was making $8.50-$10.80 per hour in positions where the amount of hours I was given were very inconsistent, and never full time. This was during a time where I tried to live on my own and then moved across the country. I've also spent 9 months since August 2013 being unemployed. A lot of this is my fault for not being persistent in finding jobs/better jobs, and for letting my anxiety and depression get the better of me, but nonetheless, it's led to a pretty terrible financial situation. 

About a month ago, my friends all started planning for VidCon. At the time, I had a once a week babysitting gig, and that was my only source of income. That coupled with my debt made it impossible for me to imagine myself going to VidCon. My best friend, Ashleigh, told me she wanted to help me out, but thinking about paying for any of it was just overwhelming. Another friend also offered to help, but there was no way I was going to let them pay for so much and I was still stressing out. Ashleigh sent me a text saying that she didn't want to pressure me if I didn't want to go, but lots of people wanted to help me. I responded by saying that two people was not a lot and that I couldn't pay for any of it. 

I like to make jokes about crowdfunding. It's kind of a strange thing our culture has come up with and it feels a little wrong to use it for personal things like vacations. VidCon is more than a vacation for me. Despite a couple of bad experiences in the past, it's something I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. It's a few days of being surrounded by a bunch of nerds who I can be myself around, and I get to see (although usually all too briefly) my friends who I normally only get to see on Twitter and Instagram. VidCon was the best part of my 2014, which you might be shocked to know if you read my blog back in July. So, when the thought of crowdfunding came into my head, I decided to go for it and suffer any embarrassment it might cause me. I figured a few people might give me $5-$10 and at least I would be a little closer to my goal. I certainly never imagined to make my goal, which was originally just for my registration. In the end, I made MORE than my goal, which means gas and some food are also paid for. I'm honestly still in shock.

Asking for help can be a profound experience. Being proven wrong can be a magical gift. I had the pleasure of experiencing both. I upped my goal a little bit when Ashleigh donated, because the point was not to make her pay for my registration and hotel, then I upped it again when I decided it would probably be possible to get enough for my hotel and my registration. I made my $400 goal in a day. I cannot tell you what an amazing experience that was for me (but I will start by saying that I am currently crying upon recalling it). People were so much more generous that I would have ever dared to dream. One of the most unexpected and touching things for me was to receive contributions from people who couldn't make it to VidCon themselves but wanted to, and people who don't really care about VidCon. 

I've obviously already individually thanked everyone who is making it possible for me to go to VidCon, but I wanted this blog to be sort of an extended thank you so that you truly know how much it means that you've done this. I'm failing to articulate myself. Words are hard and my brain is mush. Anyway, thank you for proving me wrong. Thank you for teaching me that asking for help is okay and can lead to an unexpected outpouring of love. Thank you for showing me that you want me to be happy and just have a time to be myself with my friends. Thank you for parting with your hard-earned money. Thank you for making it so VidCon will not be another chunk of my debt. Thank you for being that little voice in the back of my head when I want to spend money I don't have. Every single one of you have been a support to me in a lot of way apart from this and I just thank you so much for that constant friendship.

All that is to say, I'm more excited than ever to go to VidCon. It's going to be the best time among some of the best people in existence. 

Fulfillment in Adulthood

Just before I left the house where I nanny, the mom said, "It's hard to be an adult sometimes." I responded, "I sure haven't figured it out." She told me that it was okay, that I am young, and sometimes we just never figure it out. She went on to tell me that she and her husband (who are in their mid forties) have never found fulfillment in their jobs, that they find fulfillment in their family.

Without a doubt, this was meant as an encouragement, but I found myself fighting tears my whole drive home. For me, I need to find a career because I want to escape my family, specifically the situation in which I live with them. It's hard for me to say things like that in public places, I have a better family than a lot of people, but they have taught me a lot of lessons I need to unlearn and have not always been entirely supportive. As with all families, my relationship with them is complicated, and it's certainly not a way I would ever say I find fulfillment and I don't see that changing any time soon.

It could be that she meant something more along the lines of a family I would start someday. Well, for me, that's no more encouraging. I don't plan to have kids, and as I've been more or less single for 26 years, I don't really see myself getting married. I very much doubt there will be a period of my life where family is fulfilling.

So I started thinking about what fulfills me in my life. It used to be that I found this in my religion, but over the past year or so, I've become unsure of that. That has definitely been difficult, not really believing the thing that I clung to when I had nothing else was real. And now I'm approaching the point where I've lived back at home for a year. I'm certainly a different person than the girl who came home, who was a far cry from the one who left, but my financial troubles are nowhere near as close to being fixed as I had hoped, and I have nothing that I'm striving towards. I don't really have that thing that I'm good at, and my anxiety has been so powerful. I live in a house where my best friend is uncomfortable after 30 seconds and I'm nowhere near being able to leave it and I can't find the pieces I need to put together to get me going on a path to independence. I love kids and nannying has been such a welcome change and so much more fulfilling than selling shirts made in Asian factories, but it's not something I can make work physically or financially for the long run.

The only thing I can think of that brings me any fulfillment in my life is my friends. And frankly, that scares me. The thing about getting older is that everyone gets busier, and you find yourself losing touch with people and slowly having just a few friends. I'd say I have about half a dozen friends who I actually see in real like, and at least half of those have plans to move away at some point. Heck, I might have plans to move at some point, because I live in a ridiculously expensive area.

I'm really physically and emotionally tired and crying and I already took my contacts out, so I hope this is at least somewhat cohesive. My question for you is: Where do you find fulfillment?

Listening to: "If You Leave" by Daughter

Galentine's Day

So it's a pretty emotional time for me, what with only 4 episodes of Parks and Recreation left to air within the next week and a half. Oh my gosh. Just writing that down makes it sound WAY too close. I'm not gonna lie, I break down in tears about this every few days. The other day in the shower, I started thinking about how Mouse Rat is sure to perform "Bye Bye, Li'l Sebastian" one more time and I just lost it. Parks and Rec is so important to me, and on this sacred holiday, I wanted to talk about one of the reasons why, even though I talk about it a lot and have definitely written a blog about my platonic love for Ashleigh.

It's far too common to see women pitted against each other. This happens in television and life alike. I've heard that this is an oppressive tactic we are taught: that if we are pitted against each other, we won't want to fight for the genders to be treated equally. Whether that is true or not, there are certainly many situations where women are in competition with each other when there is no need for it to be so. (This is something I have heard Taylor Swift talk about when the media tries to pit her against other female pop stars; she just tells them to stop because there's room for multiple women to be successful.) We also live in a culture that seems to value romantic love above all other types of love.

Leslie Knope shows us how wonderful it is for women to celebrate women, to celebrate platonic love the day before a holiday that so heavily focuses on romantic love. As someone who has had basically no romantic love in her life, Galentine's Day is such a refreshing thing to see on my television. Leslie loves her lady friends, especially Ann, so hard, even through her romantic relationships. So often in life, people get lost in their significant others and forget how important friends are, and how great it is to spend time with them. Leslie loves Ann just as hard when Ben comes into her life, and Ann loves Leslie through all the guys in her life. They vocalize their love often, and they reinforce that by constantly showing that they have each other's backs and doing thoughtful things for each other (because love is a verb, kids). In my opinion, this is what we should all aspire to. I'm sure romantic love is great, but nothing really compares to sitting in a room of ladies you can be completely yourself around, eating waffles.

That's what I did today: Celebrated Galentine's Day (for the first time!) with ladies whom I love and can be my awkward, quirky, slightly crazy self around. We had waffles and bacon (and eggs for those who are  into that sort of thing) and mimosas and just sat around talking for about 6 hours. We did a "Blind Date with a Book" exchange, where we each brought a book we love, wrapped it up, wrote a description, and each picked a book someone else brought. We had a lengthy discussion about bras and lost track of time in each other's company. 

I can't pretend I never get sad and lonely and wish for romantic love and sometimes feel pathetic when people are sharing mushy stories about boys and I have none, but I do have some mushy stories about Ashleigh that are pretty great. It's a different kind of love, but it's no less worth celebrating. Thank you, Parks, for pushing ladies to celebrate ladies. Thank you, Devyn, Ashleigh, Katie, and Elizabeth for celebrating with me today (especially Devyn for hosting and cooking). Thank you to Kaci who wrote me a beautiful and sweet Galentine, which she timed perfectly to arrive today. And thank you to all the other beautiful people in my life who show me love. I've had a lot of trouble expressing love this past year and I haven't been easy to love, but I love you gals and hope to someday have a Galentine's with all the ladies I love. 

Happy Galentine's Day, ladies!

BaCon 2015